[Nate the Great]

I didn't know that there was a limit to how many letters you can include in a post until trying to included both dicers at once. Well, here we go again!

Part Two: Commentary on the Final Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: My only regret in this scene is that comma between “yeah” and “right.” I was going for sarcasm, not casual wit.

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Nate: The “who is Computer?” gag seems a little weak in retrospect. At least, it’s not strong enough to justify being the second gag in a long (for a fiver) scene. At least the “knockout redhead wife” gag works on two levels. The first level is my original intent, his Nexus wife from Generations. It works for Beverly Crusher, too, if you happen to be a shipper, which I am. Everyone can see whatever meaning they want. This is also my first Monty Python gag use in a fiver. Castle Anthrax (if you just arrived from Vulcan and don’t know) is a place where a bunch of nubile young women occupy themselves by dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear, etc. Of course, in the episode the “seduction,” if you want to call it that, comes later, but I think that it works well here. Besides, I didn’t five that scene anyway.

Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I'm Batai, council leader, best friend, and all-around loafer.
Kamin: Pleased to meet you. I'm Picard, starship captain, archaeologist, and all-around galactic savior.
Batai: Shouldn't you be pushing the amnesia angle to get information?
Kamin: Um...err...I think it's time to run for the hills now!

Nate: I particularly enjoy the “galactic savior” part. Of course, with the possible exception of his ongoing war with the Borg, I’m not sure if you could call Picard a “galactic savior” in any event, anyway. Kirk’s certainly earned that title, though.

Riker: What's going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard's brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow up the probe.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: See, if I’d left it at “it” and not “the probe,” what would you think Worf wanted to blow up? If you stringently obey the rules of grammar, it would be implied that Worf wanted to blow up Picard’s brain, as that was the object most recently mentioned. If I’d needed another gag for this scene I could’ve made Worf’s final line “then I call dibs on his stereo!” or the like, but I suppose that would’ve been too far out, even for MY fivers.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I'd rather play my flute and build water condensers to help us survive the drought.
Eline: But you're a terrible musician and the Administrator won't give you a building permit!
Kamin: On second thought, let's make like rabbits!

Nate: You can thank Marc for the terrible musician/building permit joke. I certainly never would’ve thought of it at that point in my fiving career. Marc also really helped out by reducing the plot point to “building permit.” Who needs water condensers and droughts to deliver a funny line?

Data: I am now cutting the phone line.
Probe and Picard: Ack!
Crusher: He's dying!
Riker: Data!
Data: Connection reestablished, but I had to go from AOL to MSN.

Nate: These days we only use “Gak!” for a death, so I suppose I still would’ve used “Ack.” The AOL/MSN joke seems a little weak now, but trust me, five years ago it was hilarious!

Eline: Put you shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won't be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench...
Eline: I'm trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.

Nate: This is of course the first portion of the megascene from the original draft. Other than that the joke was pretty complete the first time.

Batai: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said...
Kamin: Hush, you!

Nate: See, the scene has more punch when you hold a focus with the plotline! My only regret is the overuse of exclamation points, but I’m not sure if periods would do the gags justice.

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Nate: I remember being very proud of this “insane elected officials” business. At the time I thought it incredibly witty. However, these days the only thing that makes the scene stand out is the last line.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last...
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: See? Same scene! Should’ve used “rats,” though.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Nate: Further proof that we’re our own worst critics. I now consider that 500 SPF joke pathetically weak. I’m proud of the Eline’s contract gag, though.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, wake up!
Picard: Whoa, I haven't had a dream like that since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey!
Riker: I didn't do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: Today of course, I’d have had Riker say “you should be grateful I used the 2293!”

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot...
Riker: I think I'll just leave before I break up.

Nate: So here we are. Five years later the fiver is still here. The first lines are still missing from the Trek Nation version, though. Whatever. Well, I hope you enjoyed the dicers!