May 2nd, 1993, "The Storyteller"
Fiver by Nic
The Episode
Station log, Stardate 46729.1. The Bajoran government has asked me to mediate a dispute between two rival factions, the Paqu and the Navot. At issue is a land dispute which could trigger a civil war.
Given the whole Emissary situation, you'd think Starfleet wouldn't want Sisko himself to handle this one. Furthermore, if the Provisional Government can't handle something this simple then the whole thing should be restructured.
BASHIR: You know, Chief, in a way I'm really looking forward to this mission.
O'BRIEN: Why's that?
BASHIR: I see it as a wonderful opportunity for us to get to know each other.
O'BRIEN: Ah.
Bashir was really insufferable in the early days. Which is weird, because elsewhere in Trek the writers were a lot better at showing eagerness without inspiring annoyance.
I'm also annoyed at people who are so ignorant that they think "more proximity" equals "friendship." It's not that simple.
SISKO: Relax, Major. This is not my first time up at the plate.
KIRA: Sir?
Ugh, humancentrism again. Cue Azetbur quote.
BASHIR: Do I annoy you?
O'BRIEN: Annoy me? What sort of a question's that?
BASHIR: Well, the thing is, we've just spent two hours alone together in this runabout and you hardly said a word to me the whole time.
Two hours? It's THREE hours to Bajor by runabout! When the writers can't be bothered to read the series bible I have serious concerns about their capacity to write about said series.
BASHIR: I don't think it's really necessary to call me sir.
O'BRIEN: What should I call you? You're my superior officer.
BASHIR: How about Julian?
O'BRIEN: Is that an order?
And this is where O'Brien loses my sympathy. "Orders" should only come from the commanding officer, and Bashir doesn't count. Miles just crossed the line into passive aggressive.
BASHIR: No sign of any airborne infections. The soil appears to be free of pollutants, and the ground water clear of bacterial contamination.
Why is this line here?
WOBAN: I'll say this for the Cardassians. Their replicators make a fine larish pie.
Only appearance of larish pie.
Of course someone made a real recipe out of it.
SISKO: Then let's talk. The official negotiations don't begin until tonight, but I thought it might be a good idea that we meet informally to see where we all stand. According to the treaty that has existed between you for the past ninety years, the border separating the Paqu and the Navot shall forever be the river Glyrhond.
WOBAN: That's correct.
KIRA: Well, at least we all agree on something.
SISKO: Now, as I understand it, during the occupation the Cardassians diverted the river for use in their mining operations. As a result the Glyrhond now flows twenty kilometres west of its former position.
WOBAN: Twenty kilometres into Navot territory.
VARIS: That's Paqu territory now. You read the treaty, Commander. The river is our common border.
This has happened in the real world. The general consensus is if the river moves on its own via natural forces (erosion on one side, sedimentation deposits on the other side) the border follows it, but if the river is restructured by human intervention the border stays at the original location.
In any case, this isn't a job for the Federation. If the Provisional Government is really so toothless that nobody listens to them, then a new government is in order. I'm especially reminded of how the Articles of Confederation failed and nothing happened until the Constitution was introduced.
JAKE: Nog, we've been sitting here over an hour. Let's go play some ball in the holosuite.
NOG: No.
JAKE: Why not?
NOG: Because baseball is slow and boring.
JAKE: And you can't hit my curve ball.
NOG: It's a stupid game that even humans stopped playing hundreds of years ago.
Kasidy Yates would argue otherwise. And it occurs to me, how fun can baseball be if most of the players are holograms? Surely they could play Parisses Squares or something.
ODO: Mister Sisko, Nog, I thought I told you no dangling over the Promenade.
Why? Are their shoes likely to fall off?
BASHIR: You saw how he greeted you when we arrived. It was as if he were expecting you. I'll tell you this, Chief. I'm glad you came along on this mission, because if it wasn't for you, I'd have done what I could for the Sirah and left. And look at what I would have missed.
Ugh. You will of course remember Yoda's quote about how a Jedi shouldn't seek excitement or adventure.
HOVATH: Three nights ago, the Sirah allowed me to tell the story. But when the Dal'Rok appeared I was unable to control it. Several people were injured.
O'BRIEN: Control it? How?
(Hovath picks up a bracelet)
HOVATH: With this. The stone is said to be a fragment of an orb from the Celestial Temple.
Where did this fragment come from? All known Orbs are intact! And even if we're going to believe that Orbs are simply crystal hourglasses that the Prophets can infuse energy into, how could their energy be in a fragment that has no symmetry (in the physical world or in the higher dimensions)?
The Fiver
Navot Diplomat: It is ours! The treaty clearly says the river Moppy is the border.
Varis: It is not! It's the river Meow Meow. And on the east it's the river Moo.
Sisko: Um... do all your rivers start with Ms?
Varis: Yes. North Bajor has too many M & Ms.
This joke seems a little weak.
Jake: Why are we just sitting here all day? Let's play baseball!
Nog: Stop pestering me with that! Baseball is boring.
Jake: Okay, then... how about water polo?
Nog: AAAAA! Baseball's great! Let's play baseball!
Water polo is supposed to be more boring than baseball? Or is Nog saying that he can't swim?
O'Brien: It's no good! I can't repel the Dal'Rok because the village refuses to unite about anything!
Villager: Village! Repeat after me! O'Brien sucks! He tells stupid stories!
Village: O'Brien sucks! He tells stupid stories!
Well, whatever works...
Memory Alpha
* The creators were exciting about planting the seeds of the O'Brien/Bashir friendship here.
* First appearance of Odo's bucket.
* First direct mention of Buck Bokai.
Memory Beta
* In the novels the Orb fragment is called the paghvaram. The Vedek Assembly pointed out that the Orbs were intact so they were doubtful of the thing's power.
* Iliana Ghemor's Mirror Universe counterpart eventually received the paghvaram.
Nitpicker's Guide
* Phil does the math about the distance between the wormhole and Bajor and says that it should only take 36 minutes at full impulse to get to Bajor. My immediate rejoinder is that Bajor moves in its orbit changing the distance, plus you don't know how much the Denorios Belt slows things down.