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Old 01-18-2018, 12:31 AM
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Nate the Great Nate the Great is offline
Knate airrant
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 3,961

Let's take a short detour to cover my first fiver ever...

Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time

Deku Tree: Link, I'm dying. You need to go inside me and destroy the curse.
Link: How fun!

A bad way to start a fiver. Who are these people, where are we, what's going on? I should've abridged the Deku Tree's initial monologue, perhaps turning it into a "Deku Tree's Log".

Deku Tree: Thanks for killing Gohma, but I'm still dying. Take the Kokiri Emerald and go see Zelda.

Single line scenes are a no-no. Where's the joke?

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.

I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.

Kaebora Gaebora: Hi, I'm the annoying owl who will tell you stuff you already know and basically test your patience.
Link: Aiming shingshot....
Kaebora Gaebora: Hey!

Always hated that owl. I understand why the exposition is needed, but he talks too much and keeps swapping his "yes" and "no" options so odds are you'll accidentally repeat a speech at least once. Grrrr....

Zelda: How did you get past all of the guards?
Link: Wasn't that hard. They move around in pretty predictable rectangles.
Zelda: Oh. You see that guy in there? He is Ganondorf, King of Thieves.
Link: So he's the bad guy?
Zelda: Yep. You need to get the other two spiritual stones so we can protect the Triforce.
Link: Sure. By the way, is that Mario in the window?
Zelda: Of course not! Hyrule doesn't have any video games!
Link: So who is that?
Zelda: Umm...that's should go now!

Could've cut this scene in half easily, covering Ganondorf and the particulars of Zelda's plan, along with the Mario joke. And where's Impa?

Malon: Hi Link! When you grow up you can have Epona! By the way, I'm another female character, so of course, I need to flirt with you.
Link: Sounds good to me. Hey, didn't I marry you in a previous game?
Malon: Shhhh! This is the first game chronologically, remember?
Link: Oh, right, sorry.

I messed up the Malon/Marin from Link's Awakening reference. I've never played that game (although I do own it for some reason, maybe I should get around to it one of these years) and was operating on mistaken information. It seems that the furthest Marin and Link's relationship was an aborted declaration of love. And yes, I am aware of the fan theory that the Twilight Princess version of Link is a descendant of these two.

Darunia: Here's the Goron Ruby. Want a big hug?
Link: Maybe later.

I do hope that my Master Quest fiver sees the light of day one of these years, these side characters are so much fun.

Ruto: Here's the Zora Sapphire. By the way, we're engaged.
Link: Lucky me.

That bit of snark could've been better. "Yippee" or something. Or maybe a reference to a fish raffle or something...

Zelda: Here's the Ocarina of Time! Gotta go now!
Ganondorf: Where's Zelda?
Link: Bite me!
Ganondorf: Very cute.

"Bite me" was wrong, should've gone with "you'll have to go through me", maybe thrown in a speed bump joke.

Navi: It's the Master Sword!
Ganondorf: Ha ha! You led me right into the Spiritual Realm!
Link: Bummer.

"Spiritual Realm"? You do mean "Sacred Realm", right Past Nate?

Rauru: It's been seven years. Even though it's your fault Ganondorf took over the world, we still want you to save it. Now you get to collect Medallions!
Link: Lucky me.
Rauru: I'm one of the six Sages. Here's the Light Medallion.

What, no "Sacred Stones are so last year, everyone's into Medallions now" joke?

Shiek: I'm going to teach you a song to warp to every Temple.
Link: Who are you?
Shiek: I'll tell you later.


Shiek: You have all of the Medallions. You, me, and Ganondorf each have one part of the Triforce. By the way, I'm really Zelda in disguise!
Ganondorf: Now I've got you!
Zelda: Drat.
Link: Bummer.

The biggest problem with adapting Ocarina of Time into fiver form is that there are so many major plot events that you have to skip some to make a fiver of reasonable length. Even so, I could've squeezed in a line about where Link went, along with some sort of "collect them all" punchline about the Medallions.

Rauru: Here's a rainbow bridge to get to Ganon's castle.
Navi: Ohhh, pretty!

Zzzzzz.....Should've skipped this to adapt a more important scene elsewhere.

Link: Eat Light Arrow!
Ganondorf: Ack!
Zelda: Now we need to get down before the tower collapses!
Link: This is not my day.

Could've expanded this a bit, made reference to the flaming boulders falling from the ceiling and the bars that Zelda has to open. Oh, and where's the "no thanks, I had Light Arrow for lunch" joke?

Ganon: Now you die!
Link: I think not. Eat supercharged Master Sword!
Ganon: Ack!
Zelda: Time to seal him away. Now you can go home, to your original time.
Link: Umm, can we talk about....

No "Gak"? I'm ashamed of myself. And where's the punchline about time paradoxes or at least having to grow up again?
mudshark: Nate's just being...Nate.
Zeke: It comes nateurally to him.

mudshark: I don't expect Nate to make sense, really -- it's just a bad idea.

Sa'ar Chasm on the forum: Sit back, relax, and revel in the insanity.

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
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