5SP: Season 1

by Zeke

Five-Second "Remembrance"

Picard: It's been 20 years since Nemesis, and I am old and sad.
Dahj: Not anymore! I'm Data's other daughter and I -- (BOOM)
Picard: Well, this was a short series.
Jurati: Maybe not. You know what they say about daughters... they tend to come in pairs.
Picard: Really?
Jurati: I mean, I assume so. Gloves do, right?

Five-Second "Maps and Legends"

Picard: We need to go save Data's other other daughter before she gets blown up by... who was it again?
Laris: The Tal Shiar's Tal Shiar, a not at all silly concept. When do we leave?
Dr. Benayoun: Hey! Not you. Jean-Luc is dying of that thing he's always dying of in the future, and I don't want too many interesting characters around him raising his blood pressure.
Jurati: That's no problem for me, since I have no horrible secrets or anything. But who do we get to fly us there?
Picard: I know a discount Zoe from Firefly with some connections. Anyone she knows will be even less interesting, so we're all set.
Dr. Benayoun: I don't know. Can't you just call up Beverly?
Picard: I promise you, this person makes her look like Major Kira.

Five-Second "The End is the Beginning"

Zeke: Nothing really happens in this one, so we'll skip it.
Narek: What about my storyli--
Zeke: Did I stutter?

Five-Second "Absolute Candor"

Rios: So we're heading for that wrecked Borg cube, right?
Picard: Right. After a short sidequest to pick up an optional party member.
(One short sidequest later)
Elron: Sup.
Rios: Uh, have the Romulans always been elves, or is that new?
Picard: Just drive.

Five-Second "Stardust City Rag"

Michael Chabon: Hey Trek fans! You like Voyager, right?
Trek Fans: Sure do!
Michael Chabon: *absolutely grinds Voyager into the mud*

Five-Second "The Impossible Box"

Picard: Do you have a woman on this cube with a mysterious storyline centering on her?
Hugh: Yes, but you'll have to hurry. I think that storyline is about to go critical.
Narek: (looking up from trying to kill Soji) Shh, no it's not.
Hugh: We'll have to beam you two across the galaxy. Hopefully there are no fan projects that'll have to write around this on short notice.
Picard: Why would --
Starship Excelsior: OH COME ON

Five-Second "Nepenthe"

Picard: Just for a change of pace, let's do an episode that everyone can agree is really good.
Riker: I appreciate you lining that up with our guest spot.
Picard: You're sure I can't talk you into doing any more?
Riker: *looks at Troi*
Troi: Oh fine, you can do a cameo, but that's it. You know we regret these Romulan storylines every time.

Five-Second "Broken Pieces"

Raffi: Welcome aboard! We'll head for your mysterious destination in a bit.
Soji: In a bit? I'm kind of in a hurry...
Rios: Well, we have some personal issues to chew over first. That's just how shows like this work.
Soji: Why is there so much filler in a season this short?
Raffi: Count your blessings. Over on Discovery they get three more episodes a year and that's all filler too.

Five-Second "Et in Arcadia Ego, Part 1"

Picard: Wow, a secret planet of Data-like beings! They must be hiding here from the Federation's Butlerian Jihad.
Jurati: I sure hope that massive part of our setting isn't too big to fix with a throwaway line in the finale.
Rios: We have more immediate problems. Like the Romulan fleet coming to kill us!
Picard: Oh, that'll be fine. We just have to explain that we're not going to summon the Lovecraftian machine gods from beyond space and time.
Soji: We were supposed to not do that?!

Five-Second "Et in Arcadia Ego, Part 2"

Soji: We made you a robot body, but that was close. You nearly died saving the synths.
Picard: That's just how strongly I believe in the value of life.
Ghost of Data: Hey, mind killing me for literally no reason?
Picard: Sure.
Michael Chabon: This ending will be super controversial. Because of the robot body.


Worf: *sulks*
Geordi: You're not actually upset that we weren't in that thing, are you?
Crusher: I think he's still mad that he didn't get his "Captain Worf" show.
Worf: It would have been GLORIOUS and you know it!
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These five-seconders were originally published on March 6, 2022.

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All material © 2022, Zeke.