Various Fiver Inspirations

[richardson]

While offline due to my wireless reciever being alergic to my cell phone, I was watching the Lord of the Rings (Return of the King). I knew I couldn't make the whole fiver, but I started coming up with some interesting jokes for various scenes.
So, I got to thinking, why not make snippits for use in fivers? In theory, it should work out, and they're generally hilarious all around, so here goes.

Return of the King

(Aragorn pulls out the sword scene.)
Elrond: Here you go, the flame of the west!
Aragorn: Hey, cool, shiny AND pointy!
Elrond: Careful. I can't heal stupidity wounds.

(Crowning Scene)

Aragorn: You foru don't bow to anybody. (You're short enough already.)
Frodo: I heard that!

Alternate:

Aragorn: You bow to nobody.
Frodo: You're just trying to make me feel tall, aren't you?


(Final Debate scene.)
Aragorn: To divert Sauron's attention, we shall attack the black gate!
Gandalf: Say WHAT? Are you nuts?
Gimli: Small chance of success, certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
Legolas: You're just agreeing with him so you can even the score....

(Opening of the black gate)
Aragon: (Thunk-thunk.) Hey, sauron! Open up!
Gandalf: Don't use a hammer of smiting, ring the doorbell, he hates that.

(The kick-butt trio in the Battle of Minas Tirith)
Aragorn: Come on, we've got 'em now!
Gimli: HAH! Dwarf 50, Elf 20!
Oliphant: Charge! Again!
Aragorn: Legolas, if you will?
Legolas: Let's see.... (Smite!) Thats...
Oliphant & it's Crew: Holy- GAK!!!!
Legolas: Elf 100, Dwarf 50.
Gimli: That still only counts as one!

(The passes of the dead)
Ghost King: Hey! No tresspassing! Wait, I'll just kill you!
Aragorn: (Poke) Care to try that again?
Ghost King: Crap.
Aragorn: You owed my ancestor money, and I've come to collect! You're to help me kick butt at Minas Tirith!

(Meeting Denathor)
Gandalf: Oh, Denathor, I've been look-
Denathor: Yeah, I know, and while you were oogling those girls, you let Gondor fall to pieces.
Gandalf: (Have not) Look, I came with this lit-
Denathor: And you got my son killed!
Perigrin: Um... actually that was my fault. He GAK-ed trying to save my butt. If it's any consolation, he killed at least a hundred men in the process.
Gandalf: (It was more like 25 at the most.) Um, c-
Perigrin: Could I do anything to help?
Denathor: You can join the National Guard.
Perigrin: Deal!
Gandalf: Nobody listens to the wizard, nope, not until mordor's army is at their door....


(I'll put more as I remember/think of them.)