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Five-Minute "The Inner Light"

by Nate the Great

Picard: What is that, Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows-compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I'm Batai, council leader, best friend, and all-around loafer.
Kamin: Pleased to meet you. I'm Picard, starship captain, archaeologist, and all-around galactic savior.
Batai: Shouldn't you be pushing the amnesia angle to get information?
Kamin: Um...err...I think it's time to run for the hills now!

Riker: What's going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard's brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow up the probe.
Crusher: But what if it kills the Captain?
Worf: Meh.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I'd rather play my flute and build water condensors to help us survive the drought.
Eline: But you're a terrible musician and the Administrator won't give you a building permit!
Kamin: On second thought, let's make like rabbits!

Data: I am now cutting the phone line.
Probe and Picard: Ack!
Crusher: He's dying!
Riker: Data!
Data: Connection reestablished, but I had to go from AOL to MSN.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won't be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench....
Eline: I'm trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.

Batai Jr.: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said....
Kamin: Hush, you!

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last....
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, wake up!
Picard: Whoa, I haven't had a dream like that since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey!
Riker: I didn't do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot....
Riker: I think I'll just leave before I break up.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 7, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Nate Grant.