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Five-Minute "The Naked Now"

by Marc Richard

Tsiolkovsky Crewman: (over the comm) Yippee! Company's coming! Let's tidy up the place!
Tsiolkovsky Crewman: Gasp!
Riker: Boy, when they vacuum the carpets on that ship, they don't fool around.

Yar: (over the comm) The Tsiolkovsky engineers have all been turned into ice cubes.
La Forge: These crewmen too. Can you imagine how it feels to be frozen like that?
Yar: All too well.

Crusher: You've been acting strangely since you came back aboard.
La Forge: What makes you say that, Mommy?
Crusher: Just a hunch, but I'm still confining you to Sickbay.
La Forge: Really? Oooh, look behind you!
Crusher: (turning around) Huh? At what?
La Forge: (running out the door) At my discarded combadge!

Riker: Search the computer for files about people taking showers naked.
Data: Should that not be "fully clothed," as we witnessed on the other ship?
Riker: Yes, but that wouldn't be as interesting.

La Forge: You built a voice imitator and a portable forcefield generator?
Wesley: Uh-huh. Will I get into trouble for it?
La Forge: Nah, they look harmless enough.

La Forge: (sobbing) Oh, Tasha! I wish I could be Chief Engineer!
Yar: But Geordi, we already have a Chief Engineer.
La Forge: Really? Who?
Yar: Well, this week it's...uh...gee, let me think here for a second....

Riker: Captain, we've found what's causing the trouble.
Data: The collapsing star's shifting gravity has turned water into super-alcohol.
Picard: Damn. This could put my brother's vineyard out of business.

Yar: Your hairstyles always look so nice, Deanna.
Troi: Tasha, I think your judgement is impaired.
Yar: I'm all right...I just feel kind of hot, that's all.
Troi: In which sense?
Yar: Both of them.

Wesley: (over the comm) Hi Captain! I've taken over Engineering!
Riker: Well, at least he's not singing "I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen."
Picard: Not yet anyway.

Yar: You're familiar with the concept of sex, aren't you?
Data: Of course.
Yar: Great! Show me everything you know!
Data: As you wish. (Ahem.) "Chapter One: Male and Female Sexual Anatomy. First paragraph...."

Worf: Captain, there are reports of hanky-panky all over the ship.
Picard: That's strange. When this happened on the old Enterprise, the crew was much less...er, enterprising.
Worf: Perhaps their log entries were made under different censorship standards than ours.
Picard: What? You mean that all this is being recorded?
Worf: Just be glad that I haven't been affected yet.

Picard: Doctor, modern Starfleet uniforms aren't supposed to have zippers.
Crusher: I've gone retro. See how cleverly these gadgets open?
Picard: Uh....

Worf: Sir, the exploding star has just thrown a big rock at us!
Picard: Oh, come on. I may be drunk, but not enough to believe that!

MacDougal: I'd need two hours to replace all those isolinear chips!
Wesley: Ah, but Data's an android! He could do it in ten minutes!
Riker: (to MacDougal) So what do we need you for anyway?

Wesley: Wow, look at Data handle those chips!
Riker: I bet he'd make a great poker player.

MacDougal: It would take a sober Starfleet engineer weeks to lay out the new circuits we need!
Wesley: Ah, but I'm a drunk civilian teenager! I could do it in two minutes!
Riker: Jeez, no wonder we keep replacing our Chief Engineers around here....

La Forge: Hey, my head's clearing! What was in that hypo, Doc?
Crusher: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

Yar: Data, don't ever mention what happened between us!
Data: But all I did was talk for three hours.
Yar: Exactly. I don't need to have the whole crew laughing at me.
(The Enterprise sails away at Lubricious Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Marc Richard.