Q: Mon capitaine! We have so much catching up to do!
Picard: Dammit, Q, put me back!
Q: Oh, were you in the middle of something?
Picard: The Borg were invading! I was about to die and I was surrounded by the Season 1 cast and... you know what, how've you been?

Rios: So we're in the mirror universe?
Picard: No, a terrible alternate timeline! One where the Federation is an evil empire that conquered the galaxy!
Rios: ...So we're in the mirror universe.
Picard: Fortunately, Q's pranks are never irreversible. What we must do is --
Jurati: Trick him into saying his name backwards!
Everyone: *stare*
Jurati: Oh, I guess that wouldn't work.

Jurati: Okay! We're back in time. Now what?
Picard: This won't be easy. Just for starters, I think this is the Present Day, so at least half of us are bound to get caught up in some stupid topical plotline if we're not carefu--
Jurati: Hey, where'd everyone go?
Picard: Dammit. I guess I'll have to look up my friend in this time.
Jurati: You know someone on Earth 400 years in the past?
Picard: You don't make Admiral without being connected.

Picard: Guinan, I --
Past Guinan: RACIST!
Picard: What?
Guinan: Racist! Sexist! Privileged patriarchal cis hetero old white man!
Picard: You, uh... seem different.
Guinan: Body-shamer!

Tallinn: Remember, this is a special exception. We Supervisors don't let just any Karen come see us.
Picard: Gasp! You look just like my Romulan housekeeper-slash-paramour Laris!
(silence)
Picard: Nobody's watching anymore, are they?
Tallinn: If only Paramount would put a little effort into marketi--
Paramount: BIG NEWS! TNG REUNION! FULL ORIGINAL CAST! COMING 2023! STAR TREK: PICARD SEASON 3!
Tallinn: This season! Market this season!
Picard: (shrug) I'll take it. I'm in that one too.

Picard: We need to convince my ancestor to go to space. Time for this season's caper episode!
(one caper later)
Jurati/Borg Queen: That went well.
Rios: No it didn't! The mission failed and Picard got hit by a car!
Jurati/Borg Queen: But the rest of us are doing great!
Rios: ...
Jurati/Borg Queen: Stop staring at my speaker credit.

Tallinn: When that car hit Picard, it must have isekai'd him. I'll enter his mind and help with whatever wacky adventure he's having.
(WHOOSH)
Picard: Ise-what? No, I'm just hanging out with Dr. Baltar from BSG and finding out how my mother died.
Tallinn: Please tell me it wasn't spousal abuse in Roddenberry's future.
Picard: No no, of course not. It was mental illness and suicide. In Roddenberry's future.
Tallinn: Let's just get out of here. (to Baltar) Nice meeting you. Don't mistake any preganglionic fibers for postganglionic nerves.
Maurice Picard: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tallinn: Nonsense.

Adam Soong: Shouldn't our plotline be in at least one sce--
Kore: No.
(Elsewhere)
Picard: We must make a final effort to see that my ancestor successfully "The Waters of Mars"es human history!
Rios: Hey, what ever happened to Q? Didn't you say he would probably meddle and try to stop us?
Picard: Yes, but he must not have bothered. I'm sure any plan of his would've been interesting enough to be in at least one scene by now.

Tallinn: We did it! We shot your ancestor into space! And I also got shot, which I guess was probably a clerical error.
Picard: No! This can't be happening!
Tallinn: Don't worry, I'm at peace. I hear beautiful music... it sounds like "mmm whatcha say"...
(She dies)
Picard: I don't care how well it fits the episode title, I refuse to believe we just made that joke in 2023.

Picard: No more episodes, Q. Time to finally tell us what this was all about.
Q: Nothing!
Picard: ...Nothing?
Q: Literally nothing! All that ominous threatening dialogue earlier? It wasn't going anywhere at all!
Picard: This is easily the most evil thing you've ever done.
Q: And with that, I can die happy. See ya!
(Back in the future)
Raffi: The Borg have control! We're all gonna di--
Picard: Jurati, stop making an ass of yourself.
Jurati/Borg Queen: Okay. See ya!
(Back on Earth)
Laris: So how did all that go?
Picard: I learned what was really important in life was here at home.
Laris: Aww, I --
Picard: The wine, that is. Hold all my calls, I'll be drinking this season off.

THE END