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Old 06-02-2010, 03:50 PM
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Arrow Maybe more of a Chaotic-Neutral Tuvok

Dawson: Ensign Dawson reporting for duty.
Torres: …Do I know you?

Tuvok: The tube is meant to accelerate ships to super-ludicrous warp.
Janeway: Could it be used to tease us with the chance of getting back home?
Tuvok: Not really.

Torres: Sabotage.
Humongous Space-Tube: See? See? I can't be held responsible for what I've done. I fell in with the wrong crowd! I'm the result of bad influences!
Torres: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.
Humongous Space-Tube: Would you happen to have a kilometer-square handkerchief I could borrow? My allergies are acting up again . . . *sniff*

Sperian Ships: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Voyager: Why does everyone always pick on my warp engines?
Chakotay: I hate to do this, but we have no choice. Perform the Chakotay Odysseus Maneuver!
Ensign Dvorak: This doesn't involve ticking off a dangerous god of the seas, does it?
Chakotay: No, the other Odysseus Maneuver.
Paris: Oh, right. I've got the rope right here . . .

Janeway: Why is my ship so hot? Is Q trying to use it as an ironing board again?
Kim: Chakotay re-enacted that bit from the opening credits to slingshot us around the star and away from the Sperians.
Janeway: Hence his current state. I see. And he's tied down in the Captain's chair because . . . ?
Paris: Some of the Maquis were kinda obsessed with ancient mythology.
Chakotay: (dazedly) Fire hot . . . but pretty . . . must resist urge to touch . . . would go up like a match . . .

Janeway: I'm gonna re-enact the thing with the star. Only instead of the star, I'll use the tube.
Humongous Space-Tube: Ahhh-CHOOOOO!
Sperian Ships: YEE-OWCH! Oh agony agony agony agony!
Humongous Space-Tube: *sniffle*

Sozoas: These ships belong to the Tech Faction, which I am also part of. They won't attack us now.
Janeway: Thank you for telling them we're your friends.
Sozoas: Actually, I told them you were enemies and that they should blow you to bits. You don't understand Sperian psychology very well, do you, Captain?

Carey: Good news, Captain! We’ve finished repairing almost all the damage from—
Janeway: …Sorry, do I know you?

Sozoas: I have deduced that the Military Faction sabotaged the tube!
Everyone Else: *yawn*
Janeway: Given that the choices were "military" and "maga-berry growers", I think this was an obvious development.

Member of the Tennis Sub-Sub-Faction of the Farm Sub-Faction of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) You are uglier and stupider than my old great-aunt, I can smell the disgusting stench of your unwashed feet from here, and I see no point in bothering to argue with you, you mindless, dishonorable, ugly loser!
Janeway: (winces just a bit)
Sozoas: (aside to Janeway) Pathetic, isn’t it? The Military Faction is easily the most unoriginal, repetitive political party in existence. Nobody could be more unimaginative in debate.
Tuvok: (to Faction member) Yo’ mama!
Sozoas: I stand corrected.

Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) …And that is why we rock and you should surrender.
Tuvok: If you rock so much, how is it we've managed to charge the tube up and point it at you without your noticing?
Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) Well—
Tuvok: Now sit still and shut up.
Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) No fair! I had a great "your face" joke just begging to be used!

Sozoas: Destroy the warp-accelerator tube.
Humongous Space-Tube: Nooo! Don't do it! I'm a really nice guy once you get to know—GAK!

Janeway: Neelix, how did you manage to get all the supplies we needed?
Neelix: Not by breaking the Prime Directive, that's for sure!
Janeway: Okay then.

(Voyager sails away at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END




Unofficial Fivist's unofficial note: One of the advantages of being unofficial is probably the chance to include the occasional superfluous bit just because you think it's "hilarious". So here follows a bonus scene from about the middle:



Paris: This is odd . . . something doesn’t seem right here. (enters Astrometrics lab)
(THUNK)
Paris: Seven, what are you doing here? You aren't even on the show yet, much less in this story. And why are there a dunce cap and a T-shirt that reads “I am irrelevant” on your Harry Kim bobblehead doll?
Seven: Because it is true. (to doll) Are you a dunce? (taps doll on the head) And you’re irrelevant too, now aren’t you? (taps it again) See? He agrees with me. (sets doll back down on the floor, where it was when Paris entered)
Paris: Uh, sure. So what was it doing on the floor, right in my way?
Seven: I have calculated the precise position at which it will receive the most kicks from people entering the room. And you kicked it, did you not?
Paris: Sheesh, if I were Harry, I’d be kicking myself right about now for that comment he made on the bridge.
Kim: This is odd . . . something doesn't seem—Seven? What are you doing—
(THUNK)
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