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  #1  
Old 09-03-2004, 03:56 PM
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Default September 3

Kira here, back to deliver one update to rule them all.

I started this fiver in my head while I was seeing the movie for the first time in theatres, almost two years ago... it's come a long way since then and I'm very fond of it, so it's hard to believe I'm actually going to let everyone read it.

Yet, after all, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it? Now it comes to it, I don?t feel like parting with it, its mine, I found it, it came to me! It's mine! My own... my precious....

Just kidding. Here, for your reading pleasure, Five-Minute The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

Before I sign off, kudos to the Very Secret Diaries and The One Milk for inspiration, intentional or otherwise, and thanks to the handful of people who read the fiver and gave me constructive comments. (Any jokes Sa'ar Chasm claims he helped me come up with is a complete lie. It was me, all me.) I'll also note that if there are scenes in the fiver you're not familiar with, that's because I fived the Extended Edition. If you haven't seen it, do so now. Now!

There's more to come later in the week from Marc's corner of the site, so stay tuned.
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Old 09-03-2004, 04:36 PM
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Great job, Kira! That was just hilarious.

Quote:
Gimli: This forest is creepy.
Legolas: The trees... they're speaking to each other!
Aragorn: Legolas, I warned you about eating those mushrooms....
Legolas: Silence, talking fern!
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Old 09-03-2004, 04:52 PM
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Default Re: September 3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kira
I'll also note that if there are scenes in the fiver you're not familiar with, that's because I fived the Extended Edition. If you haven't seen it, do so now. Now!
Theres an extended version? *dies* Sheesh, wasnt it long enough already? :lol: :wink:

I'm not the biggest LotR fan I must admit. I havent seen the films, I havent read the books...

*goes to read fiver anyway* :mrgreen:
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Old 09-03-2004, 05:25 PM
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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :mrgreen: :mrgreen: heeheehee hoohoo giggle. Oh, my *sniffheehee* that was great, Kira. You are hereby excused for having been so scarce around these parts.

Waaaaayy too much good stuff to quote it all, but here's a sample:
Quote:
Aragorn: The elves are here.
Theoden: What?
Aragorn: I said, the elves are here.
Theoden: Elves? At Helm's Deep? That's the dumbest thing I've ever --
Aragorn: We can use them as shields. And their shiny uniforms might blind the Orcs.
Theoden: Good idea. You are welcome, my elvish friends! May you die courageously and before us.
Halidir(sic): Fine, but I'm not wearing a helmet. It will muss up my hair.
-------------------------
Aragorn: Well, I'd say this counts as losing spectacularly. Time to retreat.
Legolas: Ahem.
Aragorn: I mean, um, not retreat.
Halidir: Are you crazy? We're getting the snot kicked out of us, we have to retreAAAAAAARRRGH! OH GOD, THE PAIN!
Aragorn: There. You owe me one.
Legolas: Fair enough. Retreat now?
Aragorn: Ohhhh yeah.
-------------------------
Theoden: Well, Aragorn my friend, it looks as though this may be our end.
Aragorn: At least we're going out in a blaze of glory.
Theoden: Unless, of course, Gandalf and Eomer show up at the last possible second.
(The battle rages on)
Aragorn: Try it a little louder.
Theoden: UNLESS, OF COURSE, GANDALF AND EOMER SHOW UP AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!
Gandalf, Eomer, and Six Thousand Rohirrim Soldiers: CHARGE!
Aragorn and Theoden: Phew.
Hee hee hee ...


Edit: typos, sic call
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Old 09-03-2004, 05:47 PM
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I'm liking these updates-before-2AM. I'm also liking the fiver - brilliance.

Quote:
Theoden: Say, is that a crown on your head? No, wait, that's me looking in the mirror. Ha! Stupid Aragorn!
Quote:
Frodo: Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Faramir. I guess we'll be heading off to Mordor to continue our quest now.
Faramir: Hahahahaha! Good one.
Sam: No, really! You're supposed to just escort us a little ways then let us go!
Faramir: You must have me confused with someone with fewer jerk-like qualities.
Frodo: But --
Faramir: Take 'em away, boys!
Quote:
Theoden: Well, here we are, safe and sound at Helm's Deep. Nothing can reach us here.
Gamling: But what if --
Theoden: Not now, Gamling, I'm basking in my narrow escape.

Saruman: Well, here's my army of ten thousand Uruk-Hai, ready to wipe out the men of Rohan. Nothing can stop me now.
Wormtongue: But what if --
Saruman: Not now, fool, I'm basking in my certain victory.
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Old 09-03-2004, 06:19 PM
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Quote:
(Any jokes Sa'ar Chasm claims he helped me come up with is a complete lie. It was me, all me.)
Yup, we all know what a complete and total liar I am. In fact, this sentence is a lie. And this one. And this one. But not this one.

Quote:
Gimli: Huff... pant... wheeze. This is hard work. Dragging my beard for three days and nights is tiring enough, not to mention the rest of me.
Aragorn: Well, we can't stop because... um....
Legolas: Because we have to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: Right. Who were....
Legolas: Taken by Orcs! Honestly, if you didn't spend so much time trying to make yourself look rugged and manly, maybe you'd remember these things.
Aragorn: Hey, I'm not the one who insisted on packing his skin and hair-care products before we left Amon Hen.
*znerk*

Quote:
Legolas: A red sun rises....
Aragorn: What's your point?
Legolas: No point. It's just pretty.
Elves...

Quote:
Treebeard: Hem hoom. Who goes there?
Pippin: We're --
Treebeard: Little Orcs! I said no little Orcs! These are two little Orcs! Can't you count?
Hah! Took me a minute.
"But Indie..." "No camels!"

Quote:
Gimli: This forest is creepy.
Legolas: The trees... they're speaking to each other!
Aragorn: Legolas, I warned you about eating those mushrooms....
Legolas: Silence, talking fern!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Quote:
Merry: What's that you're drinking?
Pippin: Nothing.
Merry: Pip! You're taller!
Pippin: No I'm not.
Merry: Yes you are! But I'm the tall one! That's how people tell us apart! You've done something to yourself!
Pippin: That's ridiculous, Merry. Nobody can tell us apart.
Too bloody right.

Quote:
Theoden: Ahhh. I've always loved the passage to Helm's Deep. Fantastic scenery, don't you think?
Aragorn: Sure, whatever. Look, don't you think we should send scouts ahead?
Theoden: Relax. I skimmed through the next few chapters before we left Edoras, and nothing happens before we get to Helm's Deep.
Aragorn: Wait... if you read ahead, why are Eowyn and the women and children coming with us to Helm's Deep? Shouldn't we have left them at Dunharrow?
Theoden: Uh... say, that's a good question. Maybe --
Wolves of Isengard: Snarl growl snarl!
Theoden: Oh, shazbot.


Quote:
Aragorn: The elves are here.
Theoden: What?
That was my reaction. Just ask the person who was sitting next to me.

Quote:
Merry: Well? What did you decide? You were certainly talking for long enough.
Treebeard: Hem hoom. We Ents never say anything unless it's worth taking a lot of time to say it.
Pippin: Can't you just give us a five-minute version of the meeting?
Treebeard: "No."
Pippin: Why not?
Merry: Pip, that was the five-minute version.
Pippin: Oh. Nuts.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Quote:
Gandalf: Well, the battle is over and we are victorious. Do you know what that means?
Aragorn: We need an ominous tagline to lead into the next movie?
Gandalf: Precisely. (ahem) "You know this plastic prison of theirs won't hold me forever. The war is still coming, Charles, and I intend to fight it by any means necessary."
Aragorn: That doesn't sound quite right.
Gandalf: Meh.


Quote:
Halidir(sic): Fine, but I'm not wearing a helmet. It will muss up my hair.
Can't believed I missed that (it's Haldir, for those keeping track at home). Guess that shows how much attention I pay to details.
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Old 09-03-2004, 07:24 PM
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*That's* why I've been double posting...I've been hitting quote instead of edit.

Can someone delete this?
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Old 09-03-2004, 08:35 PM
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Er, yes. You can cant you? Isnt there a delete button next to the quote/edit buttons?

Edit: Yes, indeed there is a delete button :wink:
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Old 09-03-2004, 08:40 PM
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Quote:
Gandalf: Well, the battle is over and we are victorious. Do you know what that means?
Aragorn: We need an ominous tagline to lead into the next movie?
Gandalf: Precisely. (ahem) "You know this plastic prison of theirs won't hold me forever. The war is still coming, Charles, and I intend to fight it by any means necessary."
:lol:

Good one, Kira!
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Old 09-03-2004, 09:28 PM
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Oh boy, it's all fantastic. I'd have to list most of it just to list my favorites, so I'll just list my very favorites. Or something like that.



Quote:
Aragorn: Well, we can't stop because... um....
Legolas: Because we have to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: Right. Who were....
Legolas: Taken by Orcs! Honestly, if you didn't spend so much time trying to make yourself look rugged and manly, maybe you'd remember these things.
Aragorn: Hey, I'm not the one who insisted on packing his skin and hair-care products before we left Amon Hen.

...
Rohirrim: Sir, look! His shirt!
Eomer: "I was ambushed by Orcs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Curse those foul creatures and their novelty clothing!
Heehee.


Quote:
Uruk-Hai: We told you to eat something before we left. Nobody touches the halflings.
Orcs: But they're snack size!
Uruk-Hai: Bite us.
Orcs: Gladly!
:mrgreen:


Quote:
Legolas: A red sun rises....
Aragorn: What's your point?
Legolas: No point. It's just pretty.
Hahaha!


Quote:
Eomer: Halt! How dare you trespass on our poorly marked and unguarded borders!
Aragorn: We, er... give me a sec, I think it has something to do with Orcs.
Heeheehee...


Quote:
Pippin: Oh, like you could have come up with a better plan while being chased by Orcs and attacked by the Rohirrim.
Aragorn: Quiet, you, you're only in the flashback.
Pippin: Aw.



Quote:
Aragorn: Gandalf!
Gimli: You're alive!
Legolas: You've discovered soap!
Bwahahaha!


The Aragorn-Eowyn conversation is great too
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Old 09-03-2004, 09:53 PM
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Kira, you are my goddess from now on. One of the most consistently funny fivers I've ever read... I'd quote but I'd have to quote the whole thing.
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Old 09-03-2004, 10:37 PM
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Quote:
Frodo: Oh, bollocks -- we're going in circles.
Damn! And there goes my coveted "Sweariest Word to make it into a Fiver" award. Ah well...

Kira, it's so funny it hurts. I beg of you, no more - my lungs won't stand another fiver this funny.
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Old 09-03-2004, 10:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexia
Er, yes. You can cant you? Isnt there a delete button next to the quote/edit buttons?

Edit: Yes, indeed there is a delete button :wink:
Yes, but only if it is the last post in the topic, else then Zeke or another "moderator" would have to delete it.


And, the fiver is AWESOME ! And I'd quote, but I'd just be quoting the whole thing.
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Old 09-04-2004, 11:08 AM
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Ooooooooh so I kinda ruined his ability to delete it by posting that he could? :lol: Whoops! I knew that... :wink:

Read the fiver.

BWAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Very funny :mrgreen: Even with never seeing the movie!

Quote:
Legolas: A red sun rises....
Aragorn: What's your point?
Legolas: No point. It's just pretty.
Thats my favourite bit. If I had been drinking at the time, I would have spurted it all over my computer and needed to get a new one :mrgreen: I would then have sent Kira the bill :wink: :twisted:
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Old 09-04-2004, 08:36 PM
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Great fiver, Kira! It was hilarious all the way through. Its tempting to just quote the whole thing, but I think my favorite parts were:

Quote:
Aragorn: Well, we can't stop because... um....
Legolas: Because we have to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: Right. Who were....
Legolas: Taken by Orcs! Honestly, if you didn't spend so much time trying to make yourself look rugged and manly, maybe you'd remember these things.
Aragorn: Hey, I'm not the one who insisted on packing his skin and hair-care products before we left Amon Hen.
Poor Merry and Pippen. Always getting forgotten.

Quote:
Legolas: A red sun rises....
Aragorn: What's your point?
Legolas: No point. It's just pretty.
There goes Legolas with the helpful comments again.

Quote:
Gimli: Gasp! Their tiny belts... and look, tiny cut ropes, and tiny little footprints heading away from the battle towards the forest. Poor little dead hobbits....
Aragorn: They're alive! They ran into Fangorn forest!
Legolas: Fangorn forest? Are they insane?
Pippin: Oh, like you could have come up with a better plan while being chased by Orcs and attacked by the Rohirrim.
Aragorn: Quiet, you, you're only in the flashback.
Pippin: Aw.
Gimli's poor reasoning skills and Pippin thinking he can interact in the middle of a flashback, all in one convenient scene. Very nice.

Quote:
Legolas: Silence, talking fern!
:lol:

Quote:
Sam: No, really! You're supposed to just escort us a little ways then let us go!
Faramir: You must have me confused with someone with fewer jerk-like qualities.
So true.

Quote:
Sam: You know, Frodo, I've been thinking. Our quest may be difficult, and seem impossible, but in all those great stories about -- hey, are you listening to me? This is my big inspirational spiel!
Frodo: (holding out the Ring) Here, Nazgūl, Nazgūl, Nazgūl....
Sam: Stop that!
That's Frodo for you; he just loves those Nazgūl.

Quote:
Frodo: I promise. Besides, Sméagol's on our side now. Right, Sméagol?
Gollum: Mwahahahahaha!
Frodo: See? Nothing to worry about.
Alas, Frodo is so pathetically oblivious. It's sad, really.

So long, and thanks for all the references to Five Minute FOTR.
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Old 09-04-2004, 10:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BR48
So long, and thanks for all the references to Five Minute FOTR.
And a tip of the hat to you, my friend, for the head start I got off FotR. In fact, my inspiration for having everyone forget about Merry and Pippin was derived from this scene from FotR:
Quote:
Gandalf: Sam stayed by your side the whole time you were here.
Frodo: Aww, that's so nice.
Gandalf: Merry and Pippin made it here alive, too.
Frodo: Meh.
The confusion of Merry and Pippin came not only from experience (being able to distinguishing them at last only by determining that Billy Boyd, Pippin, was the cute one) but from an unauthorized FotR fiver which saved time by merging the two characters into one, called "Mippin." Hee.

On another note, thanks for the warm reception of the fiver. I'd love to get it out to a bigger LotR audience. I tried emailing theonering.net to get them to link to it, but as they haven't: if anyone is registered, or knows someone who is registered on the TORn message boards and would be willing to post a link, I would eternally grateful. Oh, and we'd probably set an all-time record for hits -- also cool.
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Old 09-05-2004, 08:52 AM
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Lord of the Rings parodys rule, this one particulary so!

Pie Points to Kira!


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Old 09-05-2004, 09:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kira
I'd love to get it out to a bigger LotR audience. I tried emailing theonering.net to get them to link to it, but as they haven't: if anyone is registered, or knows someone who is registered on the TORn message boards and would be willing to post a link, I would eternally grateful. Oh, and we'd probably set an all-time record for hits -- also cool.
Not so sure I know anyone who's registered at TOR.n, though I suspect Celeste might be. I'm fairly sure, however, that there are a few in the TBBS SF/F Forum, so I've posted a link there. Less than overwhelming response, so far, but it's Saturday night -- we'll see what happens.
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Old 09-05-2004, 09:20 AM
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This thread and Sep. 2 are now in the correct forum, News. Sorry for the inconvenience -- I was so busy packing I forgot some details like giving Kira posting power in this forum.

By the way, though she's heard it before, I hereby add my voice to the chorus in praise of 5MTTT. TORn's failure to link to it is their readers' loss.
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Old 09-05-2004, 02:44 PM
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Heheheh. I like the stuff about the entish stories......btw, Zeke, u got the email, right?
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