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Old 05-22-2020, 11:38 PM
Flying Gremlin's Avatar
Flying Gremlin Flying Gremlin is offline
The moron they built to make you an idiot
Join Date: May 2015
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Default Five Minute STO

So I'm really, really bored with the whole lockdown/self-isolation/coronavirus business. Was going through my old archives of Google Docs, and apparently the VOY fiver that I am still waiting for feedback on isn't the only thing I wrote that is Fiver related. A few years back, I wrote up a few drafts for Five Minute Star Trek Online. I think I stopped because I got a girlfriend, had a kid and whatnot, but I always intended on getting back to it. As I am looking for things to do, I took a look at it again.

STO has changed its first story line quite a bit over the years, and it seems that two of the missions were completely dropped from the Klingon War story arc. Since they don't exist they wouldn't make it into anything published on this site anyway. So... who cares!

So, I present to you, for your viewing pleasure: Five Minute Star Trek Online: The Lost Voyages

I welcome feedback and comments.

Hide and Seek

Admiral Quinn: We’re sending you to where the Undine ship was beaming signals to.
Player: Wait, the Paulson Nebula? The one where the Enterprise-D was hiding in “The Best of Both Worlds”?
Quinn: Nerd. And yes.
Player: If I run into any Borg on this mission, I am so blaming you.

Science Officer: The Valor is under attack! Wait, why am I named something generic all of a sudden?
Player: Bridge Officers are so swappable, by this point in the game I can’t even guarantee T’Vrell is still on the crew.
T’Vrell (over the comm): You tried to dismiss me for a cheap knockoff of T’Pol.
Player: Case in point.

Captain Stefan Marz: Thanks for rescuing our pathetic butts from the Gorn.
Player: No worries. You sure they weren’t Borg?
Marz: Your question is irrelevant. Help us get our warp drive back online so I can get away from your irrelevance.

Player: Here’s some dilithium.
Marz: Here’s some information so you can continue.
Player: This seems like a cheap lengthening tactic that will lead to more combat with the Gorn.

Gorn Ship: GAK!
Jamming Station: GAK!
Decalithium Crystals: BEAM!
Player: Yup. Lengthening tactic.

Player: Finally at the nebula. What’s around here?
Abandoned mine: Nothing here.
Disabled Satellite: Just a few Klingon Birds-of-prey to slow you down a bit.
Enormous asteroid: I have a listening post, a cruiser, and a huge minefield.
Player: I wonder which one will put me on a ground portion of this mission…

*Beams in*
Tactical officer: Klingons!
Player: ...I am glad you’re generic in this Fiver now, but I can’t find the /slapsilly command to really take advantage of it.

Klingon: Federation spies!
Player: You’re on a Klingon listening post, deep within the heart of Federation territory, and you’re calling us spies?
Klingon: If you were any lesser Player Character, I’d kill you where you stand!

Player: Downloading, downloading, lalalalala…
Klingons: No you’re not.
Player: Yes I am.
Klingons: GAK!
Player: Now, where was I? Lalalala…

Quinn: Well done.
Player: Wait, why was that mission so short?
Quinn: What, you think every one of the missions is supposed to be epic?
Player: It would be nice, yes.
Quinn: Oh, go warp off at ludicrous speed and everything will be fine.
(The player's ship warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Quinn: See?

Stop The Signal

Quinn: So you know that listening post you found in the Paulson Nebula? We think there’s another.
Player: How are the Klingons getting this far into Federation space?
Temporal Agent Philip Crey (over the comm): Na’kuhl interference.
Quinn: What did I tell you about doing that, Crey?
Crey: “Stop breaking the Temporal Prime Directive, you idiot!”
Quinn: Precisely.
Player: I am so confused about what’s going on. I’m just going to hunt down this listening post now.

Player: So what kind of signals are they listening into…
*switches frequency*
Announcer: Previously on Biiiiiig Brother!
*switches frequency*
Snooki: Oh no you di’in’t, Big Mike, you did not sleep with that ho-
*switches frequency*
Jeff Probst: Next time on Survivor...
Player: If the Klingons didn’t want to conquer us before, they sure do now have reasons to conquer us now.

Klingon ships: Hey, we were watching that!
Player: Is blowing up reality show watchers a public service? That is one I’ll have to debate.

Player: Transport inhibitors? And more Klingon ships?
Klingon ships: We take our viewership very seriously. Ambassador B’Vat especially likes the reality show starring Admiral Quinn, but I prefer the singing competition with that mean British guy. He’s very Klingon.
Player: Simon Cowell is respected by Klingons. For some reason I didn’t see that coming, and that annoys me.

Tactical Officer: Shall we place charges to blow this place sky high?
Player: Please.
Klingons: Not our transmissions! We haven’t got to the final rose ceremony yet!
Player: How’d they get to The Bachelor already?
Undine Infiltrator: I was trying to make them more complacent and docile, all right? It was a bad plan.

Undine Ship: Haha, you don’t have a Federation fleet behind you this time.
Player: No, but I’m sure those Klingons will be more than willing to help.
Undine Ship: Aw, crappit. GAK!

Captain R’az: We won’t kill you… if you reveal to us the secret of reality television.
Player: A fair and equitable trade. But why?
R’az: You have never experienced Survivor unless you’ve watched it in its original Klingon form.

Crey (over the comm): So I’m supposed to tell you that they built it by hiding themselves in… pockets of swamp gas… refracting from Venus… and causing… all of that.
Player: Next you’re going to tell me that I should also hire an interior decorator, because daaaaamn.
Quinn: Enough with that.
Player: So why was this mission not combined with the last? It would have made more sense.
Quinn: Actually, that’s a good question. Cryptic?
Cryptic: Hey, come on. This is one of our oldest story arcs. We haven’t revamped it yet.
Player: So does that mean you’re going to revamp it?
Cryptic: Well, the answer to that question is LOOK AT THIS LOOT WE GAVE YOU!
Player: Where? *looks away*
(Cryptic runs away at Ludicrous Speed)
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Old 05-23-2020, 10:34 PM
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Noodles And Hot Tofu! MMM
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You've got the style pretty well down.
My 5MV webpages My novel fivers list


“There must have been a point in early human history when it was actually advantageous to, when confronted with a difficult task, drop it altogether and go do something more fun, because I do that way too often for it to be anything but instinct.” -- Isto Combs
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Old 05-23-2020, 11:23 PM
Flying Gremlin's Avatar
Flying Gremlin Flying Gremlin is offline
The moron they built to make you an idiot
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 245

Originally Posted by NAHTMMM View Post
You've got the style pretty well down.
Thank you.
8 years to register, and my biggest notable so far is that Zeke messed up my user title/avatar association.
Professional thread necromancer, because this place needs to LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!
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