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Five-Minute "Sins of the Father"

by Marc Richard

Captain's Log: In exchange for Commander Riker's recent tour of duty on a Klingon ship, a Klingon warrior is coming aboard the Enterprise to serve as our First Officer. I have every confidence that he will adapt successfully to my laid-back, consensus-driven style of command.

Commander Kurn: Guards, give that man twenty lashes for blinking during my inspection of the Bridge crew! Acting Ensign Crusher, set our new course and execute!
Wesley: Shouldn't that be "engage," sir?
Kurn: On a Klingon ship, orders are executed... and if necessary, so are insolent ensigns!
Wesley: Yes, SIR! Setting course, SIR!
Picard: Commander, have you read Starfleet's disciplinary regulations?
Kurn: Of course, sir.
Picard: Including the one that prohibits a First Officer from assassinating his Captain?
Kurn: I had a quick look at it.

Worf: Scan is now complete, SIR!
Kurn: Very well done, Mr. Worf. Now please go have a nice long tea break.
Worf: I am not thirsty, SIR!
Kurn: I insist -- have some tea anyway. Served in a delicate little china cup.
Worf: If those are your orders, I will do so, SIR!
Kurn: And remember to extend your pinkie when you take a sip.

Kurn: Worf, I am your long-lost younger brother.
Worf: Why did you insult me with your patronizing behaviour?
Kurn: I wanted to test your character. This table you smashed with your fist proves that your heart is truly Klingon.
Worf: I must confess that I picked up this habit from my long-lost girlfriend.
Kurn: Ah! Then she too must be Klingon!
Worf: Sufficiently.

Worf: Duras has accused my dead father of aiding the Romulans during the Khitomer massacre. I must go clear his name.
Picard: Mr. Worf, I am 100% behind you....
Worf: I must caution you that Duras is a notorious backstabber.
Picard: ...and I would be honoured to stand at your side -- or even to serve as your vanguard, if you prefer.
Worf: An offer worthy of the inventor of the Picard Maneuver.

Chancellor K'mpec: State your name and purpose!
Worf: I am Worf -- son of Mogh! I come to challenge the lies spoken about my father!
Kurn: I am Kurn -- son of, uh, Lorgh! I am Worf's cha'DIch -- the one who fights for him while he stands accused!
Picard: I am Picard! I offer Worf my support as his commanding officer!
Riker: I am Riker, former First Officer of the Klingon battlecruiser Pagh!
K'mpec: Hah! A likely story! And just why are you here?
Riker: Because I felt like it! You got a problem with that?
K'mpec: Who, me? Not at all. Guards, make more room for this man!

Duras: Worf's father gave the Romulans the access codes to Khitomer's shields. He was a traitor!
Worf: Nonsense! What man in his right mind would bring about an attack in which he himself would be killed?
Duras: Allow me to rephrase my accusation. He was a stupid traitor!

Duras: So, Worf has a brother! He was wise to hide you from me!
Kurn: You represent the dark side of the Empire, Duras! I will not join you!
Duras: If I cannot turn you, then perhaps my sisters will. Here -- look at their photograph!
Kurn: Nice try...but it takes more than a little cleavage to distract a Kling--GAK!
Duras: Heheheh.

Worf: Kurn will recover, but meanwhile I need a new cha'DIch. I would like you to serve in that role.
Picard: Surely a younger man would be more suitable.
Worf: To fight Duras, yes. To resist his dishonourable distraction tactics, no.

Picard: Data has located Kahlest, your elderly nurse. I'll go ask her to testify in your favour.
Worf: The address indicates that she lives in the old quarter of the city. It is dangerous there -- you must watch your step.
Picard: Don't worry...I can defend myself against any thugs I run into.
Worf: I was referring to the numerous potholes in the sidewalks.

Assassin: Die, Picard!
Picard: Wait! Before you strike, promise that you will not harm the old woman standing behind you!
Assassin: Where? AAAAHHHHH! GAK!
Picard: Serves him right. Thank you for distracting him, madam.
Kahlest: You are welcome. Now let me put on my makeup and we can get going.

Worf: So it is your dead father who was the traitor!
Duras: Yes, but my family is powerful -- so the Council framed your dead father to prevent a Klingon civil war!
K'mpec: That is why we must now execute you, Worf, to hold the Empire together!
Picard: This is outrageous! I cannot believe that a controversy of this magnitude could erupt over two men who died more than twenty years ago!
Duras: May I remind you, human, that your own world has just reopened the Kennedy-Oswald investigation?
Picard: That's more or less beside the point!

Worf: To preserve the peace within the Empire, I will accept discommendation.
Picard: Discommendation? What does that mean?
Worf: There is no greater shame in Klingon society. The closest human equivalent is being forced to relinquish the key to the executive washroom.

K'mpec: Worf, the Council hereby casts you into the outer darkness!
Worf: Let us go, Captain. But I swear that one day I shall earn redemption!
Picard: In the meantime, how will you deal with this dishonour?
Worf: I shall retire to my quarters and channel my anger into suitable displacement activities. Do I have your permission to borrow some of Commander La Forge's tools?
Picard: By all means. May I drop by from time to time to look in on your new hobby?
Worf: Be sure to knock first.
(Picard and Worf beam up to the Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 24, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Marc Richard.