March 22nd, 1993, "The Nagus"
Fiver by Derek
The Episode
SISKO: The two of us are going to Bajor for the start of the Gratitude Festival.
JAKE: What's the Gratitude Festival?
SISKO: It's the biggest Bajoran holiday of the year.
The Gratitude Festival will return in the third, fifth, and sixth seasons.
SISKO: And I figured, while we were on the surface, we could visit those fire caverns you've been wanting to see.
JAKE: Sounds great.
This will be the only reference to "fire caverns", they'll be replaced by the Fire Caves for the rest of the series. Given that anyone who visits runs the risk of being posessed by a Pah-wraith, I don't think they should be treated like a standard tourist location. Please don't tell me that Sisko is abusing his Emissary privileges to get access.
JAKE: Thanks, Dad. Nog and I kind of have plans for tomorrow.
...
SISKO: Let me get this straight. You would rather hang around a cargo bay with Nog than visit the Bajoran fire caverns with the old man?
I understand the parent-child conflict, but this is ridiculous. Sisko doesn't go to Bajor every day, and Jake can hang out with Nog in the cargo bay anytime. The anti-grav tractors will be here when you get back!
It would've been so much better if Jake was doing something that actually had a time limit on it.
O'BRIEN: Let's take out our homework PADDs. We'll begin with the older students. Your last assignment was to write an essay defining the term 'ethics.' Let's start with Nog.
Just "ethics"? That seems awfully open-ended. In fact, you could write a doctoral thesis about such a broad topic.
NOG: I don't have my essay.
O'BRIEN: Why not?
NOG: My PADD was stolen.
This is just painful. The Internet may have been in it's infancy in 1993, but it DID exist. Even if wireless computer connections were a distant dream, the concept of synching a PADD with the station computer via some sort of cable must've existed.
Let's address this ludicrous notion that Nog doesn't know how to read yet. Not only would the Ferengi value literacy for business purposes, there isn't a chance in Gre'thor that Keiko wouldn't have noticed this by now. She would've done a proper evaluation of every child's current education needs in order to create her curriculum.
NOG: There are four teen
JAKE: Fourteen planets.
(Sisko sneaks in, staying hidden behind barrels, and watches the reading lesson)
NOG: Planets in the Bajoran. What's that word?
JAKE: System.
NOG: System.
JAKE: That was pretty good. Want to try some more?
NOG: The lar, largest planet is Bajor. It has three moons?
JAKE: You got it. Keep going, keep going.
NOG: The third moon, it has
Doing research into the Bajoran system revealed some amazing oddities. The planet Bajor is the eleventh from the star. The station, the Denorios Belt, and the wormhole are between the ninth and tenth planet. Which is ludicrous, as I think we all assumed that the station and the wormhole were outside the system, the equivalent of our Kuiper Belt.
Presuming that the wormhole doesn't orbit the star, neither does the station. So do they have to dodge the orbiting asteroids all the time? Furthermore, if the wormhole is firmly within the star system, why did they have to move the station to stake a claim?
ROM: According to Krax, Stakoron Two contains rich deposits of mizanite ore.
This is a typo, the ore is actually called "mizinite." It only reappeared in "Statistical Probabilities." This might be a typo for
moissanite, a crystalline form of silicon carbide that is useful for making semiconductors and other electronic components that would otherwise use diamonds. It would make sense that this stuff would still be useful in the 24th century.
KRAX: But why, father?
ZEK: It was a test to see if you were ready to take my place. And you failed miserably.
The idea that Grand Nagus is a heriditary title is ridiculous. Given what we know of Ferengi society, it would be most logical to assume that succession is created from a rival proving himself a better businessman. A corporate overthrow, not an inheritance.
The Fiver
Krax: May I present the Grand Nagus!
Quark and Rom: Inconceivable!
Zek: Why does everyone always say that to me?
Must be the giant behind you...
Jake: Why weren't you in school this morning? Vulcans steal your homework again?
Nog: Take your human witticism and bury it.
I know this is a reference to something, but I forget where in Trek.
Sisko: Woohoo! So wanna go see the firecaves now?
Jake: Geez, will you stop asking me that?
Sisko: I'll go see those firecaves if it's the last thing I do!
Actually it won't be, the novels make it clear that Sisko returns to his human form in time to see his daugher's birth.
Quark: Zek, help me! Someone wants my head!
Zek: If he gets it, then you'll be dead.
Quark: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Zek: Anybody want a -- GAK!
The rhyming should've been by someone other than Zek to fit the Princess Bride theme. And I thought "Gak" was for actual deaths, "Ack" was for fake deaths.
Jadzia: Why so glum, chum?
Sisko: It's six o'clock and I don't know where my child is.
Jadzia: Uh, we have a computer. You can find out from it.
This is a reference to a series of PSAS from the '60s through the '80s. Pop culture references in the '90s were relatively common.
Nog: "A is for Apple. J is for Jacks. --"
Jake: Good grief. Are you really this illiterate?
Nog: Hey! I'm not illiterate, I know exactly who my parents are.
A illiterate/illegitimate pun was also used in the "Reduced Shakespeare Radio Show." I recommend it.
Krax: Zek? But you died! I saw you!
Zek: I know, that's what's so funny! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!
Krax: Inconceivable!
No room for a play on the rest of the line? "Never let Federation citizens live in Cardassian space", "Never go in against a Zakdorn unless you're an android", etc.
Memory Alpha
* First appearance of the Rules of Acquisition.
* For some reason O'Brien returned from Earth before Keiko (they left in "Dax" so celebrate her mother's 100th birthday).
* Molly's age is stated as three when she was only born a year and a half ago.
Nitpicker's Guide
* How can O'Brien be subbing in school when fixing the station is a full-time job?
* Zek says "nine o'clock" instead of "nine hundred hours." The Universal Translator must be on the fritz.
* If the title of Grand Nagus is hereditary, wouldn't Rom be next after Quark, not Krax?
* Krax sold vacuum-dessicated parts of Zek, but Zek didn't die! Who was Krax selling?
* This episode says that Bajor has three moons, but in "Progress" a fifth moon is mentioned. Oops.
* Somehow the holosuites aren't soundproof in this episode. That seems rather icky.
* In "Dax" the computer could only locate someone with a commbadge, yet in this episode it can find Jake, who doesn't wear one. Oops. Maybe they moved the comprehensive internal sensor upgrades up to the top of the list after that debacle.