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Five-Minute "The Dearly Beloved"

by Zeke

Sandy: So great, I'll come check the place out. ....3:00? Well, Caleb's funeral is at 4... can we make the visit longer than an hour?

Seth: I can't believe Grandpa's dead. With all the shady deals he made, I figured immortality had to be in there somewhere.
Kirsten: Yeah, we all thought so. Are you going to be okay, honey?
Seth: Funny you should ask that while pouring vodka on your Frosted Flakes.
Kirsten: Whoops! That was silly -- I meant to use whiskey. Well, better late than never.

Ryan: Oh boy. You're sure you found this in your dad's desk?
Seth: I wish I were wrong, man.
Ryan: I mean, the rehab brochure is one thing. But a Sailor Moon pencil sharpener?
Seth: (shudder) It makes me think the wrong thing.

Doctor: As you can see, we have a wonderful environment here. Generous accomodations, beautiful grounds....
Sandy: Is that a glass of wine on the table?
Doctor: That's one of our temptation-resistance aids. It delivers a 50,000-volt shock on contact.
Sandy: Boy, this place is just what Kirsten needs.

Marissa: Dad!
Jimmy: Hey, kiddo! I heard Caleb was dead and I came to hook up with Julie while the corpse is still warm. I mean, to help you guys out.
Marissa: I missed you so much!
Jimmy: I missed you too. Especially your hearing skills.

Hailey: Hey, sis. How's Dad?
Kirsten: Dead!
Hailey: Still? I thought we had, like, medical technology now. Oh well. How are you?
Kirsten: Hmm... slightly lucid. Better nip it in the bud. Pass me that bottle of rum.

Jess: Big drug deal coming up. I need you for backup, sexy. (hands him a gun)
Trey: Why am I still even letting you in the house?

Summer: Thought you could use some company, now that we're together again.
Seth: Hey, you brought Princess Sparkle! Holding... a little notebook?
Summer: She's taking bets on how long before you screw up again.
Seth: Ah. Put Captain Oats down for three hours.

Priest: And so we commend Caleb Nichol to the earth he so loved to pillage. Ashhole to ashes, dirtbag to dirt....
Sandy: Caleb Nichol was a great man. He sure grated on me. Let me list some examples....
Hailey: I'd like to share Dad's favourite Bible verse. "Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished...."
Jimmy: This is a great funeral. Isn't this a great funeral?
Everyone: (glare)
Jimmy: Well, it is.

Trey: All right, Jess, I'll do this thing tonight. But that's the last drug-related favour I'm ever doing for you.
Jess: That reminds me, can you pick me up some painkillers at the drug store?
Trey: What brand?

Jimmy: So hey. How's life in wherever it was you went?
Hailey: Pretty good. How about you? I hear you left too.
Jimmy: Yeah, I decided I was doing Marissa more harm than good by being here when she needed me. Also, sex with Julie.
Hailey: I read where that's the number one reason cited by people leaving Newport.

Sandy: I'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be drinking straight out of that bottle of wood alcohol.
Kirsten: Mind yer own business, whoever you are!
Julie: You need a break, Sandy. Let me look after her for a while.
Sandy: Hey, thanks... wait. You have an ulterior motive, don't you?
Julie: It takes a lot to make me look mature and responsible. But right now, standing next to Kirsten just might do it.

Seth: It was sweet of you to offer my mom that plate of food, Summer. I'm sorry she threw it in your face.
Summer: All I'm saying is she didn't have to start throwing other people's plates at me too.
Ryan: Man, who knew a wake could be such a drag? Let's go hit the Bait Shop.
Marissa: The Bait Shop? What if Trey's there?
Ryan: Aw, don't worry. What are the odds?

Marissa: (points at Trey)
Ryan: Okay, you win. But we may as well stay anyway. It's not like there's anywhere else to go in this town.

Trey: Gah! Jess, are you nuts? I can't do this with Ryan here!
Ryan: Do what?
Marissa: Yes, do what?
Seth: What, indeed!
Trey: Um... karaoke. You know how much you hate it when I butcher The Who. But come on, man, we grew up in a teenage wastel--
Jess: We'll be going now. Sass you later.
Marissa: (snort) Stupid Holly.
Ryan: You noticed too, huh? It's eerie.

Jimmy: So tell me, did I miss anything big?
Sandy: Well, a lot of stuff happened... but then most of it unhappened. So no, not rea--
Julie: Sandy? Kirsten just poured every drink at the party into one gigantic cocktail.
Sandy: Honey, no! That thing must be about 4000 proof! You'll --
Kirsten: (on fire) Now look, you've made a scene.

Summer: What was that about? You were staring at Trey like he'd just shot your dog and spared your mom.
Marissa: Was I? That's funny. You're funny, Sum.
Summer: We'll pick this up later. Right now I need to slap Seth. He keeps going on about how he used to work here as if that's somehow interesting.

Jess's Cizustomer: Thanks fo' the whack, baby. Maybe we'll pizay yo' some time.
Jess: (grabbing Trey's gun) How about now? Is now good?
Jess's Cizustomer: Dayayayayayamn! Bizotch got a piece! Shizoot 'em to the G-bone!
Trey: And you needed me to be here as what exactly? A big walking holster?

Ryan: Marissa!
Marissa: Oof... I'm okay. It's just a flesh wound.
Ryan: Well yeah. I wasn't worried it would be a hair wound.
Summer: GASP! Seth, check my hair! Now!

Hailey: So, Kirsten's obviously nuts. Need any help detoxing her?
Sandy: Well, you could distract her tomorrow. And I haven't told Seth yet....
Hailey: I dunno, breaking things gently isn't exactly my forte. Remember how I told Jimmy I was leaving him?
Jimmy: Hey, there's a note on my door... "Dear Jimmy: DUMPZOR'D! Your pal, Hailey."
Sandy: Point taken. I guess I'll put it off some more.

Trey: Hey Ry. This is about the Bait Shop, right? I swear, I had no idea I had a gun.
Ryan: Out. I want you out of Newport. Now.
Trey: What? You don't own the OC.
Ryan: (shoving Trey back) Tell your friends. Tell all your friends. I am the OC.
Trey: All right! Fine. But if anyone asks, I'm leaving because of sex with Julie.

Julie: I don't know, Jimmy. It seems too soon for a date....
Jimmy: Don't worry, I just checked. Caleb's body temperature is 11 C. That's not even lukewarm.
Julie: Oh, okay then.

Sandy: Seth... your mother has a drinking problem.
Seth: Yo' momma so fat, she got her own event horizon.
Sandy: (sigh) No. Your actual mother has an actual drinking problem. Now help me ship her off.
Seth: What? No! Mom's fine!
Sandy: This morning she drank your aftershave.
Seth: Like any caring mother would!

Summer: Come on, I know something happened! You can't just keep it Cooped up until you --
Marissa: (sniff sniff... sob)
Summer: Awww, there there, honey! Don't start crying! We'll be here all day!
Marissa: Summer... you can't ever tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, okay?
Summer: Hey, you know I can keep a secret. Even when I have my fingers crossed.

Kirsten: That spa distraction was a great idea, Hailey. I feel so much better.
Hailey: Yeah, me too. Now let's go straight home without making any stops.
Kirsten: Uh, okay... except for red lights, right?
Hailey: (checks watch) Yeah, we've got time for most of those.

Seth: I get why you're doing this, Dad. I mean, Mom tried to spike the air conditioner once. But I can't be part of it.
Sandy: I understand. It's okay, I've got a backup for you in the intervention.
Seth: AAAA! Is that Grandpa's corpse?
Sandy: We're going to sort of dance it around.

Kirsten: Hey guys... wait, who are you?
Doctor: Your family asked me to help them set up an intervention. Don't worry. Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes.
Kirsten: More like sympathetic lies! I don't need a --
Sandy: Yeah, you do.
Hailey: You totally do.
Ryan: You do to the max.
Kirsten: But... but....
Seth: C'mon, Mom. You do. Out the wazoo.
Kirsten: (sob)
Sandy: Time for the group hug, guys. -- Hey, not you!
Doctor: I'm so lonely.

Jess: Where do you think you're going?
Trey: Ryan told me to leave town. And he's the younger brother, so I have to obey him. Our family's a little weird.
Jess: Then I'm coming too! I never liked Newport anyway. Everyone here is so... so....
Trey: Reluctant to have massive orgies on crack?
Jess: Exactly! Puritanical!

Kirsten: Goodbye, boys. Be good. Don't shoot anyone I wouldn't shoot.
Seth: Bye, Mom! We'll write every ten minutes!
Ryan: Hey Seth, maybe I'm gonna be sorry I asked this, but who's running the Newport Group now?
Seth: Oh, I made a call....

Luke: All right! This office is sweet. Secretary, get me a coffee. Then cancel all my meetings and the coffee and send in some hot interns. Oh yeah!

Ryan: Right. Sorry I asked.
Summer: Hey! Seth, can we talk for a sec? Alone?
Seth: Sure. Ryan, go do the dishes.
Ryan: (mutters) Stupid younger-brother rule.

Seth: Wow. We have to tell Ryan about this. If he doesn't know, he might... uh, not know.
Summer: If you're sure. How are you going to tell him?
Seth: Please, my little dumpling. The same way I tell anyone anything: in the worst way imaginable.

Sandy: Well, here we are. Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.
Nurse: Sorry, she can't go anywhere till we've checked her bags. And her pockets. And scanned her with our alcohol-detection ray. And....
Sandy: Maybe I should just leave you to it. Honey, I'll call you as soon as I can.
Nurse: Whoa! No communication with the inmates. Phone, letters, email -- any of them could be a source of alcohol.
Kirsten: (mouths "Don't leave me here" to Sandy)
Sandy: Aww, I love you too.

Seth: Hey Ryan. So yeah, Trey pulled a Spike on Marissa.
Ryan: He pulled out his spike at her?!
Seth: Pretty much. So don't do anything crazy, okay?
Ryan: Oh, I won't. Unless it's crazy to tear your own brother limb from limb.
Seth: Good stuff. Have fun.
(20 minutes later)
Seth: Wait a second -- that is crazy!

Ryan: I found out what you did, Trey. And now you're gonna die.
Trey: (draws gun) Whoa! I think not, bro. I'm not putting down this gun till you back out of the --
Ryan: Shoe's untied.
Trey: Again? I -- OW!

Marissa: Mom? Dad? Are you guys actually in the same room without violence?
Jimmy: We've been thinking, kiddo. Now that Caleb is just another underground Nichol deposit....
Julie: ....we thought we'd try getting back together. Would you like that?
Marissa: Sure! After all, if there's anyone I can trust not to hurt me again, it's you two, right? (walks off)
Jimmy: Okay, which one of us did she get the sarcasm genes from?

Seth: Marissa, Ryan knows what happened and he's gone to fight Trey! You have to --
Marissa: I'll go over there right now! (hangs up)
Summer: Nooooo! We were trying to warn you not to go! Between that fakeout earlier and your family getting back together, could you BE any more marked for death?

Trey: You're dead, man! DEAD!
Ryan: Shoe's... untied....
Trey: I am not falling for that a twelfth time!
Marissa: Trey, stop! You'll kill him! You'll -- NOOOOOO! (grabs gun and shoots Trey)
Ryan: ...
Summer: ...
Seth: ...
Trey: ...GAK! (THUD)
Marissa: I guess somebody had to break the silence.


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This fiver was originally published on June 17, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Zeke.