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ost_uid0]Warning: My examples contain gratious violence, gunplay and bloodless, but still brutal death. Not for the faint of heart.
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Way too short. If you want to keep it at that length, cut it down to a mission debriefing by Shroud.
If you want to expand on it, here's a few tips:
Is it part of a larger story, or are there other stories that deal with Shroud? His character is only drawn with very broad strokes: We know he's a stealth operative with some high-tech gear. He kicks lots of rear. (Watch out for the munchkin syndrom there!) And he participates in a war because he thinks he needs to, not because he enjoys it.
Make the descriptions longer! Divide it into scenes! Here's an example for how I'd write the very first encounter:
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Private McKanzie (insert name as you want) cursed his bad luck. Another graveyard shift right in the middle of nowhere, and, just to add insult to injury, a storm that seemed to have sprung from the worst his nightmares had to offer. Still, there was nothing to do but ride it out. The Alliance was counting on him, after all. This outpost was vital. He was doing the right thing. Usually, telling himself that calmed his anxiety, but it didn't help here. The enemy was out there. McKanzie hoped that the attack wouldn't happen on his shift, or, failing that, that he'd die fast and painless.
He did get his last wish granted.
A subsonic projectile pierced through the darkness, impacting the soldier's cranium without much ado. McKanzie's eyes stared blankly at the hole in the supposedly bulletproof visor of his combat helmet, and his empty eyes saw the muddy, wet ground race towards them before he finally impacted the dead soil, likewise lifeless.
As another guard ran to investigate, a shadow in this valley of darkness moved ever so slightly, racking the bolt on his silenced rifle and scanning for the next target. Behind the rifle's optics, hidden underneath five layers of infrared-absorbing, ballistic-rated fibres, a grizzled face wore a humorless grin.
The Shroud had struck again.
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This covers your first three *sentences*. It's by no means perfect, but it's something that would interest me. (And by my standards, this is still too short.)
Note the following characteristica:
- The first soldier gets a name, and we get a look into his psyche. This is something I like to use for such "stealth action" scenes. Your character doesn't get noticed? Describe what his enemies see! Plus, you see the single soldier, nearly alone in the darkness. You *know* something bad is about to happen. That adds suspense.
- Equipment description. Shroud uses advanced technology, better than that of the average grunt. From what I've written, we can infer that he has a silenced precision rifle (presumably with some sort of advanced powered optics), some sort of stealth armor that lets him bypass perimeter sensors, etc., while the grunts he faces have token armor that his weapons cut through and can't see anything in the bad weather. Stuff like this explains how Shroud can get the drop, and gives the impression that he is indeed some sort of special operative.
- Again, name your characters early. "Mysterious man" gets very old, very fast. You're the storyteller, you're supposed to *know* who these people are. Naming them makes your prose less confusing and allows your reader to visualize their shifting positions better. It allows you to expand your descriptions without the reader thinking "Wait, which soldier did he shoot? The one who was already cringing in pain, or the guy charging at him with a machinegun?"
- *Show*, don't *tell*. It's not only about what, it's about how. Compare:
Johnny walked into the room and killed three baddies.
VS.
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Johnny leaned against the doorframe, slowly pulling back the slide on his pistol. The weapon cocked, still audibly, but atleast not unbearably loud. He breathed deeply, trying to concentrate. He thought of his family, his friends, all those who had been killed. One way or another, it would end this night. The thought gave him focus, and he kicked in the door with the grim determination of a survivor.
The first gangster fell without even reaching for his weapon; Johnny's pistol roared and spat out a deadly trio of slugs, the muzzle blast illuminating the omnipresent darkness inside. One bullet went wide, digging into the concrete wall opposite the door; the other two found purchase in the gangster's body, shattering his ribs and stopping the flow of life-sustaining blood within.
Don Vito watched helplessly as Fidel dropped to the ground, clutching his chest in pain. The attacker - a young, devilish handsome boy he didn't recognise - spun his pistol around to target him, but Boris - God bless old reliable Boris - snapped off a quick shot from his sawed-off shotgun. The pellets tore into Johnny's heavy leather jacket, leaving the young man temporarily stunned. The boy dropped to the floor, but while he had indeed lost most of his wind, he still had enough energy to tumble forward. Boris sought to aim his weapon again, but Johnny showered him with a series of bullets. Of ten shots, only four actually hit the brawny, brutish Russian, but these four were more than enough to down the large man, collapsing him with a final scream of pain and defiance.
Johnny picked himself off the ground, levelling his pistol at the Don.
"You're done for, Vito! Your death shall avenge the souls of those I held dear!"
"Foolish kid!"
The Don waved his hand about, producing a small holdout pistol from his sleeve; Johnny, however, had the advantage of youth, speed and training, easily shooting the weapon out of the Don's hand and sending it spiralling out of reach. Then, he lifted his weapon again, aiming it at the Don's head.
"Fifteen bullets," Johnny snared. "Fifteen bullets, and one left just for you. Pray to whatever God you believe in, because you shall soon meet him!"
With the last shot, the fight draind out of young Johnny; his hate faded as the corpse of the Don hit the ground with a slow thump. Johnny stared at the empty gun in his hand. He had become one of them, another petty murderer. The sirens in the background announced police, but Johnny did not worry. His life's ambition had been fulfilled. Whether they would kill him, imprison him or let him go, it did not matter to him. He collapsed sobbing, thinking of the image of his sister.
He wept tears of joy in the middle of the carnage he had caused.
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See the difference? Detail is your friend; if you don't want detail, you zoom out so far from the action that it ceases being a story and starts being an essay. Particularly action scenes scream for detail - most everyone who reads your stories has seen action movies, and a reasonably detailed account such as above will suffice to generate the desired effect. Even my examples are flawed, because they lack a conclusive "Why?" (Shroud and Johnny have reasons, and they're alluded to, but we don't see it happening - flashbacks help here), "When?" and "Where?". These should be taken care of before you start the action. You might be tempted to start your story with an action scene, but that means you need to heap the rest upon your readers with a flashback. Flashbacks are easily abused; try to stay away from them. Tell your story from start to finish, unless you're shooting for a particular effect; flashback-heavy prose is very difficult to write well. (Trust me, I know.) How many action movies start right with a bang? OK, a few, but these are "teasers", found most prominently in Trek or James Bond.
If you need a teaser, ask yourself - if I didn't have it and told the story from the beginning, would the reader still want to read it? If your answer is no, then the story is not compelling enough, and while a teaser will get the readers rolling, they wll probably still be disappointed. A good story relies on having endearing characters, characters with recognisable motivations, facets and flaws, plus the right conflict.
Phew. Hope that helps you a bit.
Gatac[/color
ost_uid0]