[Tate]

I'm pleased to announce Cliffhangers: The Complete Collector's Collection. Enjoy all your favorite episodes with new content, such as deleted scenes, director commentary, and an exclusive documentary; "Hanging from a cliff: The story behind Cliffhangers." Cliffhangers: The Complete Collector's Collection is available online and at many fine retailers for the low price of $9.99 ($47 Canadian).
Offer expires 9-20-2006.

Oh, and I also have a new episode. While this is the last episode I plan on writing, anyone else who wants to write one is more than welcome to.

And now, by popular demand, I present Cliffhangers, Part 10! Enjoy.

Cliffhangers, Part 10
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Sa’ar: …wait a minute. You’re not the real Pointy Haired Jedi.
Scooter: AAAAAAA!
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: I see you are properly terrified by my tremendous dark side power.
IJD: Do your worst. You can’t frighten us.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Oh, I forgot to mention that cedar trees are extinct on my planet.
IJD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
IJD: …OOOOOOOOOOOOOO—oomph!
Scooter: Finally.
Derek: You’re glad that Darth Infamous dumped us in a prison cell and left us to rot?
Scooter: Anything that makes IJD be quiet. He’s been screaming non-stop for the past two hours.
IJD: I’m sorry. It’s just that when I think of—AAH! NOOOOO…
Sa’ar: IJD! Calm down! Now I want you to sit down, take a deep breath, and think about something other than cedar. Or lack thereof.
IJD: Like what?
Sa’ar: I don’t know. Stare at the wall, or something.
IJD: Fine.
Scooter: Now that that’s taken care of, let’s figure out a way to get out of here. Any ideas?
Derek: I don’t suppose anyone has found a tricorder since the last time I asked.
Sa’ar: No, but I think I still have the fork.
Derek: Good idea. After all, that worked so well last time.
Sa’ar: Hey, it got us out of jail, didn’t it? It’s not my fault that we ran right into the courtroom.
(During this time, IJD has been staring at the wall. He notices something familiar among the graffiti. It is a crude representation of a clock, over which the number 6 has been superimposed. IJD’s face goes pale.)
IJD: AAAAAAHHH!
Scooter: Not again. Does anyone have any chloroform?
IJD: No! It’s not the cedar this time. We’ve got to get out of here!
Sa’ar: Yeah, we know that already.
IJD: You don’t understand. There’s someone else here. Someone deeply evil, someone whose very name inspires fear. It’s—
Zuke: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to get some rest here.
IJD: ZUUUUUUUUUUUKE!
Zuke: Sigh. So much for getting some rest. I don’t think I’ve seen you people before. Except…you. I never forget a face. Mr.…Newbie, isn’t it?
IJD: Actually, I go by IJD GAF now. And you should know that; I changed my name before you took over the site.
Zuke: You should know how far I’m willing to bend the truth for a good reference. Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Zeke’s evil clone, Zuke. Might I assume that you all are connected with Five-Minute Voyager, and are prisoners of Darth Infamous?
Derek: Assume what you want, Zuke. We won’t tell you anything.
Zuke: You misunderstand. I’m not your enemy; I’m a prisoner here myself.
IJD: I’ll believe that when I see it.
Zuke: You see me, don’t you? And you see that I’m inside a prison cell, don’t you?
IJD: Okay, I believe it. What are you doing here?
Zuke: It’s a long story…
Scooter: Well, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re not busy right now. In fact, we can’t do anything until we get out of here.
Zuke: And what about the readers? Don’t you care about their time?
IJD: Way to break the fourth wall, Zuke.
Derek: The narrator would have broken it eventually.
(Quiet, you.)
Derek: That’s all? You’re not going to make some sort of witty pun on my name?
(I’m out of ideas. Now SILENCE.)
Zuke: Well, I suppose I can tell you my story. But I’ll just give you the six-minute version.
Scooter: Better make it five.
Zuke: Fair enough. As you probably know, I took over your precious website several years ago.
IJD: On the first of April, as I recall.
Zuke: …Yes. I’ve often regretted choosing that date; it made it seem as though my conquest was less than serious. But serious or not, my victory was short-lived. Zeke soon took over the site once more. Then, after a year or so of plotting revenge, I was contacted by the Dark Lord of the Sith, who said he wanted to train me to use the dark side of the force.
IJD: And you accepted.
Zuke: Who wouldn’t? He spent the next year teaching me all he knew. Then I betrayed him and stole his flagship and secret base.
Scooter: Wait a minute. Aren’t you leaving something out?
Zuke: Such as?
Scooter: Don’t you have an evil clone named Zuuke?
Zuke: That is a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor. The fact that it’s a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor perpetrated by myself is no excuse for you to repeat it. NO EXCUSE, I say!
Scooter: You know, you didn’t really answer the question…
Zuke: Very observant of you. Now to continue my story: after betraying my master, I became the Dark Lord. I styled myself ‘Darth Zuke, Dark Lord of the Sixth.’ I took on an apprentice myself, and made plans to conquer the galaxy. But then…
Sa’ar: Let me guess. Your apprentice betrayed you.
Zuke: Umm…
IJD: And started calling himself ‘Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.’
Zuke: Well…
Scooter: And put you in prison.
Zuke: I suppose you could put it that way.
Sa’ar: Ha! Didn’t you know he was going to betray you? It’s the oldest one in the book! Bad guys always betray each other.
Derek: Yeah. More than five Tisrocs in Tashbaan have died before their time because their eldest sons, enlightened princes, grew tired of waiting for their throne.
Scooter: Huh?
IJD: And you especially should have expected your apprentice to betray you because you betrayed your master.
Zuke: Look, you can stand here mocking me all day, or we can work together and get out of here. The choice is yours.
Scooter: Can’t we do both?