Five-Minute "Emergence"
by Nic Corelli
Picard: Shall we try it once more from the beginning? Data, what are you doing with that kettle? I already had my Earl Grey.
Data: You need not make such a fuss over it, Captain. I am merely trying to perform The Tempest in a teapot.
Data: Oh brave new world, that has such trains in it... Wait. Trains?
Train: TOOT TOOT!
Data: AAAAAH!
(divers alarums)
Picard: How strange! Why would a train suddenly storm in on the Holodeck and attack the two of us, Data?
Data: It's practicing for the hundred metre dash?
Enterprise: (I've been forced to endure Shakespeare for one last time....)
Crusher: That train was from my Orient Express program. You're lucky it didn't run you down.
Picard: Murdered by the Orient Express. How ironic.
Data: Shall we go to warp, sir?
Picard: We'll make it so, Mr. Data. Helmsman....
Enterprise: ENGAGE!
Picard: HEY! Bad ship! No stealing lines from your Captain!
La Forge: Curious. The Enterprise detected a dangerous anomaly and jumped to warp to save us, even though the anomaly was undetectable.
Picard: I suggest modifying the sensors to detect that now.
La Forge: Nah, what are the odds of running into it twice?
La Forge: Look at this, Data. This panel has a weird alien node.
Data: Then we can hope for some weird alien flowers and scents from it.
La Forge: Hmm... What if it's an alien trap?
Data: Oh please. You couldn't recognize an alien trap if it painted itself pink and danced in front of you naked with a giant neon sign flashing: "I AM AN ALIEN TRAP".
Conductor: Let me see your tickets.
Data: Um....
Conductor: I find your lack of tickets disturbing.
Riker: Let me do the talking. I know how to handle these situations. (waving fingers) You don't need to see our tickets.
Worf: We're not with him.
Data: It appears the ship is under control of the Holodeck.
Riker: Why should today be any different?
Worf: Don't tell me. Let me guess. For the 47th time?
Data: 1647th, actually.
Data: The ship is developing self-determined intelligence. It is emerging....
La Forge: After it has been long submerged....
Worf: But now the nodes have merged....
Riker: And the intelligence has reemerged....
Picard: And caused us quite an... emergency?
Troi: Let's interact with the characters to gain valuable clues. Just don't arouse the suspicions of the Belgian with the funny moustache.
Worf: What's that?
Guy: A puzzle. Want to help?
Worf: Sure. How do you kill it?
Troi: Could you please tell me what the last station this train visits is?
Conductor: This is the Orient Express.
Troi: Yes, but that's not my question. Tell me what the last station is.
Conductor: Don't you read History? This is the Orient Express! What do you think the last station is? Winnipeg? Moose Jaw?
La Forge: Hey, look, a glowing interlocked shape sitting in the cargo bay. Haven't seen anything that weird in days.
Picard: (over the comm) Status report, Counselor.
Troi: It's very strange. The Mobster is doing some construction work....
Mobster: You need an education... it's just another brick in the wall.
Picard: What about you, Data?
Data: Oh, it's just lovely! After the train, I'm now being attacked by a car. (sticks out hand) You! Shall not! Pass!
Troi: The ship seems pretty persistent in finishing what it's doing. It's behaving like a baby.
Picard: So what do we do, Counselor? Send it to bed without antimatter?
Troi: I say we let it finish what it's doing.
Riker: How can you say that? What if it's building an army of Evil Lemmings of Doom?
Troi: We'll push them off a cliff, then.
Conductor: You! Shovel coal!
Worf: Coal-shovelling? I think not. Romulan-decapitated-corpse-shovelling? Yes please!
Conductor: Just shovel.
Worf: When my work is done I will show you the Klingon custom of p'tinH onn'Ise, the Elimination of Witnesses.
Conductor: AAAAAH! We didn't arrive where we were supposed to! We've been following the wrong track all along! (derails train).
Troi: I'd never thought someone would actually be disappointed for not arriving in Moose Jaw.
Conductor: Set course for New Moose Jaw!
Worf: New Moose Jaw?
Conductor: It's like Old Moose Jaw, only fleshier.
La Forge: I think the Enterprise is trying to create a lifeform. It needs....
Enterprise: I need moose. Get me some moose!
Picard: Meese.
Enterprise: What the spluck?
Picard: Meese. The correct plural of the word "moose" is "meese".
Enterprise: Take your bloody grammar and bury it alongside your phony accent!
La Forge: I think this is what we're looking for... Detecting lots of vertion particles....
Picard: There's moose in that nebula!
(sparkly SFX)
La Forge: Captain, this panel has no nodes.
Picard: (over comm) Then how does it smell?
La Forge: New baby fresh.
Conductor: We have arrived! WOOHOO!
Mobster: Yaaay!
Worf: Whoopee yeeba yeeba!
Troi: Captain, I think I sense happiness.
Data: The new life form has flown away, sir.
Picard: I can't help but feel that this new life form contains the sum total of our beliefs and experiences. In essence, it's our baby.
Data: Does this call for a round of cigars, then?
(Picard and Data smoke up the Ready Room at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2004, Nic Corelli and Steven Maguire.