[color=#000000
ost_uid0]So... I`ve been studying. (Deanna: "About Rome"). And after six straight hours of studying, things in my head went jiggly wiggly, so instead of studying Rome, I inadvertently started spoofing it. The result is this silly, unofficial mini-fiver...
Beware of silly references and inaccurate historical information. If you like it, thank Sa`ar - his sarcastic comments about one bit from Croatian history I told him inspired me for this,
Five-Minute History of Rome
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Romulus: Greetings, villagers. You shall now witness the glorious event of me founding the city of Rome.
Remus: Not if I can help it!
Romulus: (THWAP)
Remus: GAK!
Romulus: You may find it troubling that I`ve just murdered my own brother in cold blood, but rest assured I`ll be a calm, wise and fair king for the rest of you. If you never ANNOY ME!
Romulus: These are the Seven Hills of Rome. I call the Palatine for myself since it has rosy flowers and lots of butterflies.
Villagers: Can we have the Aventine?
Romulus: No, that will be the headquarters of the Tal Shiar.
Romulus: But why don`t you want to give us your advanced technology? You know, like the wheel?
Etruscans: That information is classified. Besides, you Romans are flawed, weak, disorganized. And quite illogical. Your little town won`t be able to stand on its own for more than a few years.
Romulus: You`re wrong! We`ll become mighty and glorious, and you know why?
Etruscans: Why?
Romulus: Cause we`ve got faith of the heart!
Legionary: Oh mighty Consul, the Carthaginian-Macedonian alliance is too strong! We`re not going to win this war.
Consul: Not to worry! I`ve sent letters, telling the Carthaginian king the Macedonians called his mother a goat, and to the Macedonian king that the Carthaginians named a public toilet after him. That alliance is over.
Legionary: Wow! What a brilliant and original tactic!
Consul: It`s a little invention of mine. I think I`ll call it [i
ost_uid0]divide et impera[/i
ost_uid0].
Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country!
Aristotle: Yes, whatever, just kindly don`t interrupt the three of us. We`re debating the purpose of existence.
Plato: The discussion is over. The purpose of existence is, without any doubt whatsoever, peanut butter.
Socrates: Agreed.
Aristotle: I concur.
Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country!
Cleopatra: Oh! Tall, strong, dark men have arrived to take my country, and to take me! Amon-Ra, I`m SO turned on!
Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country! Resistance is futile! You will become one with the Rome!
Seleucid King: Ni!
Roman General #1: Um, what is he saying?
Roman General #2: The universal translator must be malfunctioning.
Seleucid King: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Roman General #1: On second thought, let`s not invade the Seleucid Kingdom.
Julius Caesar: I intend to cross the river Rubico.
Legionary: But you can`t! It would be an act of war against the Roman Republic!
Caesar: Act of war-shmact of war. I`ll do it!
Legionary: Ole! We`re with you! Say the words, oh Caesar, that will be remembered for centuries to come, the famous words on the river Rubico...
Caesar: Engage!
Augustus: Assemble a giant army for me!
Senate: No way. We`re in charge of the Republic.
Augustus: My big sword and I hereby disband the Senate and the Republic. I am your Emperor now!
Legionaries: Oh, holy Emperor, the treacherous Marcus Antonius and Pompey are opposing your rule! What shall we do?
Emperor Augustus: Wipe them out. All of them.
Attila the Hun: Your Empire is past its expiration date, and is now decaying poorly, much like [i
ost_uid0]Friends[/i
ost_uid0] and [i
ost_uid0]ER[/i
ost_uid0].
Emperor Valentinian: I will give you half the Empire and my sister.
Attila: I want 94.7% of the Empire and your brother.
Emperor Valentinian: Bite me.
Attila: CRUSH! KILL! PILLAGE! OBLITERATE!
[i
ost_uid0]Emperor`s Log: Stardate 4th September 476. Howdy. I am Romulus Augustulus, the last Emperor of Rome. Sigh. Perhaps I should have spent more time planning an efficient defense of the Empire, instead of chatting with people on the Forum all day long. But the situation is not as gloomy as it seems. Sure, some people say the world is set for one thousand years of the dark middle ages, but I personally believe that`s a bit of an exaggeration.[/i
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(The Roman Empire falls at Ludicrous Speed)[/color
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