Bilbo: I think for my birthday, I'm going to leave. I have to get away from all these freaking hobbits.
Gandalf: I know the feeling.
Gandalf: Doom. Evil Ring. Dark Lord. Got all that?
Frodo: I'd better write this down.
Gandalf: I know you're listening, Sam Gamgee.
Sam: Sorry, but I get jealous sometimes...
Gandalf: That's okay, because the unlikely hero needs an even more unlikely sidekick for this adventure.
Merry and Pippin: Hi.
Frodo: Hmm. Gandalf did say I should bring some trustworthy companions on this journey....
Merry: Oh. Bye then.
Sam: Not so fast.
Ringwraiths: We're looking for a hobbit named Baggins.
Hobbits: Since you seem like nice guys, we'll be glad to help you out.
Tom Bombadil: Louie Louie, woah baby, I said a-we gotta go. A la la la la la...
Frodo: Who are you, and what are you doing in this fiver?
Tom Bombadil: I'm a character from the book, but they cut me out of the movie.
Frodo: Sucks to be you. Let's go, guys.
Tom Bombadil: Hey! Don't leave me! Oh well, back to my songs... now where did I put that Céline Dion album...
Frodo: And you wonder why they left you out of the movie.
Butterbur: Welcome to Bree. Who are you?
Pippin: I'm Pippin Took, and this is Frodo Underpants.
Frodo: That's Underhill.
Sam: Not that it matters, since we won't be able to keep up the pretense for more than thirty seconds anyway.
Merry: Now that we've got this evil ring, and we're being chased by a bunch of super-powerful undead, there's only one thing to do.
Sam: Get drunk?
Merry: Precisely.
Frodo: Time for me to put on the ring and get those Ringwraiths back on our trail.
Strider: You draw too much attention to yourself, Mr. Undershorts.
Frodo: That's the general idea.
Frodo: Well, here we are at Weathertop. Ack! Ringwraiths!
Strider: Never fear! Strider is here!
Frodo: Ouch! Some help you are.
Strider: Quick Arwen, you take Frodo to Rivendell. We'll wait here.
Arwen: Won't the Ringwraiths get you?
Strider: Don't worry. They'll ignore us until they consider us a threat.
Frodo: Hey... where am I?
Gandalf: You're in Rivendell: exposition capital of Middle Earth.
Frodo: Cool! Where are my friends?
Gandalf: Sam stayed by your side the whole time you were here.
Frodo: Aww, that's so nice.
Gandalf: Merry and Pippin made it here alive, too.
Frodo: Meh.
Saruman: Welcome to the flashback. I'm the guy that captured Gandalf while you guys were in Bree. I've gone over to the dark side, and I'm breeding my own special orcs.
Eagle: Although I'm sure you're a really impressive wizard and stuff, I'm still gonna rescue Gandalf.
Saruman: Stupid moths.
Elrond: Hey Gandalf, care for some backstory?
Gandalf: Since I already know this stuff anyway... sure.
Strider: I'm really Aragorn, heir of Isildur. Unfortunately, all I get is this lousy broken sword.
Frodo: Will somebody please take this stupid ring?
Gimli: Let me destroy it!
Boromir: No, I want it!
Elrond: Sorry, Frodo has to take the ring to Mordor.
Everybody: Nuts.
Aragorn: Well, he can't go alone. We'd better put together a culturally diverse team of adventurers to help him.
Gandalf: We should keep going over the mountain.
Gimli: No, we should go through the mines of Moria.
Frodo: Hmm, this mountain is awfully cold... I think I'll go with the dwarf's idea.
Gimli: Ha! Gimli 1, Gandalf 0.
Frodo: Time for you guys to be awed by my ability to outwit Gandalf.
Fellowship: Awwwww.
Frodo: That's not what I meant.
Legolas: I wonder if there is anything alive down here anymore.
Pippin: I'll find out by making a bunch of noise.
Gandalf: Fool of a Brandybuck!
Merry: It wasn't me.
Gandalf: Sorry, I can't tell you two apart.
Cave Troll: Die!
Sam: Ack! Frodo! Now what will we do?
Frodo: Psych!
Sam: Aragorn, you have to throw us across!
Aragorn: Sure thing. Just sign this first.
Sam: What is it?
Aragorn: Just a waiver in case my aim is a little off.
Gimli: I think I'll take my chances jumping.
Balrog: Boo.
Fellowship: AAAAAH!
Gandalf: Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Balrog: Okay.
Boromir: A moment of silence for Gandalf.
Aragorn: ...That's enough. All right, let's get moving before the casual audience gets bored.
Galadriel: What do you see in my mirror?
Frodo: I need a hair cut.
Galadriel: Anything else?
Frodo: I dunno... something about doom. I wasn't really paying attention.
Galadriel: I am so sad to see you all go.
Merry: Just make with the gifts already.
Galadriel: Sorry, that was in the book. In the movie, I only give Frodo this cool shiny thing.
Frodo: Ha! Losers.
Boromir: I think I'll try to steal that ring now.
Frodo: Good luck stealing it when I'm invisible.
Boromir: Fine then. I'll just have an epiphany instead.
Uruk-Hai: Go right ahead, but we're still going to kill you.
Frodo: Time to blow this joint.
Sam: Take me with you!
Frodo: No.
Sam: Even if I stupidly follow you into the river?
Frodo: (sigh) Get in the boat.
Legolas: Okay, how are we doing so far?
Aragorn: Well, we've lost all the hobbits, we don't have the ring, Gandalf is dead, and now Boromir is dead too.
Gimli: Man, we suck.
Aragorn: Wanna go kill some orcs with me anyway?
Legolas and Gimli: Sounds like a plan.
(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go hunting at Ludicrous Speed)
TO BE CONTINUED
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