[Tate]

Zeke: Uh, Sa’ar? When you said ‘the forum’…
Sa’ar: What?
(The five staffers are wearing togas and are standing in the middle of a large, open plaza, amidst a multitude of similarly dressed people. Surrounding the plaza are several stone buildings.)
Zeke: We’re supposed to be at the Five-Minute forums!
Sa’ar: Zeke, when you’ve been on the Internet as long as I have, you realize that if you’ve been to one forum, you’ve been to them all.
Zeke: That’s not true! The forums on my site are much better than most of the forums out there.
Sa’ar: That’s what all the webmasters say.
Derek: Seriously, regardless of the relative merits of different forums, how does being in the Roman Forum help us find fans of FiveMinute.Net?
IJD: Yeah, we can’t just start talking to someone here and assume that they like the site.
Scooter: Really? Let’s try. Hey, you there! Do you like FiveMinute.Net?
Tate: Yes.
Derek: That was easy. You’re Tate, right?
Tate: That’s me.
Zeke: Do you have any ideas for our adventure this year?
Tate: Hmmm… How about you’re on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light…
Derek: Sorry, but we’ve done that already.
Tate: Okay. Then what if you’re travelling from one dimension to another, trying to get back home?
IJD: We did that years ago.
Tate: I thought it sounded familiar. Well, maybe you all could go back in time to prevent a television show from being erased from the timeline.
Scooter: Come on, be serious.
Tate: Sorry, I’m all out of ideas.
Zeke: Oh well, thanks anyway. I don’t suppose you’d be interested in joining us on our adventure, would you?
Tate: Thanks for the offer. I’d really like to, but I think I should be getting back home. I haven’t even had breakfast yet.
Sa’ar: Well, so long. Enjoy your Chex.
Tate: Huh?
Sa’ar: You said you were going to have breakfast…
Tate: Yes, but I was planning on having a bowl of puffed rice. Why’d you think I was going to have Chex?
Sa’ar: Um, no reason.
Tate: Never mind, then. I’ll see you guys later.
Derek: So much for that plan. Maybe we should try to find some other fan.
Scooter: Or we could just listen to that speaker over there. He sounds interesting.
Mark Antony: …and Zeke is an honorable man.
Derek: Hey! He mentioned Zeke!
Zeke: He’s obviously an intelligent individual.
Sa’ar: How intelligent can he be if he leaves the ‘u’ out of ‘honourable’?
IJD: And he doesn’t seem to be very persuasive. The crowd seems to be getting angry with Zeke, even though that guy said he was honorable.
Zeke: You know, the crowd does seem angry. Violent, even.
Derek: Yeah, they keep looking at you with furious expressions. Maybe we should leave.
Sa’ar: Nonsense. It’s not as if they can accuse Zeke of killing a popular statesman or something like that.
Man In Crowd: Let not a traitor live! Zeke hath slain Caesar!
Sa’ar: Then again…
(The five cliffhangers back up as the angry mob advances on them. Scooter points his sonic screwdriver at the crowd in a vaguely threatening manner.)
IJD: I don’t suppose this is a good time to ask if any of us speaks Latin.
(Some time later, Scooter, Sa’ar, IJD, and Derek are sitting in a dark prison cell.
IJD: Hey! We don’t have to speak Latin! Those people were speaking English!
Derek: Yeah, we must be in Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’ instead of ancient Rome itself. A lot of good that does us now.
Scooter: Yeah; none of us can speak Elizabethan English either.
IJD: Hey! I can speak it. "To be, or not to be; that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to deny thy father and refuse thy name, or whether in the why and wherefore there is neither rhyme nor reason."
Sa’ar: Wow. What does that mean?
IJD: I dunno. Something about angst, I guess.
Derek: (sigh) It’s too bad what happened to Zeke.
Scooter: Are you sure? ‘Cause we don’t actually know what happened. We were dragged away before we got to see.
Sa’ar: I think we should be content with our ignorance for now. This is a cliffhanger, after all. Zeke’s fate should be a surprise to be revealed later on.
(A guard approaches the cell.)
Derek: Hey! Can you tell us why we’re being kept here?
Guard: Don’t you know already? You’re being detained on charges of association with Zeke, who is accused of murder.
Derek: But Zeke’s not a murderer.
Guard: Tell that to the angry mob.
IJD: We tried. They were shouting so loud they couldn’t hear us.
Guard: Speaking of tried, your trial is set for tomorrow morning. Your execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
Scooter: Wow. You guys don’t waste any time, do you?
Guard: What the people want, the people get.
Derek: But Rome is a Republic, not a Democracy!
Guard: Fine. You can appeal to the Chancellor, if you wish.
Sa’ar: Chancellor? Are you sure this is the right Republic-about-to-become-an-Empire?
Guard: Yes.
IJD: All the same, I’ll keep my eyes open for any Jedi.
Scooter: Especially those of the pointy-haired variety.
Guard: Look, do you want to appeal to the Chancellor or not?
Derek: What choice do we have? Yes, we want to appeal to the Chancellor.
Guard: I’ll notify him of your wishes. (Leaves)
IJD: I hate to say this, but I doubt we’ll have much success with our appeal. The people seem dead-set on convicting us.
Scooter: Do you have to put it that way?
Derek: If only we had a tricorder. Then we could probably find a weak spot in the cell, and escape that way.
Scooter: I have a tricorder.
IJD: No, Scooter, that’s a sp-Hey! That’s a fork.
Scooter: Yeah, I thought the spoon joke was getting too cliched.
Sa’ar: Wait a minute, let me have that.
(Sa’ar grabs the fork and jabs it at the guard, who is returning to the cell. As the guard stumbles backward to avoid being hit by the fork, he conveniently drops his key within the reach of our heroes.)
Sa’ar: Quick! Follow me!
(The four staffers dash out of the cell and down a long hallway. A minute of frantic racing later, they find themselves in a large, cedar-paneled room. Two rows of guards flank an aisle leading toward a dais on the other end of the room. Beyond the guards are hundreds of spectators. As the cliffhangers turn to leave, they find that several guards have moved to block their exit.)
Derek: Great move, Sa’ar. Any other ideas?
(A bailiff approaches the center of the room and raises his hands.)
Bailiff: Here ye, hear ye. The Court of Rome is now in session. The honourable Chancellor Valium presiding.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Chancellor Valium?
Valium: (Ascending the dais) Hey, it’s Sa’ar’s narration.
Sa’ar: Good point.
Derek: So, Valium, what can we do to convince you that we’re innocent?
Valium: Actually, you don’t need to do anything. I’ve reviewed the evidence, and it doesn’t look like you’ve done anything wrong. I’m inclined to just let you go.
IJD: Alright!
Valium: But first…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Uh-oh.
Valium: There’s a standard courtroom procedure we have around here. I have to ask you all three questions. If you answer correctly, you get to go free. Otherwise, the trial continues.
Scooter: Who thought that rule up?
Derek: Ask us your questions, Chancellor; we are not afraid.
Valium: First question: What are your names?
Sa’ar: Huh? You already know our names.
Valium: Would you prefer I asked you a harder question?
Sa’ar: No, this is fine. My name is Sa’ar Chasm.
Scooter: I’m Scooter.
Derek: I’m Derek Dean.
IJD: My name’s IJD GAF.
Valium: Second question: What is your quest?
Scooter: I seek brains.
Sa’ar: I seek a heart.
IJD: I seek courage.
Derek: I just want to go home.
Valium: Look, guys. If you aren’t going to be serious…
IJD: Just kidding. We really seek adventure.
Scooter: And a "Get out of jail free" card.
Derek: And it would be nice to have Zeke back.
Valium: Final question: What is the natural logarithm of pi?
(Pause.)
Sa’ar: Um…
Valium: I’m waiting.
Derek: See, at times like this it would be really useful to have Zeke with us.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next time on Cliffhangers…
A duel to the death!
Sa’ar: Wait, I have to fight armed only with a shrubbery? These Monty Python references have gotten seriously out of hand.
Scooter: Maybe you should ask Valium to give you a herring.
And Zeke returns…changed.
Zeke: I am Locus of Borg. Your distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is like dividing one by zero.
Derek: If you’re the locus of the Borg, shouldn’t you be part of the Delta Quadrant?