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ost_uid0]Well, I did two parodies of an RPG on HoaS...here goes:
This was for Chapter Three, which was the first one we actually did play on that board.
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Five Minutes - The talented Mr. Fredo
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Narrator: Once upon a time, in the Alps, there was a lonely German who lived happily in his mountain hut with a damn lot of firearms.
Dieter: I'm the resident gun nut. Oh, there comes a Helicopter - and it's off schedule. Damn, I'll never rely on UPS delivery for FLAK again...
Fiona: Hey, I'm early and spooked you. Sorry. Anyway, you're hired.
Dieter: Sure thing, honey. Wanna pull my trigger ?
Solarman: I'm not in this parody.
Calvin: I'm the resident swordsman. Hey, who are you ?
Messenger: Secondary concern. You're hired.
Mark: Hey, I'm the resident swordsman and gun-nut. Oh, both are taken already. Damn, I'll go brawl some teenagers to regain my dignity.
Narrator: And that he did ! The next morning, he showered...
Phone: Ring !
Mark: Who's there ?
Azuriel: It's me.
Mark: Let me guess, I'm hired ?
Azuriel: You don't work freelance, remember ?
Mark: I'll kill the guy who set this joke up.
Narrator: The next day, in Rome. Yes, in Rome. Don't you ever forget we're now all here.
Calvin: Lalelalela, empty, narrow alleys are fun. Unless you're ambushed.
Goon: Ambush !
Calvin & Goon: Fight !
Mark: That's it, freeze ! Or taste the wrath of my Colt !
Calvin: Didn't you draw an USP ?
Mark: Hey, I'm an action hero. There's no accounting for continuity.
Dieter: I'll make an ass out of myself by looking at Fiona's cleavage. By the way, why are we sitting in this restaurant opposite two mooks ?
Fiona: We're setting up a meeting here. The writers are tired of multiple plot threads.
Dieter: They haven't read Chapter 5, have they ?
Car: I mean trouble ! Trouble, I say !
Everyone: Fight !
Mark: Fiat Lux !
Calvin: I'll stab the car.
Dieter: Uh oh, I haven't filled up my style quota yet. Let me flick a lighter into the petrol.
Car: Boom !
Mark, Calvin, Dieter and Fiona: We need to get away.
Dieter: Yuck, a Ford Explorer.
Fiona: If *you* had showed leg, we'd have to crawl now.
Mark: Ah, a safe house. It's time for me to make an ass out of myself and look absolutely dorky.
Calvin: It's gotta be one of those gunslinger things.
Wolfe: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't turn my safe house into a battlefield.
Mark: Then get me a medium machinegun.
Wolfe: No, you'd just break it. Besides, I don't have one. I'm not made up of weapons.
Dieter: I am...
Mark: ...and you managed to get me ammo for my ultra-rare shotgun.
Wolfe: Quiet, both of you.
Mark: I sense trouble coming from that marketplace. Mark my words.
Dieter: You're probably right.
Frank: Bastards !
Sniper: Eat this !
Fiona: What do we do now ?
Dieter: I've got to fill my vendetta quota. See you after I'm done with Frank.
Mark: I've got to fill my "struggle with the supernatural" quota. See you after I'm done with the sniper.
Everyone: Fight !
Mark: I'm hurt.
Dieter: So am I.
Frank: Me too.
Fiona: Uh oh, I hear cops coming. Let's hit the road. Mark, stop hammering the asphalt.
Mark: If you insist.
Dieter: Ths is where we say good-bye, Frank.
Frank: Ah ! You'll pay for that !
Mark: Does that threat concern you ?
Dieter: Ha ! What's the worst he can turn into ? Our next supervillain ?
Narrator: Hm...
Everyone: St. Peter's is where we goin', 'cause St. Peter's is where it's at. The big fight ! Tonight, tonight, at St. Peter's !
Everyone: Fight !
Mark: Ouch. I'm hurt. Time to remind everyone I can do magic, and heal myself.
(Repeat 3 times.)
Frank: This joint blows. I'm out.
Fredo: What are you gonna do with me ? You all want something from me, don't you ?
Mark: Yes. We already discussed this. Most of your upper torso including arms and head has been ceded to Dieter...
Fredo: Hey !
Mark: The good news is, I get to keep your tongue.
Mark: Goodbye, suckers. May I never see you again.
Dieter: I return this sentiment.
Calvin: Will we meet each other again ?
Narrator: Nah, you three are too annoying together to be in any one adventure. Even two of you together are barely tolerable.
Mark: I'll be gone now instead of further muddying the waters about the issue of reconcilation of this adventure with established canon from my origin story.
Everyone else: Huh ?
Mark: You people don't deserve me. I'll send you my personal angel next.
Dieter: Does he wear hawaii shirts ?
Mark: Don't ask.
Dieter: Don't tell.
Narrator: This concludes our little tale. Come back next time for the glorious return of multiple plot threads.
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And this is for Chapter 4:
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Five Minutes - Justice is Served
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Fredo: I'm so sorry for being a general asshole in the last Chapter. Really. I'm so there.
Fredo's Dad: Oh, you HAD to go and dishonour us. How can I die a dignified death ?
Fredo: Not at all. Look behind you.
Mysterious Gunslinger: Hi. You're all dead. Now fall down.
Fredo: *sings* Could you take a picture, 'cause I won't remember...
Azuriel: Remember me from the last parody ? This time, I got a starring role. Not that it matters, seeing that I'll get my ass kicked. Oh, by the way, I'm onto the case of the murders. Gotta go for some PR.
TV: *sings* All the women, who're independant, throw your hands up...
Azuriel: I'll get Charlie for that.
Dieter: This looks like a battlefield. Not enough blood and bullets, though.
Janice: We can change that.
Dieter: Yes. Bang.
Janice: *sings* That all you got ? I take your best shot...
Dieter: Here.
Janice: Damn, foiled again.
Azuriel: Hey, do you have the corpses from that slaughter ?
Jack: Yes. I see dead people.
Azuriel: And not only a few !
Jack: I was shooting for a Willis joke here.
Kinthak: Let me burn down this morgue.
Jack: Let me show off my telekinetic powers.
Azuriel: Let me get the plot rolling before the author decides to have us eaten by a grue.
Jack: *sings* Where do we go from here...
Narrator: And so, our heroes flog into the Rising Sun. Would this be a good time to make due with the "Enemy" disadvantage ?
Wataru: Yes, let's get THAT out of the way.
Ninjas: Attack !
Wataru, Azuriel, Dieter, Dante and Kinthak: Fight !
Jack: That's a damn long speaker's credit. I'd better hide in the toilet.
Kinthak: *sings* Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting, those kids were fast as lightning...
Bartender: Hey ! What the hell is going on here ?
Everyone: We'd better run off now.
Gunslinger: Now to eliminate Calvin.
Calvin: I'm comatose, but, no.
Gunslinger: Damn.
Everyone else: Hey, we just arrived. Was there anything important ?
Monica: Hey, I'm a nurse, and a touch telepath.
Dieter: *sings* How many freaks must a man ally with, before he can kick someone's ass ? The answer, my friend, is thousand thirty-six, the answer is thousand thirty-six...
Wataru: Slash !
Cop: Argh !
(Repeat.)
Wataru: *sings* Here comes the pain...
Helsing: Just who are you guys ?
Dieter: Let's just put it this way: We're the lollipop squad, and you're the bubblegum under our shoes. No offense intended.
Helsing: *sings* He's Killboy Powerhead, Killboy Powerhead...
Everyone: Hey, we're hanging out in Dieter's joint until someone moves the story along.
Azuriel: *sings* Pacific coast party...
Freak: Hey, I want to start the apocalypse.
Gamariel: I understand.
Freak: *sings* But in this heart of darkness, all hope lies on the floor...
TV: Hey guys, there's a jailbreak.
Monica: That's where we be goin', bitches !
Azuriel: I hate you when you do that.
Monica: What ? I was just channeling Mr. T.
Azuriel: He ain't dead, foo' ! T lives forever, you jibber-jabbing turkey !
Monica: *sings* The world loves wannabes, yeah - hey, hey, do that brand new thing !
Street: Oh, a fight ! Where's my camera?
Criminals: *sing* Pump it up for real with Cypress Hill...
Dieter: No, you don't !
Grenade: Boom !
Dieter: Surrender to the greatness of the Wu-Tang clan !
Azuriel: Look, I don't want to hurt you guys.
Criminal: BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Azuriel: *sings* Instead of taking a test, I took two to the chest...
Azuriel: How did we get inside ?
Wataru: No idea, guess it was required by the plot.
Criminals: BANG !
Everyone: FIGHT !
Monica: *sings* All she saw was the silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side...
Gunslinger: Hey, I'm really the Freak.
Freak: And, actually, I am Frank possessed by some spirit.
Wataru: Slash !
Frank: Heh. Go home, ninja boy.
Azuriel: BANG !
Frank: You're not much better, are you ?
Azuriel: No, but I can distract you until the real fighters arrive.
Frank: *sings* This is what you get, when you mess with the karma police...
Dieter: *sings* It's going down, nobody in the world to save ya...
Frank: *sings* I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter...
Azuriel: Stop it, both of you.
Dieter: Damn, I'll shoot Frank.
Frank: Damn, I'll die.
Narrator: Ding dong, the witch is dead ! Tune in next time for the return of multiple plot threads.
Azuriel: That's what you said last time.
Narrator: *sings* Erase and rewind, 'cause I've been changing my mind...
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And, just in case you are curious, here's all the songs this one references (in order of appearance):
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Filter - Take a Picture
Destiny's Child - Independant Woman
P.O.D. - Boom
BtVS Cast - Where do we go from here? (From "Once more, with feeling")
Carl Douglas - Kung-Fu Fighting
Bob Dylan - Blowing in the wind (bastardised)
Farmerboys - Here comes the pain
Offspring - Killboy Powerhead
Smash Mouth - Pacific Coast party
Apokalyptica - Hope Vol. II
Offspring - Pretty fly (for a white guy)
Cypress Hill - Lowrider (may be inaccurately cited, but hey, who cares?)
P.O.D. - Youth of the Nation
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight Shadow
Radiohead - Karma Police
X-Ecutioners - It's going down
Linkin Park - In the end
Cardigans - Erase & Rewind
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And I wasn't even [b
ost_uid0]trying[/b
ost_uid0] on these two, back when I wrote them in 2002...
Gatac[/color
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