Five-Minute "Star Trek: Nemesis"
by Marc Richard

Romulan Officer: Senators! Allow Shinzon to unite Romulus and Remus so that our Empire can become invincible!
Romulan Praetor: Out of the question! Romulus does not need absurd Reman proposals; all we require from those backward miners are more minerals.
Senator Tal'Aura: "Minerals" as in "slabs of stone"? That can be arranged.
Romulan Senate: GAK!

Picard: We will soon be witnessing the happy union of two Starfleet officers and shipmates who for many years have secretly loved one another and....
Troi: Beverly, I'm so happy for you and Jean-Luc!
Riker: He's talking about us, Deanna.
Crusher: Did you have to remind him?

La Forge: I'm detecting positronic signatures from the surface of Kolarus III.
Picard: We should investigate. It'll give us a chance to try out our new dune buggy.
La Forge: Sir, I said "Kolarus," not "Arrakis."

Data: Look sir -- a robotic upper limb!
Picard: You'd better carry it back to the Argo, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Why me?
Picard: As a Klingon and as a tactical officer, you're the one best suited to bear arms.

Worf: Will you help me carry this robotic torso, sir?
Picard: Can't you handle it on your own?
Worf: Yes, but it's slowing me down and allowing Data to get ahead.
Data: A felicitous turn of phrase, considering what I have just found.

Worf: Enemy ground vehicles approaching at high speed!
Picard: Get in the car, fast! Worf, shoot our cannon at them! Data, fly our shuttle by remote control to the edge of that canyon! I'll swerve like a maniac to avoid their gunfire, then drive over the cliff to reach the shuttle!
Data: Now, sir, do you understand why Starfleet captains are not allowed to lead Away Missions?

Data: I would guess that this is a prototype android built by Dr. Soong.
B-4: Duh, you people look funny.
La Forge: Yeah, but he sure sounds like he was programmed by the Pakled.
B-4: You do not look funny. Are you my brother?
Data: Yes.
B-4: Do we have other brothers?
Data: Let us not go into that subject for now.

Picard: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
Riker: (over the comm) Sir, you have an incoming priority transmission.
Picard: Who is it from?
Female Voice: (over the comm) Coffee, black.
Picard: Belay that question.

Admiral Janeway: There's been a coup on Romulus. Go there at once to make sure the situation doesn't endanger the peace between the Empire and the Federation.
Picard: Good idea. We can't afford a conflict with the Romulans while we're still recovering from our war with the Dominion.
Janeway: What war? What Dominion?
Picard: Don't you know? Where have you been lately?

Data: I would like you to download my katra into B-4.
La Forge: Okay. It sounds risky, but I agree that making backup copies is always a good idea.
Data: Indeed. It proved very useful in the case of Lal.
La Forge: Among others.

Shinzon: Welcome aboard the Scimitar, Captain. I am Shinzon; this is my Reman Viceroy and childhood guardian, Uncle Nosferatu.
Picard: These are my officers -- Commander Riker, Counselor Troi....
Shinzon: (to Troi) Are you a girl? (to Riker) Is that a girl?
Riker: She's not a girl, she's my girl.
Shinzon: How delightful. The three of us should get together some evening.

Shinzon: Here is a souvenir for you -- a small sample of my blood.
Picard: What a strange token of hospitality.
Riker: Particularly since there's a Reman proverb which says, "Extend hospitality only when you expect to have it returned a millionfold."
Shinzon: There is? That's extraordinary! I've never heard of it. How very odd indeed. We must have picked it up from the Ferengi while I wasn't paying attention.

Crusher: I've analyzed the blood sample. Shinzon is a clone of the Captain.
Picard: From where do you think they got the genetic source material?
Crusher: They probably used one of your hairs.
Riker: I'm impressed. Finding one must have been a hell of a tough job.

La Forge: I've detected thalaron aboard the Scimitar.
Picard: Isn't that a type of biogenic radiation that turns people into crumbly rock statues?
Crusher: Yes. It could kill everyone on the Enterprise in a matter of seconds.
La Forge: And put some very nasty scratches in our hull's paint job too.
Picard: Whoa! Enterprise captains traditionally don't like that sort of thing.

Troi: You should get some sleep, Will.
Riker: If you want me to sleep, then you'll have to change into something less....
Shinzon's Telepathic Projection: ....attractive to party-crashers.
Troi: Eeeek! Get away from me!
Riker: Huh? What is it, Deanna? Don't tell me it's the beard again!

Reman Officer: We have recovered our android agent.
Shinzon: Good. Download all the information he stole from the Enterprise computers.
Officer: Done. It includes several Irving Berlin songs -- what shall we do with them?
Shinzon: Save them. Suitably adapted, they could be used as a powerful tool to interrogate Klingon prisoners.

Picard: You did all this just to capture me?
Shinzon: Don't be so vain. In my eyes, you're just a box on a checklist. Here, read it for yourself!
Picard: "Romulan Senate. Picard. Enterprise. Earth. Federation. Galaxy. Universe." Hmph! Sounds to me like you're a little vain yourself, Shinzon.
Shinzon: I disagree. Now keep going! Nobody stops reading in the middle of one of my checklists!

Reman Guard: It's surprising that a robot as dumb as you was able to fool the humans so well, B-4.
(WHUMP!)
Data: Our escape route is now clear, sir, and I have analyzed Shinzon's thalaron weapon system.
Picard: Good work, Data. That will teach the Remans to underestimate you.
Data: Or to call me a robot instead of an android.

Crusher: I think that Shinzon is after your blood. His cells will break down unless he gets a transfusion from you.
Picard: How much of my blood does he need to survive?
Crusher: Let me put it this way. By the time Shinzon's finished with you, our archival images of Locutus will look suntanned by comparison.

Data: You are dangerous. I must deactivate you.
B-4: But I am too childlike to be the cause of any trouble.
Data: I believe that numerous parents of two-year-olds would dispute that statement.

La Forge: Shinzon's thalaron weapon could kill an entire planet's population.
Picard: His plan must be to attack Earth. By destroying the human race, he'll cripple the whole Federation and leave it wide open to invasion.
Riker: That means everything we humans believe in will be lost -- cooperation, peace, justice, humility....

Riker: We're under attack!
Picard: Shields up! Return fire!
Worf: In which direction? The Scimitar is cloaked!
Picard: Then all hands draw cutlasses and prepare to repel boarders!
Riker: Isn't that kind of an old-fashioned naval tactic, sir?
Picard: Just be glad that my ancestors fought at Trafalgar rather than Salamis.

Shinzon: Surrender, Captain.
Picard: Give up your anger, Shinzon. Think of what a better person you could become -- a great and noble and respected man, just like me.
Shinzon: And where does my transfusion fit into all this?
Picard: Well, uh...actually, that's a good question.

Shinzon: Open fire at the Enterprise!
Viceroy: ARGGGGH! The Betazoid empath! She's entering my thoughts!
Shinzon: Are they trying to target their weapons telepathically?
Viceroy: No! She's trying to control me with her mind! (pause) I sense...confusion.
Shinzon: She appears to have succeeded.

Picard: Switch viewer to widescreen mode...perhaps that will help us to see Shinzon's cloaked ship.
(KA-BOOM!)
Picard: I didn't mean quite that wide a view.

Data: We have no torpedoes left and our phasers are down to four percent.
La Forge: That won't be enough against their shields.
Picard: So much for the Trafalgar method. Flight control, steer directly towards the Scimitar and go to ramming speed!
Helmsman: Sir, that'll wreck the saucer section! I can't bring myself to do it!
Picard: Then we'll need an experienced person for the job. Counselor, take the helm!

Picard: How long before the damaged Scimitar can fire its thalaron weapon at us?
La Forge: Seven minutes.
Picard: Then I'm going over there. Prepare for a site-to-site transport.
La Forge: Sir, all our transports are from one site to another. That's what the word "transport" means.
Picard: I think you've been spending too much time around Data, Mr. La Forge.

La Forge: Transporters are down. We have no way to bring the Captain back.
Data: What if I hopped over there and brought him the emergency personal transport unit?
La Forge: Then we'd have no way to get you back.
Data: Even if I trailed a very long bungee cord behind me?
La Forge: We don't have any aboard. Starfleet gave those up when it invented tractor beams.
Data: Then I believe it is time for me to start quoting Vulcan philosophy.

Shinzon: You can't defeat me in a knife duel, Picard! I have too much skill and too much concentration!
(SWISH!)
Picard: Ouch! You've cut me! I'm bleeding!
Shinzon: Great! Hold on a minute while I get my blood-collection kit!
(THUNK!)
Shinzon: GAK!

Data: Use this device to beam to the Enterprise, sir. I will stay and blow up the thalaron weapon.
Picard: I will not leave you here to die!
Data: Do not worry about me. The Kobayashi Maru has just arrived to reinforce us. They will beam me out in the nick of time.
Picard: Ah, well, that's all right then...no, wait a minute!
(BEAM)
Scimitar: KER-BLAM!

Picard: We are gathered here to pay tribute to the memory of a courageous shipmate who gave his life in the line of duty....
Tasha's Ghost: Mind if I sit in on this?
Picard: That seems only fair.

Picard: Those four pips look good on you, Will. Have you gotten used to your new title?
Captain William Troi: Not yet, sir.

Picard: What are you reading, B-4?
B-4: A book with pretty pictures.
Picard: Let me see. Hmm -- "A Visitor's Guide to Mount Seleya." An interesting choice. Well, when you get tired of reading, here's a musical recording you might enjoy.
B-4: "H.M.S. Pinafore"? Why is this good music to listen to?
Picard: Come with me to the shuttlebay and I'll explain.
(The Spacedock crews repair the damaged Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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