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Five-Minute Superman

by Scooter

Comic Book: Not that this has anything to do with the story, but things sure sucked during the Depression. Good thing we had a great metropolitan newspaper. A paper with grit, verve, determination, and -- (camera pans into space) Hey! Come back!

Endless Credit Sequence: As you can see, it's really, really far to Krypton, especially with the new Warp 5 speed limit. I'll wake you up when we zoom past the key grip.

Jor-El: Look, I invented a CD case that seats three! I say we stick these jokers in it and send 'em on a nonstop mystery tour of the universe.
Elders of Krypton: Whatever. Have fun.
Zod: I'll chase you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round perdition's flames until I have my revenge, Jor-El!
Jor-El: Oh, you'll love those places. Wait till you hear my prerecorded guided tour. (ahem) "The Moons of Nibia were first settled in Galactic Sidereal Year 21578.2..."
Ursa: Kill us now.

P.A. Voice: The Phantom Zone is for loading and unloading only. There is no parking in the Phantom Zone.

Jor-El: This planet is going to explode, you know.
Vond-Ah: Nonsense. It's just a little indigestion.
Jor-El: You mean it was something the planet ate?
Vond-Ah: Yes, but it was only wafer-thin.

Lara: The Elders say we have to stay and explode with the planet?
Jor-El: We have no choice. We must mail our son to Earth now, before the post office closes.
Lara: Do we have a box big enough?
Jor-El: Even better. Remember when I stole the decorations off the 900-foot-tall Kryptofeller Plaza Christmas tree?
Lara: Unfortunately, yes.

Lara: There goes our son. I hope he'll be able to cope with having super powers and being too pretty to be taken seriously.
Jor-El: He'll be fine. I gave him a posthypnotic suggestion to buy a pair of big ugly glasses when he gets older.
Lara: That should take care of it.

Elders: GAK!
Jor-El: I-told-you-GAK!
Krypton: KABLAMMO!
Kal-El: Oooo, planet go boom.

Voice of Jor-El: ...Now, my son, as we pass the Antares Maelstrom, please take a moment to look out to your left and you'll see the galaxy's largest ball of twine...
Kal-El: Dad, I want to be adopted.

Martha Kent: There's a little boy in the spaceship that just crashed! Can we keep him?
Jonathan Kent: Are you crazy? What if his alien father sent him here in a talking spaceship to conquer us, after planting all sorts of messages for him in the caves outside of town?
Martha: Sure, that's likely. Look, he's lifting up the truck. How cute.
Jonathan: On second thought, he might come in handy. But we need something to keep him bottled up and repressed, just to be safe.
Martha: I was thinking we could name him Clark.
Jonathan: That should take care of it.

Clark: Alien teen angst sucks.
Jonathan: Clark, I'm going to cut this short by dying now, but maybe you can return to this later. Heck, maybe even base a whole series on it. GAK!
Clark: A whole series about alien teen angst. Right.

Clark: All those powers, and I couldn't save him. Now I have no father.
Voice of Jor-El: Son, remember how much fun we had cruising through the Mutara Nebula --
Clark: No father at all.

P.A. Voice: Will a Mister Kal-El please pick up the green crystal courtesy phone? Kal-El, please pick up the green crystal courtesy phone.
Clark: Hello?
P.A. Voice: No, the green crystal.
Clark: Oh, sorry. Hello?
Voice of Jor-El: Hi, it's your Dad. Meet me in the Arctic Circle. We need to have another of our little talks.
Clark: Oh, God.
Voice of Jor-El: Relax, this shouldn't take more than twelve years.

Voice of Jor-El: ...And you must always remember the Temporal Prime Directive, which is "Changing history is for losers"...
Clark: (yawning) Is this important? 'Cause I really, really need something over which to rebel against you later.
Voice of Jor-El: No, it's not important. As long as you don't change history.

Jimmy Olsen: Gosh, Miss Lane, I'm confused. Has the actual plot of the movie started yet?
Lois Lane: (checks watch) Nope. Still at least fifteen more minutes of backstory.
Jimmy: Jeepers!

Perry White: Lois Lane, meet the new reporter, Clark Kent. I'm giving him your beat.
Lois: Well I can see how -- heyyyy!
Perry: Sorry kid, but his glasses are so ugly I kinda felt sorry for him.
Lois: Understandable.
Clark: (to himself) Dad is sure going to gloat about this.

Lois: How was your first day, Clark?
Clark: Swell.
Lois: You really are from out of town, aren't you?
Clark: More than you know. Want to go out tonight?
Lois: I'd rather fall off the Daily Planet building.

Lex Luthor: Otis, you were followed again. Why am I, the greatest criminal mastermind of our times, surrounded by idiots?
Otis: Er, sex appeal?
Miss Teschmacher: Comic relief?
Lex: Criminy, you two even got that backwards.

Lois: The helicopter is spinning out of control!
Pilot: There is no cause for alarm. Please proceed to the nearest exit.
Lois: The nearest exit is a 500-foot drop onto Forty-Second Street!
Pilot: Buh-bye now. Thank you for flying Incompechopper.

Superman: Hi.
Lois: Hel-lo.

Jewel Thief: Stealing, stealing, la la la...
Superman: Hi. Mind if I make with some bad comic book wordplay while letting you fall off the side of this skyscraper?
Jewel Thief: Yes.

Hoods: Counting money, counting money, la la la...
Superman: Nice boat. You know, you guys are in a shipload of trouble.
Hoods: Just take us in, please!

Superman: Here's your cat, little girl.
Girl: Thanks, strange flying man. Why are you doing this?
Superman: One more good deed and I get my Citizenship in the World merit badge.

Air Force One Pilot: We just lost engine #1!
Air Force One Co-Pilot: Wait -- we've regained stability. How can that happen?
Air Force One Pilot: It's okay, some sort of flying alien in blue tights is keeping us airborne.
Air Force One Co-Pilot: Whew. I was afraid something bizarre had happened.

Voice of Jor-El: You must keep your identity a secret, or the whole planet will spam you with inane pleas for your assistance. Not unlike Bruce Almighty.
Superman: But I had so much fun! Man, zooming around Metropolis, rescuing kitties, taunting felons...
Voice of Jor-El: Secret! Secret, I say. Or I shall be forced to speechify.
Superman: No! Anything but that!

Miss Teschmacher: You know, Otis, I think Lex is hiding some secret about his hair.
Lex: Miss Teschmacher! Get me some tea, Earl Grey, hot.

Perry: My corporate paymasters want me to shamelessly hype this flying whatsit to prop up the Daily Planet brand name, so I need an interview right now.
Lois: Chief, how do you feel about --
Perry: Not me, him!

Superman: Hope you don't mind my dropping in.
Lois: (wincing) I'll try to forget you said that. So... can I get your vital statistics? For my article, I mean.
Superman: Um --
Lois: Hang on, let me get my tape measure.

Lois: I'm flying!
Superman: Technically, I --
Lois: Don't rock the boat or I'll cut your tongue out.

Lois: (singing mentally) Can you read my mind...?
Superman: Yes. And you're one sick, sick lady.
Lois: Hmph. So much for mystery.

Lex: I'm so brilliant I can deduce Superman's weakness to kryptonite from a sensationalized story speed-written by a star-struck reporter.
Miss Teschmacher: I'm so vapid all I can think of is how great he looks in those tights.
Otis: And I'm so dumb I thought it was his skin that was all blue and red like that.
Lex: (rolling his eyes) With a team like this, we can't fail.

Lex: How did rerouting the second rocket go?
Miss Teschmacher: I acted all goofy while Otis distracted the soldiers with his physical assets.
Lex: Grrr. Backwards again, you morons.
Otis: And then I set the rocket to go to Hackensack, New Jersey, just like you said, Mister Luthor.
Lex: (sigh) I have got to switch temp agencies.

Lex: Luthor to Superman.
Superman: Go ahead.
Lex: I have poison gas pellets, repeat, poison gas pellets. I challenge you to a pointless duel risking the lives of millions.
Superman: Make it so. Computer, locate Lex Luthor.
Computer: Lex Luthor is on deck Sub-B, section 42P.
Superman: Underneath Grand Central, then. Wait, isn't that right across the street from here?
Computer: Yes, but feel free to fly around the entire city for a while first.

Lex: Otis, chap with the cape there. Five rounds rapid.
Otis: No effect!
Lex: Wow, Doctor Who was right. Aliens really are impervious to bullets.

Superman: All right, Luthor, where are the gas pellets?
Lex: Psych!

Indian Chief: ...And then Custer said, "Not with an orangutan I won't!"
Lois: Get out.

Commander: 3... 2... 1... Launch rockets!
Missile Controller: Here's a little-known fact. Did you know that when you combine an evil genius, a bimbo, and an idiot you create an unstable metaphysical energy field that distorts the trajectories of certain chemically propelled weapons?
Commander: What the Sam Malone are you talking about?
Missile Controller: Um, the rockets are broken.

Lex: I plan to drop most of California into the ocean.
Superman: Well, I don't see the prob-- hey! My girlfriend is out there! You fiend!

Lex: I've hidden the abort detonator somewhere in the room. Is it behind door number one --
Superman: No.
Lex: -- door number two --
Superman: Again, no.
Lex: -- or door number three?
Superman: Um...
Lex: (hums "Jeopardy" theme)
Miss Teschmacher: Pick three!
Otis: Two! Two!
Superman: Three! It's gotta be three.
Lex: Congratulations, Superman, you've won tonight's booby prize!
Superman: You mean Miss Teschmacher?
Lex: No. Tell him what he's won, Johnny!
Johnny Olson: You've won an all-expenses-paid trip to Davy Jones's locker courtesy of that glamorous relic of your own home planet --kryptonite!
Superman: Crap. Stupid lead door.

Superman: I'm drowning, Miss Teschmacher! Help me!
Miss Teschmacher: I'll save you if you kiss me.
Superman: Sounds like a win-win.
Miss Teschmacher: And rescue my mother.
Superman: Ah. There's always something.

Superman: Here I am flying over Arizona in order to get from Metropolis to New Jersey. Hm, that kryponite must have affected me worse than I thought.

Superman: Well, I saved Hackensack. Mankind should be eternally grateful. Now, there was something else I was going to do...
California: KABLAMMO!
Superman: Oh yeah.

Lois: Superman! Help! I'm being chased by a special effect -- and it's gaining on me!
Superman: Hang on, I have to rescue a school bus full of children and make sure the Amtrak 4:15 to Van Nuys gets through.
Lois: Okay. I'll wait here.

Jimmy: Superman! Help! The dam is falling apart!
Superman: Sorry, still working with unconvincing miniatures. Won't be a sec.
Jimmy: No prob. I'll just hang here till you've got a moment.

Superman: Another tiny cardboard village saved. Now, there was something else I was going to do....
Lois: GAK!
Superman: Oh yeah.

Voice of Jor-El: It is forbidden to interfere with human history.
Superman: Yeah? What about eating up sixteen years of your son's life talking him to death?
Voice of Jor-El: Fine, you win. Go play with your fancy time travel. But if you spin the Earth off its axis and fling seven billion people out into space, don't come running to me!

Superman: You're welcome.
Lois: Um, thank you?
Superman: By the way, you might not be meeting the 'rents for a while.

Jimmy: Thanks, Superman! I heard you repaired the whole San Andreas single-handedly!
Superman: Yes, Jimmy, I was generous to a fault.
(Lois and Jimmy groan while Superman escapes at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Scooter.

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This fiver was originally published on December 26, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Warner Brothers. Please don't let Superman Returns suck, guys. And make sure that draft by J. J. Abrams is burned before it can do any more damage.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.