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Five-Minute "Q Who?"

by Marc Richard

La Forge: Why are you so polite to our replicators?
Gomez: I called one of these things an overgrown toaster once and it never forgave me.

Gomez: I'm so glad to have this chance to serve....
Picard: Augh!
Gomez: ....the Captain some hot chocolate.
La Forge: Sonya, the Captain likes tea. Preferably in a cup, if you catch my drift.
Gomez: Oops.

Q: Let me take care of that soaked uniform, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Q, give me back my clothes this instant!
Q: Can I at least add some marshmallows?

Picard: Why did you send this shuttle to the other side of the galaxy?
Q: I'm warming up for my next prank.

Guinan: (over the comm) Bridge, I'm sensing something odd in Ten-Forward.
Riker: How? Do you have a sensor dish hidden in that silly hat of yours?
Guinan: Who told you?

Riker: The Captain has mysteriously disappeared from the ship.
Wesley: Hey, neat! Does that mean we all get to move up in rank?
Worf: The Captain has mysteriously reappeared in Ten-Forward.
Wesley: Nuts.

Guinan: Q!
Q: Eh? You?
Guinan: Aye, I.
Q: Gee.
Picard: What is this...first-grade alphabet class?

Q: I came here to serve you.
Picard: Not more hot chocolate, I hope.

Q: I'm going to teach you arrogant humans a lesson!
(The Enterprise is catapulted 7,000 light-years)
Guinan: Q, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: DON'T PROVOKE THE BORG!

Data: We are near system J-25.
Riker: How could this system have a name? This whole sector is unexplored.
Data: I just made it up, sir.

Data: The approaching cubical ship has no bridge, no engine room and no crew.
Worf: It also has no shields and no identifiable weapons.
Riker: I guess it's harmless. We'd better keep our shields down.
Picard: Agreed. We don't want to look threatening.
Guinan: (over the comm) Could I make a small comment here?

Picard: What did the cybernetic intruder do when he arrived?
La Forge: He studied and accessed our food replicator, sir.
Gomez: And he didn't even say "please" to it!

Picard: Lieutenant Worf, apprehend the intruder!
Worf: Anonymous Ensign, apprehend the intruder!
(The Borg drone clobbers the Ensign)
Q: Uniform colours may change, but some traditions never do....

Guinan: The Borg always attack in force, never individually.
Picard: So they'd never send a single cube against Earth, right?
Guinan: Right.

Borg Ship: (over the comm) We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Troi: Captain, they may be threatening us.
Riker: Not the kind of "friendly" greeting you'd use, eh sir?
Picard: Let's hope that's the last we ever hear of it.

Troi: We're dealing with a collective mind here.
Picard: Hmm..."collective." Catchy term.

Q: The Borg want two things from you. One is your technology.
Picard: And the other?
Q: Are you sure you want to know?

Picard: (over the comm) Describe the inside of the Borg ship.
Riker: It's not what I'd call a hive of activity.

Picard: Q, we need you!
Q: I was hoping for "want," but I'll settle for that.

Guinan: Because of Q, the Borg now know of your existence.
Picard: Perhaps what we needed was a kick in our complacency.
Guinan: Perhaps what Q needs is to be stabbed with a fork.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Marc Richard.