[Hejira]

Chapter 2

Are they all Bad?

Samus: Wow. Even the story can't stand itself.

Samus woke up, her stomach searing. The last thing she remembered is some powered-up Space Pirate helping her into a corner, and start healing her wound. Good thing she scanned him, and his weapon. "Energy Sword, huh? Guess Ridley can come up with good weapons. But that Space Pirate-helping me? Maybe they're not all bad."

Master Chief: So we're to believe you'd mistake a human for a huge insect-thing with blades for arms?
Samus: Well, there's Weavel.
Master Chief: But I can't separate my body into two parts.
Samus: Pfft. Everyone can split in half. It's the re-assembly that most people fail to master.

Suddenly she realized she was in her ship. A pair of hands closed around her mouth. "Shhh," Master Chief somehow soothed the heart of hatred borne in Samus.

Both: It's...a moment.

"According to Spartan Ops, I subdued you and started examining your gunship. I could be discharged for this. By the way, I'm Spartan 117, but you can call me Master Chief, and you are…"

Samus: Not Spartan 117, obviously.

"Samus Aran." answered the bounty hunter, turning away from the green armor that faced her.

"Do you know whom you are working for?" asked Master Chief.

"The Chozo, Space Pirate."

"They are actually the Covenant, known for their cruelty."

"They're not evil, you are!" she shouted.

"Shut up, you wanna get us killed!"

Samus: Don't tell me what I want!
Master Chief: You also want to live in a small cottage on Charon!
Samus: No! No!
Master Chief: And a mud cake with mocha filling!
Samus: Duh.

"Sorry." Samus thought about this word. Sorry. She had never used it before, let alone to a Space Pirate.

Samus: "Whoops," however, was an everyday part of her vocabulary.
Master Chief: (Samus) Whoops, I blew up yet another planet. That's five this week? Man, what a Tuesday.

"You must have been brainwashed, when did you start working for the Chozo?"

He used the name to get her to stop shouting.

Master Chief: So fic-Samus shouted "Sorry"?
Samus: (shouting) I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am! Speak cooler!

"Three months. Why?"

Samus: There's something I didn't see coming - in this fic, I'm four years old.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"I remember," she started to think,

Master Chief: Every single blonde joke I know is fighting to reach my mouth. It's going to take a while before one squeezes through.

"a squad of armor-clad monsters, impervious to my weapons, then a sharp pain, then… nothing. My god, what have I-AGGHH!"

Samus: I'm talking to a BOY! EWW!

She never finished her sentence, because the nanobots injected into her blood, placed by the Covenant to kill her if she got a memory recall, started eating away at her muscle tissue, her human-Chozo immune system unable to stop them. She collapsed on the floor, writhing.

Samus: And these nanobots were never mentioned before because...?
Master Chief: At least we didn't see it coming.

It was only the Metroid vaccine that saved Samus' life, yet again.

Samus: Ho hum.

It targeted each nanobot, utterly destroying each one.

Master Chief: Ahh, Metroid DNA. Except for curing tooth sensitivity and Raynaud's, is there anything it can't do?

Samus stopped moving. Master Chief carried her over to the medical table.

Samus: She's dead, Jim.

He didn't have a lot of experience in this, but if he didn't act, this human-Samus, would die of internal bleeding. He acted.

Master Chief: (clears throat) Now is the winter of our discontent...

Disclaimer: Yeah, Yeah. I don't own Metroid. Or Halo.

Master Chief: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead encounter a magic mirror. If they tell the truth, they are granted riches, beauty and a long life. If they lie, they get sucked into the mirror.
Samus: I've heard that one.

Chapter 3

New enemies

The Covenant Generals were infuriated. "Spartan 117 has yet again foiled us!"

Both: Curses – foiled again!

"But this new enemy, Samus Aran, poses a greater threat."

(Samus licks her finger and draws a tally mark in thin air.)

"We need to look into these Metroids. They could be an even greater weapon than the girl ever was."

"I agree, they seem to have destroyed our indestructible nanobots."

Master Chief: We'll have to rename the nanobots. Do you know how much work that takes?

"No, capture both 117 and the girl, and then we will have our revenge."

"We will feast upon their flesh, and then no one will oppose the wrath of the Covenant!"

Samus: Before fattening us up?
Master Chief: We've spent most of our lives working these muscles; you're going to end up with some very tough meat no matter how much marinade you use.
Samus: I just hope the chefs are better at their job than the engineers who made the destructible indestructible nanobots.
Master Chief: I want to be teriyaki.

This conversation was overheard by Ridley, and he, too, was infuriated. "Who do these covenant guys think they are! I am the one who will capture Samus! Frigate commander!

"Yes, Sir!"

Master Chief: (Ridley) Oh, I am the frigate commander.

"When you see the Covenant Ship, attack it with everything you've got!"

"Yessir!"

Samus: I have three bottle caps and a dewclaw that might be yours, sir.

Disclaimer: I own Metroid and Halo, suckas.

Both: Ahh!

Psyche!

Both: (various mutterings containing curse words, insults, and rare, disgusting tropical diseases)