[Nate the Great]

Oh, well, I know that the anniversary isn't for another few hours, but I have to leave for work soon, so here it is.

Introduction

As you will soon see, a dicer is a fiver that is accompanied by director’s commentary. Of course, fivists aren’t exactly “directors” per se, but work with me here, okay? Five years ago my first Trek fiver, The Inner Light, was posted on what was then Five-Minute Voyager. I decided to write a dicer for it, and I was amazed to find that I’d actually kept a hard copy of the first draft of the fiver. This is the first time that it’ll see the light of day or be read by anyone besides myself and Marc Richard. About half of it is more or less the same as the final draft.

Part One: Commentary on the Original Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: This version of the first scene was more or less kept intact. In our correspondence Marc mentioned that he liked the “folksy” (his term) personality I gave the probe.

Eline: Kamin, you’re awake!
Kamin: Wonderful. Do you mind if I endanger my weakened body by going outside?
Eline: We’re five minutes into the episode, what do you think?
Kamin: Right, stupid question.

Nate: Marc also suggested that I include Picard in Kamin’s first speaker tag, for the sake of the readers who might become confused. In retrospect I see he was right. This scene also includes one of my earlier uses of the self-mocking plot gag. I’ve taken this gag to Jupiter and back, but it still amuses me. As another sign that I was a newbie fivist (does newbist or nevist sound better?), I didn’t include anything to indicate where the heck “Kamin” is or what possible connection there could be between this scene and the previous one.

Batai: Look at our neato tree! Instead of drinking our scarce water, we’re going to give it to this useless tree instead!
Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I’ll fill you in offscreen.

Nate: The first instance of my fondness for really geeky slang, epitomized in future fivers by my characterization of Jadzia Dax. However, this also shows my tendency to poke fun at the frailties of trying to contain the complete plot into five minutes. In later fivers my editors (Derek in particular) showed me that I shouldn’t be this direct with my commentary on the foibles of abridging.

Riker: What’s going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard’s brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow it up.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: Marc was right to make me change “it” to “the probe.” It’s been a few scenes since we’ve been on the Enterprise, and through the abridging process I skipped a lot of stuff. Also note one of my first uses of the all-purpose “meh.” It was a relatively new word to me at the time, and I loved to use it anytime possible. Thank heaven I could use “Indeed” with Teal’c in my Stargate fivers, or else I’d have overused
meh with him as well.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I have to stargaze and play my flute.
Administrator: Go ahead, because you won’t be making any water condensers.
Kamin: On second thought, let’s make like rabbits!

Nate: I swear that the obvious Stargazer joke had not occurred to me until I started writing the dicer. Really! Yet another instance of my early frailty of referencing plot points that come from nowhere just for the sake of including as much of it as possible. The fact that Kataan is a desert world is absolutely superfluous when you have to chop out plot points to fit the fiver format.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won’t be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench…
Eline: I’m trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.
Eline: By the way, your son wants to be a musician.
Batai Jr.: That’s right.
Kamin: Fine.
Batai Jr.: Aren’t you annoyed at my wishy-washiness when it comes to a career?
Kamin: The world is going to end, so what you do makes no difference.
Meribor: So I shouldn’t marry Dannik?
Kamin: Yes, you should.
Meribor: But you just said…
Kamin: Hush!

Nate: You can tell I was a newbie fivist, because only a newbie would think that a THIRTEEN line scene would actually be allowed. Just look at the size of that thing! In the final draft bits and pieces of this end up as two different scenes. “I’m trying to create a moment here!” is still a favorite line.

Kamin: The world is doomed!
Administrator: I know that. We’re doing all we can.
Kamin: How? We can only launch small missiles!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!

Nate: Although my final version of this scene is better, this version still holds a special place in my heart if only for the nitpicking gag. Although (speaking of nitpicking), why didn’t I say “I’ll fire you!”? Also, it’s a fiving tradition that all unnamed characters get humorously descriptive speaker tags (a favorite is Captain Smug from Star Trek III).

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last…
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: Probably the only scene in the first draft that Marc let me use absolutely untouched. For an early fiving attempt that’s pretty good. Obviously if I was writing this today, I’d have used Gak! Instead of Ack!

Meribor: Let’s go look at the new missile!
Kamin: Why?
Meribor: Umm…errr…
Eline: Because it will find you. Remember us.

Nate: Talk about amateurism, huh? This is what happens when I hold plot cohesiveness above humor.

Crusher: Wake up.
Picard: Whoa, I haven’t had a dream like this since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey.
Riker: I didn’t do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: So I have a fascination with bloodwine. Pretty standard humor level used while tying up plot threads. Probably my only regret is the contribution of the “yeah, right” punchline into the list of my most overused gags.

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot toot…
Riker: I’ll just leave before I break up.

Nate: Another scene pronounced more or less final. Today I’d have said “tooty toot toot…” but for a second fiver it’s fine.