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Five-Minute "Manhunt"

by Nate the Great

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....

Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent, Doctor.
Wesley: What's in the barrel?
Pulaski: It's fish for their wake-up snack. They think that replicated fish tastes a little too fishy, somehow.

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there!
Picard: What did we do to deserve the --
Data: She has full ambassadorial status, sir.
Picard: -- honour of your visit? Ahem.

Lwaxana: Please carry my luggage, Jean-Luc.
Riker: I'll do it.
Picard: Why?
Riker: I've sworn to protect you, and that thing is so heavy that it set off the mass-overload alarm on this panel.

Lwaxana: Don't forget about the ambassadorial dinner tonight, Jean-Luc.
Picard: So I have to wear my dress uniform three different times in one day, plus I get to have dinner with you? This must be my lucky day.
Lwaxana: I'm sensing sarcasm, Captain.
Picard: I'm sure that it's the pain from Riker's arms about to fall off that's distracting you.

Wesley: She said that the Captain had great legs?
Riker: That wasn't in this fiver.
Wesley: I read the Director's Cut, not the theatrical release.

Picard: Are you coming to dinner, Doctor?
Pulaski: I already ate, Captain.
Picard: Why does that send a shiver down my spine?

Picard: I brought a bottle of ale for Ambassador Troi.
Homn: (nod)
Picard: You're going to drink that, aren't you?
Homn: (nod)
Picard: I can't exactly say that I blame you, given your job.
Homn: (nod)

Pulaski: I just saw the captain going towards your mother's quarters.
Troi: How do you know where my mother's quarters are?
Pulaski: When I was reattaching Commander Riker's arm he told me about the suitcase holes leading to it.
Troi: This might be trouble, given her current medical condition. She's in the Phase.
Pulaski: I've heard of it. An anti-menopausal woman and a straightlaced starship captain. I'd pay for tickets to that dinner.

Lwaxana: I like Earth men. Already I feel like we have a spiritual connection.
Picard: That's great.
Lwaxana: I want you to --
Picard: -- call Data for some after-dinner conversation?
Lwaxana: Um, yes?

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?

Picard: Your mother is a lousy telepath.
Troi: Hey, just because she's hitting on you, it doesn't mean that she's crazy!
Riker: Isn't that the opposite of the point that you made a few scenes ago?
Troi: How did you know about that?
Riker: Wesley loaned me his copy of the Director's Cut.

Picard: Computer, activate Dixon Hill program.
Computer: You're on duty.
Picard: I'm doing my duty by protecting my sanity. You wouldn't want to be commanded by an captain who'd been driven insane by an anti-menopausal ambassador, would you?
Computer: You're talking to a computer. Your sanity is debatable.

Madeline: Hey, Dix. We really need some dough. At least I do.
Picard: I'll try to find a case (after I'm done loafing, that is).
Madeline: Say what, Dix?
Picard: Darn textual scenes!

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

Pulaski: The Antedeans are waking up. You should tell the captain, Commander.
Riker: Of course.
Data: Can I put my zoot suit on first?
Riker: Who said you're -- oh, never mind. Anything to get away from Ambassador Troi.

Riker: Trouble, sir. Mrs. Troi thinks that she's engaged to me.
Picard: Oh, I'm sure that our holographic bartender Rex here will be happy to take her off your hands.
Rex: Whoa, whoa, hold your horses!
Riker: She's beautiful and rich.
Rex: I retract my last statement.

Lwaxana: What a messy room you have here, Jean-Luc!
Except for the hunk behind the counter, of course.
Rex: What's a dame like you doing in a dump like this?
Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: A telepath marrying a hologram. Query: Does this qualify as a joke?
Picard: Data, anything that ties up plot threads in a fiver qualifies as a joke.
Riker: As long as I don't have to marry her, you can call it anything you like.

Lwaxana: The Antedeans are assassins. They want to blow up the conference.
Antedean: That's slander! Or is it libel, since we're in a fiver?
Data: Their robes are lined with explosives, sir.
Picard: Mr. Worf, take them away. They'll have plenty of time to debate the subject.

Picard: Thank you, Mrs. Troi.
Lwaxana: Until next time, Captain. I'll make sure it's even more exciting, if you know what I mean.
Homn: Thank you for the drinks.
Picard: You used your one line on that?
Homn: (shrug)
(The Enterprise flees from Ambassador Troi at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 10, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.