[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Ok, it's slightly out of date now, but here it is -

[quoteost_uid0][bost_uid0]Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction continues[/bost_uid0]

In a shocking move the US government yesterday announced that as part of their ongoing war against terror the films [iost_uid0]Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan[/iost_uid0] and [iost_uid0]Star Trek III: The Search for Spock[/iost_uid0] are to be henceforth banned, and that anything that is in anyway connected with the films or details their content is to be immediately censored.

In a statement given earlier today by Donald Rumsfeld, plans have been laid out for the collection of every recording of the films that exist. A special department in the FBI has been set up to handle the collection. Owners of any copies of the films are to send them in to special heavily guarded collection points, and anyone possessing a copy of either film after the collection period has officially ended at the end of the month will be immediately detained and sent to Camp X-Ray in Cuba where they may remain indefinitely.

Restrictions on the mentioning of the content of the films were announced also, but are still very vague. Descriptions of the films’ contents are apparently permitted, but will have to be approved by a censor first.

Little explanation has been given for this move officially, but This Just In can reveal that these drastic steps were taken to prevent any information on a weapon known only as the ‘Genesis Device’ falling in to terrorist hands. The anonymous source this reporter spoke to at the Whitehouse said the weapon had the potential to “cause great destruction on a planetary scale”. When queried about the gross unconstitutionality and complete illegality of such a move, the source merely replied, “Lets just say some fool decided to play a practical joke on the President using the DVD’s [of these films]. Normally it wouldn’t have been much of a problem, but as Condaleeza Rice was off sick that day...”

Paramount itself had nothing to say on the matter, although other sources confirm that their various studios and offices have all been occupied by the US military and that everyone connected with the making of the films has been rounded up and sent to Cuba already. “This is utterly ridiculous!” shouted film score composer James Horner as he was being dragged off. “I had nothing to do with any part of the plot of those films! I only wrote their scores for crying out loud!”. A government spokesperson who was present explained that, “Intelligence sources have indicated that the fact Mr. Horner had written the scores for both the banned films was surely no coincidence”.

There has been a massive public outcry against the move from many quarters, and some are even considering taking legal action against the government. “It’s just so incredibly….I mean, the utter stupidity….I just can’t believe….” spluttered Giece O. Garricker, long time layer for 5MV site (and one affected by the censorship) owner Colin “Zeke” Hayman. “How could they even…..it’s so completely….GAH!”. At this point Mr. Garriker’s brain apparently imploded with incredulity, and Mr. Hayman (who was also present) took over the press conference. “We intend to get this ridiculous ban overturned as soon as possible. There’s no way the American President has the power to do this. I should have the right to talk about anything I want to, even the Gen--“. A SWAT team bursting in through the windows interrupted Mr. Hayman at this point, whereupon he was taken into custody. This reporter was tempted to point out to the team commander that they had no jurisdiction in Canada, but did not want to be arrested too.

Others that have announced an intention to bring legal action are also reportedly being held. Trek activist Mary Sue Scrivner is currently on the run from law enforcement agencies, though none have actually said that she is wanted by any of them. “See, that’s what they want you to think”, she told This Just In during an exclusive telephone interview. “I’ve seen those films, and they’ll come after everyone who has eventually.” Not surprisingly, Ms. Scrivner’s comments were universally ignored, but worryingly it’s an option that the US has not yet ruled out.

Where this saga of perpostrosity will go next remains a subject of much debate, though our Whitehouse source indicated that the [iost_uid0]Star Wars[/iost_uid0] and various James Bond films may be next on the list. In this reporter’s view, the worst is probably yet to come.[/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]