Five-Minute Macrocosm

Tak Tak: As punishment, this incident will be used to give Neelix more importance on Voyager.
Janeway: Please, be merciful!

The horror! :)

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager to anyone who can hear me -- I'm trapped in some sort of terrible horror movie cliché!
Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ --
(ZAP! SPLAT!)
Janeway: It's just not the same without the bazooka.

Indeed it isn't. Truly a punchline for the ages.

Janeway: I really should make those holodecks explosion-proof, but how often would you really need that sort of thing?

ACK! A flash of genre blindness! Any Dilbert fans remember that punchline?

Five-Minute Elogium

Neelix: Here's lunch -- eeew! There's a beetle in it!
Kes: Beetles or Neelix's cooking...well, that's a no-brainer.
Neelix: So, are you hun...uh, Kes?
Kes: Crunch. Chomp. Munch. Mmm -- beetles.

Bashing Neelix's food is always fun. I just hope those beetles were chocolate-coated.

Chakotay: Speaking of mating behavior....
Janeway: Don't even bother.
Chakotay: Aw, phooey.

Classic. Besides, people don't say phooey nearly enough anymore.

Janeway: A possibly dangerous anomaly that we know nothing about?
Kim: Yeah. I suppose we should steer clear.
Janeway: Ha! Good one, Ensign.

Good old Cap'n Kate.

Neelix: You know, Kes, I've changed my mind. It might be nice to have a kid. I wonder what our child would look like.
Kes: Yeah, I wonder.
(Awkward pause)
Kes: On second thought, no.

Ditto on the yikes.

Ensign Wildman: Permission to bring aboard a recurring character, Captain.
Janeway: Granted, on the condition that she be born during a shipwide crisis. Let's see...we left DS9 last season, so she should arrive...three months ago?
Wildman: Yeah, I know. Don't bother trying to figure it out.

This really doesn't apply. I think Trek lore states that the gestational period of a half-human/half-whatever is the average of the two parent speices. How are we supposed to know that Ktarian pregnancies aren't normally two-years long?

I heard that they planned to air that episode in mid-Season One.

What they planned is sort of moot now, what matters is where it is.

Okay, it's time for some more random fivers!

Five-Minute Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Tuvok: Praxis is a moon, sir.
Sulu: Shut up. You're not really in this movie anyway.

Hehe. Poor old Tuvok. Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole "Tuvok is over a hundred years old" thing. He doesn't look that old to me. I love his cameos in the Generations fiver, too.

Gorkon: Yo, Kirk my homie. How's it hangin'?
Kirk: Umm....riiight. Dinner?
Gorkon: A'ight, dig ya later.
Kirk: Can't wait.

I can't pull of "a'ight." It's a terrible shame, really.

Judge: In the interest of time, you two are both guilty.
Worf: But I didn't get my cameo!
Chang: And I didn't get to do my bad guy bit!
Judge: Too bad.

Poor guy. It's a very thin line to cross, this bringing up of plot points that you're going to be skipping. Very hard to pull off.

Klingon Guard: Martia, Martia, Martia!
Kirk: That wasn't funny.

I'm on the fence on whether it's funny or not.

Chang: Muahahahaha. Check out my ride.

I have to admit it, but unless we're talking Captain's Logs, I've always hated one-line scenes in fivers. I suppose because when you only have one line to work with, the line tends to edge a bit too far into blatant, oh-so-blatant exposition. Not that this isn't a good line, 'cause it is.

Sulu: Ha! You can fire at me now, I'm important too.

I would've been tempted to add:

Kirk (over comm): No, you're not.
Sulu: Awww, that's mean!

:)

Five-Minute Brothers

Riker: So why don't we take it from the top?
Jake: The top of what?
Troi: Chekov impressions won't get you anywhere.

Ah, classic humor.

Data: (Picard's voice) Computer, lock out everyone except me.
Computer: Please give Picard's access code.
Data: How many times have I asked you to stop speaking with Lwaxanna's voice?
Computer: Never mind, Captain. Sorry to disturb you.

Now that's an access code few people will guess. Smirk.

Data: Where am I?
Soong: The pit of despair! Don't even think -- heh heh, kidding. This is just your dad's lab.
Data: I hate to tell you this, but my dad died... a long time ago.
Soong: Wrong again! He's alive!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The Princess Bride and The Lion King in the same scene--classic!

Captain's Log: The computer has provisionally accepted I might be the real Picard, the boy is healed, and Lore is off to find some Borg. Only one question remains: can you end an episode with a Captain's Log?
(The episode ends at Ludicrous Speed)
Guess so.

I'm so glad that people don't overuse the post-Ludicrous Speed gag. It works this time, but I don't want it to ever turn into a Dead Horse that we're beating over and over again.

Five Minute "Minefield"

There's way too many good quotes in that to put them all here, but I would be interested to know if the aliens language in the fiver actually translates in any way (I'm asking here before I spend three hours trying in vain or something).

There is. The discussion thread which followed the fiver's publication covered it fairly thoroughly but I don't think it's available any longer. In a nutshell, it's called a Caesar cipher. IIRC, more than one was used.

Five-Minute Favor the Bold

Sisko: No, and I really don't know what the Admirals were thinking with that strategy. We're going to retake Deep Space Nine or blow our special effects budget trying.
Dax: It's about time! What made up your mind?
Sisko: I have a sneaking suspicion that Dukat won't feed my fish. I want to get back there before they croak.

Now there's a poll waiting to happen: what kind of fish would Sisko have?

Kira: We're looking for Odo.
Jem'Hadar Soldier: He's... unavailable at the moment.
Quark: What's that supposed to mean?
Jem'Hadar Soldier: It means --
Bajoran Soldier: Boump chicka bow-bow!

Bow-bow? I thought it was "bow-wow."

Kira: Will you do it for a Vorta Snack?
Weyoun: No.

Ah, the ever-impressive, well-contained, but never (almost) duplicated Scooby Snack gag. I love to use it myself.

Kira: Well, all right, as long as you think Morn can keep this quiet.

Why don't we use Morn's muteness as a gag more often? (PNQ time!)

Dukat: Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.
Damar: Really?
Dukat: No, but that's what we're going to be telling the Dominion. Kapeesh?

Woah. Dukat saying "kapeesh." Don't see that every day.

Far Beyond The Stars crosslink there? :p

Besides, what else would he say there? "Khepesh" wouldn't make much sense, after all...

I don't know, but I'd imagine Vic Fontaine saying kapeesh before Dukat.

CV, I have no idea what you're talking about.

If it were Vic saying it, it would be "capisce".

I was unsure of the spelling, so I followed the fiver's lead. Shocking, right?

Five-Minute Resolutions

Chakotay: Hey! Don't I get to say goodbye too?
Janeway: Nah, you're boring.

I still remember distinctly how Jim Wright felt that this particular plot point was inaccurate. After all, a third of the crew was once his, right?

Janeway: Why are you pointing that way, little fella? What are you trying to say?
Monkey: There's a storm coming, you ditz. Yeesh.

That's one smart monkey. One hopes that Janeway didn't go bananas. Hey, why is everyone throwing rotting fruit?

Tuvok: What makes you think you can change my mind when Harry failed?
Kes: For starters, I'm way cuter than he is.
Tuvok: Good point.

It's only now that I think about how I'd have laughed if Tuvok only said "Point," as though he's trying to be street smart or something. :)

Five-Minute Body Parts

Rom: How's the bidding going?
Quark: High bid is a Canadian Loonie, two buttons and some pocket lint.

Yeah, I know that a loonie is a buck, but I'm suddenly struck by how valuable a four-hundred year old piece of currency would be worth to Quark. Yeah, yeah, "you're overthinking again, Nate." Grumble, grumble...

Sisko: Quark, we've just received a shipment of furniture from the planet I'keya, but they only sent one Allen key to assemble it with.

Sure, IKEA, that part of the joke makes sense, but Allen keys? Isn't this the sort of thing that self-sealing stem bolts were created for?

Wheel of Morality turn turn turn, tell us the lesson we should learn...