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Five-Minute "The Neutral Zone"

by Marc Richard

Data: (over the comm) Frozen people, sir. May we return to the ship with them?
Riker: No. They could be dangerous genetically-engineered supermen.
Data: One of them is the most icy naked blonde I have ever seen.
Riker: Bring 'em aboard.

Picard: Several Federation outposts near the Neutral Zone have been destroyed.
Riker: Are the Romulans testing us again after being silent for so long?
Picard: We must assume so. Counselor, can you draw me up a full profile of a typical Romulan?
Troi: I'm not much of a sketch artist, sir, but I'll do my best.
Picard: A psychological profile, if you please.

Crusher: Data beamed some frozen dead people aboard.
Picard: He what?
Crusher: I thawed them out.
Picard: You what?
Crusher: And I cured their illnesses to bring them back to life.
Picard: You WHAT?
Crusher: Jean-Luc, I think I should give you a hearing exam.

Picard: Why would anyone want to be put in cryonic suspension after they died?
Crusher: In the hope of being revived. People in those days were terrified of death.
Picard: Hmpf! I'm glad we modern humans no longer have such childish fears.
Crusher: (picking up an instrument) Me too. Now let me check those ears of yours.
Picard: Don't come near me with that thing!

Picard: Data, why didn't you leave those three bodies where they were?
Data: Letting their capsule disintegrate would have violated my ethical subroutines.
Picard: But they were already dead! What difference would it have made?
Data: I had no problem with them resting in peace, sir. It's the "resting in pieces" scenario that bothered me.

Ralph Offenhouse: Could I see today's issue of the Wall Street Journal?
Riker: I'm afraid that we don't carry it.
Offenhouse: Well get a copy somewhere! I want to find out how my Enron stock's been doing since 1999.

Troi: Romulans usually think like master chess players.
Picard: Hmm. That means I should treat any encounter with them like a poker game.
Troi: Actually, I was going to suggest tiddlywinks.

Data: Would you care for some replicated pecan pie?
L.Q. "Sonny" Clemonds: Gee, I dunno -- this here hunk o' pie looks like resequenced protein. Don't y'all have a chef on board?

Clare Raymond: Boo-hoo! I miss my kids!
Picard: If you like, you're welcome to borrow Wesley Crusher until he grows up.

Sonny: I need some uppers for the morning and some downers for the evening.
Crusher: Here's a prescription for ice-cold showers and steamed milk with nutmeg.
Sonny: I had something stronger in mind, if ya catch my drift.
Crusher: Sorry, but "Janeway Blend" coffee and Data's poetry are both controlled substances.

Worf: The entire outpost seems to have been scooped off the planet's surface.
Picard: Could the Romulans have developed an advanced form of suction-cup technology?
Data: Of the required size and power, sir? Unlikely.
Riker: Then who's responsible? I'd settle for a guess at this point.
Picard: Irrelevant. Without more facts, speculation is futile.

Worf: Sensors indicate an unidentified disturbance is approaching!
Offenhouse: (entering the Bridge) Picard, I want a word with you right now!
Picard: Mr. Worf, arm the main phasers.

Picard: Come in, Romulan vessel. This is Captain Picard of the Enterprise.
Tebok: Greetings, human. We despise you.
Picard: If that's the case, let's dispense with the formalities.
Thei: And our ship is much bigger than yours, too.

Picard: Since we've both lost outposts, let's cooperate by sharing future information on these mysterious attacks.
Thei: Notwithstanding our superiority, we agree.
Worf: Captain, beware of Romulans bearing gifts!
Tebok: How curious -- we Romulans say the same thing about the Cardassians.
Worf: Different bottles, same ale.

Picard: The starship Charleston will have you back on Earth in just a few months.
Clare: Will that be enough time for us to get ready to live in this century?
Picard: That depends. What do you plan to do when you get home?
Clare: I was thinking of starting a monthly series of cooking, gardening and home-decoration holoprograms.
Sonny: And I've been booked to star in the first interstellar Elvis Presley revival tour in two hundred years.
Offenhouse: As for me, I'm already in discussions about leading a high-level trade delegation to the Ferengi homeworld.
Picard: Then the real question, madam, is whether our century is ready for the three of you.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Marc Richard.