5SP: Season 2

by Zeke

Five-Second "The Star Gazer"

Q: Mon capitaine! We have so much catching up to do!
Picard: Dammit, Q, put me back!
Q: Oh, were you in the middle of something?
Picard: The Borg were invading! I was about to die and I was surrounded by the Season 1 cast and... you know what, how've you been?

Five-Second "Penance"

Rios: So we're in the mirror universe?
Picard: No, a terrible alternate timeline! One where the Federation is an evil empire that conquered the galaxy!
Rios: ...So we're in the mirror universe.
Picard: Fortunately, Q's pranks are never irreversible. What we must do is --
Jurati: Trick him into saying his name backwards!
Everyone: *stare*
Jurati: Oh, I guess that wouldn't work.

Five-Second "Assimilation"

Jurati: Okay! We're back in time. Now what?
Picard: This won't be easy. Just for starters, I think this is the Present Day, so at least half of us are bound to get caught up in some stupid topical plotline if we're not carefu--
Jurati: Hey, where'd everyone go?
Picard: Dammit. I guess I'll have to look up my friend in this time.
Jurati: You know someone on Earth 400 years in the past?
Picard: You don't make Admiral without being connected.

Five-Second "Watcher"

Picard: Guinan, I --
Past Guinan: RACIST!
Picard: What?
Guinan: Racist! Sexist! Privileged patriarchal cis hetero old white man!
Picard: You, uh... seem different.
Guinan: Body-shamer!

Five-Second "Fly Me to the Moon"

Tallinn: Remember, this is a special exception. We Supervisors don't let just any Karen come see us.
Picard: Gasp! You look just like my Romulan housekeeper-slash-paramour Laris!
Picard: Nobody's watching anymore, are they?
Tallinn: If only Paramount would put a little effort into marketi--
Tallinn: This season! Market this season!
Picard: (shrug) I'll take it. I'm in that one too.

Five-Second "Two of One"

Picard: We need to convince my ancestor to go to space. Time for this season's caper episode!
(one caper later)
Jurati/Borg Queen: That went well.
Rios: No it didn't! The mission failed and Picard got hit by a car!
Jurati/Borg Queen: But the rest of us are doing great!
Rios: ...
Jurati/Borg Queen: Stop staring at my speaker credit.

Five-Second "Monsters"

Tallinn: When that car hit Picard, it must have isekai'd him. I'll enter his mind and help with whatever wacky adventure he's having.
Picard: Ise-what? No, I'm just hanging out with Dr. Baltar from BSG and finding out how my mother died.
Tallinn: Please tell me it wasn't spousal abuse in Roddenberry's future.
Picard: No no, of course not. It was mental illness and suicide. In Roddenberry's future.
Tallinn: Let's just get out of here. (to Baltar) Nice meeting you. Don't mistake any preganglionic fibers for postganglionic nerves.
Maurice Picard: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tallinn: Nonsense.

Five-Second "Mercy"

Adam Soong: Shouldn't our plotline be in at least one sce--
Kore: No.
Picard: We must make a final effort to see that my ancestor successfully "The Waters of Mars"es human history!
Rios: Hey, what ever happened to Q? Didn't you say he would probably meddle and try to stop us?
Picard: Yes, but he must not have bothered. I'm sure any plan of his would've been interesting enough to be in at least one scene by now.

Five-Second "Hide and Seek"

Tallinn: We did it! We shot your ancestor into space! And I also got shot, which I guess was probably a clerical error.
Picard: No! This can't be happening!
Tallinn: Don't worry, I'm at peace. I hear beautiful music... it sounds like "mmm whatcha say"...
(She dies)
Picard: I don't care how well it fits the episode title, I refuse to believe we just made that joke in 2023.

Five-Second "Farewell"

Picard: No more episodes, Q. Time to finally tell us what this was all about.
Q: Nothing!
Picard: ...Nothing?
Q: Literally nothing! All that ominous threatening dialogue earlier? It wasn't going anywhere at all!
Picard: This is easily the most evil thing you've ever done.
Q: And with that, I can die happy. See ya!
(Back in the future)
Raffi: The Borg have control! We're all gonna di--
Picard: Jurati, stop making an ass of yourself.
Jurati/Borg Queen: Okay. See ya!
(Back on Earth)
Laris: So how did all that go?
Picard: I learned what was really important in life was here at home.
Laris: Aww, I --
Picard: The wine, that is. Hold all my calls, I'll be drinking this season off.


Wesley: What about my --
Wesley: But I --
Wesley: You fascist!
Picard: We need to talk, Matalas. I'm not putting up with another year of this.
Terry Matalas: Uh... can a character quit?
Picard: I'll find a way! Stewart may not care, but this is ruining my legacy. If you want me to come back, you need to write something that is worlds better than the first two seasons.
Terry Matalas: I'm working on it, but so far I'm maxing out at "almost watchable".
Picard: Perfect! See you on set.
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These five-seconders were originally published on April 18, 2023.

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All material © 2023, Zeke.