This here fanfic is called Samus Meets the Covenant by Screwattack1. The title said to me, "You have to riff this." I stopped the drugs that made story titles talk, but it turns out the title was correct. I MSTed this without Screwattack1's permission, I'll say that now. I'll also say that a fanfic has to have some redeeming qualities in order to actually be riffed, and I quite enjoyed the process. In case the aforementioned author is reading this, I say keep writing. Everyone: please enjoy kthx.
Introduction
Master Chief: Yo.
Samus: Yo.
What if the praised bounty hunter, Samus Aran, was actually captured, not by Space Pirates, but by the Covenant? What if the Covenant actually managed to break possibly the strongest mind in the galaxy?
What if two people could change everything?
Samus: Hey, a question with a very similar answer is what brought us here, right?
Master Chief: "Which two people are best qualified to break down crappy Metroid/Halo fanfics?" That sentence haunts me to this day.
Chapter 1
The Covenant's Secret Weapon
Master Chief: You know, bragging about a secret weapon tends to take away the secret part of it.
(This Story takes place 2 years after Samus' fight with the Omega Metroid, and 3 years after Spartan 117 killed Tartarus)
Samus: When did that happen?
Master Chief: I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I'm the one who's been brainwashed.
(I don't own Metroid, Nintendo does)
(I don't own Halo, Microsoft and Bungie do)
Samus: So Screwattack1 doesn't have any Metroid or Halo games? Books, comics, action figures, anything?
Click, Click, went Master Chief's battle rifle.
Master Chief: That's it, no more 'The Addams Family' for you.
"Crap," he thought, "out of ammo."
Samus: Tension.
An explosion sent an SMG near the floor near him.
Samus: Resolution.
Master Chief: Near the floor near me? I'm guessing it hit the ceiling directly above my head.
He loaded his gun with the ammunition from the SMG, and turned to see a squad of Covenant Brutes standing before him.
Samus: Never to be seen again, except on milk cartons.
A couple of frag grenades cleared him a path, as he relieved a dead Elite of its Energy Sword.
Master Chief: (Elite) Thanks, man. Terrible strain on my corpse keeping this thing, you know.
He stowed it just as a huge explosion brought death-cries from behind a pack of crates. "That was way too big too be from standard Covenant weaponry-no! It can't be! Could they finally have built their secret weapon?"
Master Chief: Have they finished the paint job? Does it double as a sandwich press?
His long-range sensors started beeping like crazy. There was something coming. Something big and powerful.
Samus: Something like...
Samus cleared out another group of Space Pirates, dispatching them with a power bomb. She turned to find that yet another squad charging at her. "Again? These guys are crazy!"
Master Chief: No, you just blew up their reflections in a mirror.
Her power beam annihilated them.
The two turned to face each other at the exact same time.
Both: It's...a moment.
Samus immediately screw-attacked back,
Samus: Using up her one screw attack. Geddit? Because of Screwattack1's name?
Master Chief: *sigh* Yes.
to face her opponent. "A standard issue Space Pirate weapon," she said, looking at Master Chief's battle rifle. "Really, couldn't Ridley do better?"
Samus: Considering I've lost count of how many times I've killed him, I'm surprised there's enough brain left in him to fly.
Master Chief switched to his Energy Sword, and saw the thing, whatever it was, or whoever, take a hesitant step backward, but soon regain confidence. "Nice toy," Samus bluffed, "ready to see some real firepower?" Master Chief lunged.
Master Chief: I'm totally huggable.
Samus supposedly never saw him coming. Before she knew what was happening, he had sliced her power suit open, rupturing an artery.
Samus: They spent the next few minutes watching her blood go sput, sput, sput, sput. 'Twas kinda fun.
Blood flowed freely.
Samus: (blood cells) We have broken the shackles of the circulatory system and escaped the rule of the evil heart! Now...why are we clotting?
Master Chief turned to see the thing staggering backward, grabbing at its stomach, and fainting. There was red hydraulic fluid over its hand. "Wait, that's blood!" he thought.
Samus: It's paint!
Master Chief: It's wine!
Samus: It's tomato sauce!
Master Chief: It's all these things and more! Order now!
He dragged the thing backward into a corner, and pulled off its helmet.
Master Chief: Wouldn't this thing have a head under the helm– oh.
The face that stared back at him was most definitely human, and female. Her eyes were closing, and her face slowly was turning to white.
Master Chief: As opposed to the neon blue it was before the stabbing.
"I need a medic!" He shouted. He was constantly checking her pulse, and putting pressure on the gaping wound he had inflicted.
Samus: I have a hole in my stomach!
A medicinal robot hovered over, as the hand dropped. The girl's face was deathly white, she was weak from blood loss, and just as the soldier's eyes closed, the med robot started its work.
Master Chief: (med robot) Eh, humans only need one liver. Out it goes!