Despite my better judgement, I stand here before you all today to announce that I, too, am joining the race for Executive Producer. Due to my own previous responsibilities and busy schedule, I had hoped that my intervention would not be necessary. But when I saw rival candidates suggesting
increasing lack-of-shirts among key Enterprise crewmembers, I knew I could set my duty aside no longer. I think any honest and decent man will agree that it would be better to watch an entire episode of shirts without their crewmembers than an entire episode of crewmembers without their shirts. Especially since Phlox is in almost every episode. And what if there’s a Xindi guest star? One shudders at the thought.
Clearly, we must distance ourselves from the crass, uncultured mindset which has governed the series up until now. We must set at our helm a writer who are capable of true literary merit, and who has been acknowledged as such. I am proud to announce to you all that I have indeed located such a writer. If I am elected, all key plot episodes will be written by none other than the Immortal Bard himself, William Shakespeare:
Archer: T’Pol! By what unearthly means may’st this most queer anomaly be explained?
T’Pol: Mayhaps, m’lord, when Saturn’s skies our lanterns see / Uneasy grows the rest of these fair flowers Suliban-ee.
Such depth of thought and erudite wit is exactly what Enterprise needs to shrug off the abuses heaped upon it by Brannon and Braga, and allow the series to take its rightful place in the genre of televised speculative fiction. Mr. Shakespeare has already written several scripts for upcoming episodes, such as “Captain Archer,” “Captain Archer II”, and “Captain Archer II, Part Two,” and reports that he’s “very excited” to be working with us. But wait, my friends, there is more!
One of the hotly-debated topics of this election so far has been what to do with the woefully inadequate role of Ensign Mayweather. Or is it? I would like to venture the somewhat controversial theory that Ensign Mayweather’s abysmal lack of success and popularity is due, not to the writers, but to the actor. While I certainly bear no ill will towards the good Mr. Montgomery, there are many examples of actors who have done a great and created extraordinarily vivid characters, using as few lines, or even less, than our favorite silent ensign.
Clearly, painful is it may be, Mr. Montgomery will have to go. While I am sure he is a fine actor, he is clearly not up to the task of this difficult role. And so, he shall be replaced by an actor who
can be counted on to handle Mr. Travis Mayweather's most delicate, but oh-so-silent, character:
Finally, with all these bold, broad, sweeping changes, let me assure you that attention will be paid to individual fans as well. If I am elected, I will personally see to it that each and every Enterprise fan who voted for me will appear
on the actual show as a guest star. My staff of writers have taken the liberty of drawing up some preliminary, hypothetical scripts, for demonstration purposes only:
Reed: Forsooth, master, but I fear an ill wind does yet blow from an easternly direction yonder. Seeth though that of which I speak?
Taya17: What, them? They won’t give us any trouble. That’s what this five-mile-long space station’s for, you see?
Mayweather: *honk, honk*
In conclusion, I regret the necessity of disrupting the race in this fashion, but clearly, there was no other alternative. I am certain all truly loyal fans will breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they now can place their ballot in the hands of a man they may trust implicitly. Have no fear. Your vote is safe with me.
And on that ending, let it be noted that I am soon to be away for some short weeks, joining the military; serving and protecting my company. In this, too, I may be relied upon to fulfill my duty with utmost loyalty. In the meantime, should a likely candidate for a running mate chance to present his or herself, I should be glad of support. In particular, this would allow me to continue my campaigning despite my absence, continuing my platform, promises, and rebuttals to the forum by transmitting them to my running mate via telepathic communication.
Thank you, and God Bless the Alpha Quadrant.
VOTE STANDBACK!