TJI special: 5MV moves to Venice!

[Chancellor Valium]

5MV moves to Venice: "Taiwan boring" says Zeke.

by Chancellor Valium

Five Minute Voyager members were shocked today at the announcement by Zeke, age unknown, General Manager of 5-Minute Voyager (or 5MV), that they would be moving their "fiver" factory from Taiwan, inexplicably, to Venice. When pressed for a reason, Mr. Zeke merely refused to see this reporter, claiming he would be shown in "soon". After three, days, this reporter was given a pre-prepared statement by Zeke saying that Taiwan had become "boring and stale" and that Venice "looked like a nice city.". The statement went on by saying that 5MV inc, was also moving there to "show that non-harmful industries do exist", and that this was part of the "ongoing crusade to save Venice from Pollution, Under-Population, Tourism and Terror." Zeke also said that this was also an attempt to "give Venice back to the Venetians". When asked how this fitted in with a foreign company moving to Venice, Mr. Zeke merely laughed, and called his armed butlers. Leaving quickly, this reporter then went to find out the views of the major players at 5MV.

"I think this is a deliberate ploy to throw Zuke off the trail. It's well known that Zuke has certain....feline attributes and hates water." claimed one mysterious Romulan, who declined to be named. When asked about the implications, the Romulan merely shrugged and referred her questions to her associate, Lady Catalina da Marina, who immediately appeared, with a large weapon. When asked her opinion, she merely said rolled her eyes, and attempted to stab this reporter. Similar responses came from well-known Democrat, Tarn-Vedra, and German political pundit, Gatac. When the most garrulous member of the Five-Minute community, a Ms. F. Ginga was asked she replied "It came as quite a shock. I mean, we're used to sudden bursts of activity followed by procrastination, but this was completely out of the blue. I mean. this is highly unusual, even for Zeke, and it's worrying, too. I mean, he's done some really crazy stuff before now, but this is just plain wyrd."

Mining Chief, Mr. Xeroc, when asked for reasons for the move, told TJI that "recent yields of Fiverinium, the special quality within fivers, have been exceptionally low. We project, that, even at current low rates of construction, our resources would run out within barely a few months. So if 5MV Incorporated is to stay in the Fiver business, a move now will be vital.” When asked about Venice, he said that “early prospecting shows high concentrations of Zekium, the ore from which Fiverinium is extracted, around the Italian coastline. These Zekium deposits appear to be around ninety-five per cent pure fiverinium, with barely two-point-five per cent procrastinatinium and the same for other impurities in the rock. We hope that, from there, we can create a pipeline from the highest concentration to Venice, which, happily for us, are in more or less a straight line.”

While not asked, a Scottish Jedi who refused to be named, but with pointed hair, claimed that he had “felt a disturbance in the Force” and that this move was in fact “the work of the Left Side. Zeke has been consumed by the Left Side, and will soon proclaim him self Dark Lord of the Smith. A heavy concentration of Left Side energy is in Venice. Beware! Heed my words!” before laughing maniacally and disappearing.

When asked about the religious aspect of the move, a clone of this reporter claimed that “Zeke’s conscience will guide him to the right decision. Now get out of my Cathedral this instant, you sinful person! Get out of here, or do I have to dance the Charleston?!” before laughing maniacally for the next fourteen days, until the end of his life.

Whatever the reason, members of the 5MV community will now at least be able to start their trade ‘ships in the city of romance and commerce.