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Five-Minute "Elementary, Dear Data"

by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: We're not doing much of anything right now. Sounds like we're due for a Holodeck episode.

Data: You wanted to see me, Geordi?
La Forge: Yeah. Check out my model ship. Isn't it great?
Data: No. And you've never expressed an interest in building model ships before.
La Forge: Don't worry. I never will again either.
Data: Good. Why are you looking at the clock?
La Forge: Just trying to determine how much more time we have to waste before we can begin the story.
Data: Screw it. Let's start now. If there's time left over at the end we can do another "Geordi and his ship" scene.

Data: I'll be Sherlock Holmes and you be Dr. Watson.
La Forge: So I get to heal people?
Data: No, you write down everything that happens for later publication.
La Forge: Can you say Reading Rainbow?
Data: Reading Rainbow.
La Forge: I think I like seventh season Data better.

La Forge: (writing and narrating) "It was a dark and stormy night..." Dang it. This is Reading Rainbow.
Inspector Lestrade: Holmes, there's been an awful crime committed. Mr. Boddy has been murdered!
Data: Ha! Ms. Scarlet with the candlestick in the Study! Go me!
La Forge: Data, how could you possibly know that?
Data: Take a look. It's in a book. It's Sherlock Holmes.
La Forge: That's it. I'm leaving.

Pulaski: Have I set myself up as Data's antagonist enough yet?
La Forge: This is only the third episode of the second season.
Pulaski: In that case, Data sucks. He's a toaster. Data, you couldn't solve an original Sherlock Holmes mystery if your life depended on it.
Data: I accept your challenge. I will solve an original Sherlock Holmes mystery and your life will depend on it.
Pulaski: Good!
La Forge: Data, you said--
Data: Shhh.

La Forge: Computer, create a new Sherlock Holmes mystery.
Computer: Isn't there something ironic in asking a less sentient computer to make up a mystery to prove that a more sentient computer is more sentient?
La Forge: Shut up.

Data: Ha! Mrs. Peacock with the wrench in the Kitchen! Go me!
Pulaski: Fraud!
Data: Uh, but... I solved the mystery!
Pulaski: Yeah, but it was obvious and nobody's life was endangered.

La Forge: Computer, create a new Sherlock Holmes mystery with a villain that can show Data up.
Computer: Isn't there something ironic in asking a less sentient computer to make up a character that is more sentient than itself?
La Forge: You know, maybe putting in that smarting off routine wasn't such a good idea.

Moriarty: Hey, that guy said "Arch" and an arch appeared! (ahem) Arch!
Arch: POOF!
Moriarty: Neato.
Computer: What do you want?
Moriarty: I'd like a burger and fries... supersized.
Computer: Sigh. I thought I made you sentient.

La Forge: Hey, where'd the Doctor go?
Pulaski: AHHH!
Data: What Doctor? Heh heh.

Data: The Doctor has been kidnapped by Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum!
La Forge: How do you know that?
Data: They were the only characters from Clue that haven't been and won't be mentioned elsewhere.

Lestrade: Holmes, come quick. There's been a murder!
Data: Hey, that's not Pulaski. I'm leaving.
Lestrade: But, wait! Who did it?
La Forge: It looks like Mr. Green with the revolver in the Hall.
Data: Ha! Not in the slightest! It was Mrs. White with the rope in the Billiard Room. Go me!
La Forge: But there's no way a woman so small could strangle a man so big!
Data: (punches Mrs. White) That's no woman; that's a man, baby!

Moriarty: Hello, Data and Geordi.
La Forge: Shouldn't you call us Holmes and Watson?
Moriarty: No.
Data: Your name, of course, is Professor Moriarty.
Moriarty: And I like to do drawings. Would you like one of the Enterprise?
Data: Only if I can carry it off the Holodeck.

Picard: So what exactly happened?
La Forge: Well, I told the computer to make a character that could completely humiliate Data and cause him to go into a state of catatonic shock for at least a year. Was that a bad idea?
Enterprise: Rumble.
Picard: Hm. Not good.

Moriarty: So why don't you let me off the Holodeck?
Picard: Well, see we can't just do that.
Moriarty: But Data took my drawing of the ship off the Holodeck.
Picard: Are you a drawing of the ship?
Moriarty: No.
Picard: Then you can't come off the Holodeck.
Moriarty: Awww... But I wanna!

Moriarty: Ok. I promise to release the ship and have myself stored in memory as long as you promise to find a way to get me off the Holodeck.
Picard: (crossing fingers) I promise!
(Moriarty disappears)
Picard: Heh heh heh. Sucker!
Data: I hope this doesn't come back to haunt us in four years.
(The Enterprise rendezvouses with the Victory at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 11, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.