March 29th, 1993, "Starship Mine"
Ah yes, "Die Hard in Space".
No Fiver
The Episode
Captain's log, stardate 46682.4. The Enterprise is docked at the Remmler Array, where it will undergo a routine procedure to eliminate accumulated baryon particles. In preparation for the sweep, we are evacuating the ship.
I hate it when the creators take a real scientific term and reappropriate it for something else. Baryon is a real word, it means a subatomic particle with an odd number of quarks. Or put more simply, PROTONS and NEUTRONS are baryons, remove them from a starship and there's nothing left!
TROI: Captain. We're still behind schedule on decks seven and eight. Shall I tell Arkaria Base there'll be a delay?
PICARD: No. Open up the transporters in Cargo bay two and divert everyone from deck seven to there.
I wonder how long it takes to change the settings on a cargo transporter to dial up the precision to lifeform levels. And frankly all of the cargo transporters should already be in use to evacuate the ship.
CRUSHER: Captain. Arkaria Base does not have the medical storage units I have requested. I have seven living tissue samples that won't survive the baryon sweep anymore than you or I would.
You'd think Crusher would've dealt with this way before now.
PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.
PICARD: Small talk.
DATA: Yes, sir. I have found that humans often use small talk during awkward moments. Therefore, I have written a new subroutine for that purpose. How did I do?
PICARD: Perhaps it was a little too non-relevant. But if you really are interested in small talk, then you should keep your eye on Commander Hutchinson at the reception this afternoon. He's a master.
In retrospect mastering small talk seems like a necessary stepping stone to the humor that he's already tackled.
LAFORGE: Yes, sir. We've logged in five years more warp hours than most ships do in ten, so our baryon particle levels are high.
Look, I'm all for warp drive creating impurities on a ship that have to be cleaned out every so often, but you can't call them baryons!
I wonder if Voyager's redesigned warp engines negated the necessity of baryon sweeps.
PICARD: Very well. Computer, disable all command functions in thirty minutes.
And command functions have to be disabled-why?
WORF: Captain. Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.
PICARD: Permission granted. I wish I could excuse myself as well.
LAFORGE: Captain, permission to be
PICARD: Mister La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff. Mister Worf beat you to it.
Ha ha.
And then Worf gives the most amused and yet smug smirk.
NEIL: Where's the ODN interface?
You know, if you're going to steal from the flagship, I expect you to have every step of this theft rehearsed on the holodeck before you show up!
DATA: It is very good to see you both again. Beverly. May I call you Beverly? Beverly, have you noticed that the mean temperature here on Arkaria is slightly higher normal for human comfort levels? I have found that humans prefer a body temperature of twenty one degrees Celsius in order to operate most efficiently. However, there are several cultures who actually prefer that their body temperature is identical to the temperature of the room in which they are standing. The Sheliak, for example...
Body temperature is 37 Celsius. 21 Celsius is room temperature (about 70 Farenheit). Or rather a bit hotter than room temperature, which we usually take as 20 C or 68 F. I won't get into thermostat wars, that's a beartrap I don't care to step into.
PICARD: Then I have enough time to back to the ship and get my saddle.
TROI: Your saddle?
PICARD: Yes. A saddle is a very personal thing. It has to be broken in, used, cared for.
LAFORGE: You keep a saddle on board the Enterprise?
PICARD: Oh yes, yes. I never know when I'll have the opportunity to ride.
TROI: I see.
PICARD: It's perfectly normal. Most serious riders do have their own saddles.
After "Pen Pals" I'm surprised that Troi isn't aware of Picard's interest in horses.
DEVOR: What are you doing?
(everyone, say hi! to Tim Russ, not yet a Vulcan)
May I recommend the
1993 "Journey to the Center of the Earth" TV movie if you want to see a pre-Tuvok Russ?
(Devor makes to attack Picard with the laser, so he throws the saddle at him. They wrestle then Picard neck-pinches him unconscious)
Phil Farrand suspects that it was Picard's mindmeld with Sarek that allowed him to neck-pinch. I'm doubtful. I can't help but feel that like every other time Vulcans make skin contact, there is a telepathic component involved. Especially when you consider all the times Spock neck pinched people from species that he'd never met before. So I have no clue how Picard did that. How Data can do it requires another theory.
RIKER: Geordi, what happened to the Captain?
LAFORGE: Oh, he went back to the ship to get his saddle.
RIKER: His saddle?
LAFORGE: Any serious rider would have his own saddle.
RIKER: Oh.
Round Two for the
Rule of Three. Had they tried to quadruple-dip this gag it would've backfired.
DEVOR: The baryon sweep uses a high-frequency plasma field. Your phaser won't work.
PICARD: You're probably right. But I'd like to bet this will. A laser welder can be deadly.
I have no problem with laser welders being simpler mechanically and thus still being functional, it's phasers not being able to handle a plasma field that bugs me. Come to think it of it, wouldn't a secondary beam for a phaser be a good idea? Only a single lethal setting, but using the minimal number of parts to ensure functionality in unusual situations like this?
DEVOR: You're Starfleet. You won't kill me.
PICARD: You sure?
(Picard hypos him instead)
PICARD: Seems you're right.
I'll skip the screed about Starfleet ethics regarding lethal force, but I can tell you it would've been a BIG one.
(Picard is caught trying to climb up. It's Patricia Tallman in alien makeup as Kiros)
Patricia Tallman was a regular on Babylon 5, but as SF Debris said once, her Trek work was as a stuntwoman. So I wouldn't get attached to her.
HUTCH: That's fascinating. Not too many people know this, but Tyrellia is one of only three known inhabited worlds without a magnetic pole.
DATA: I was aware of that. But are you aware that Tyrellia is one of seven known planets with no atmosphere whatsoever.
No magnetic pole? If there's a molten metal core there HAS to be a magnetic field around the planet. Furthermore, I have to think that a magnetic field is necessary for proper weather patterns to maintain Class M conditions.
No atmosphere whatsoever? Not so rare, but if we're talking about inhabited worlds it narrows things down significantly. I can't imagine the inhabitants are anywhere near humanoid, they'd have to be closer to the Companion or a Horta.
TROI: They're still at it.
RIKER: Non-stop. I have to admit it has a certain strange fascination. How long can two people talk about nothing?
Eight years if Seinfeld is to be believed.
NEIL: Okay. That should do it. I think.
KELSEY: (did I mention she's a redhead?) Be sure, Neil.
Hey Chakoteya, what does her being a redhead have to do with ANYTHING? Are you sharing a fetish, tapping into a cliche, or what?