Five-Minute "Blank"
by Derek Dean
ois: They're more expensive than you think.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain: Can't you forget it just this once?
(ZAP!)
Lois: Forgotten.
Chloe: So you want to go to college at Miami? Why?
Clark: They say the Atlantic has no memory.
Chloe: That's the Pacific, Clark.
Clark: Oh.
Chloe: And that still doesn't explain why you're applying to Miami University in Ohio.
Lois: The Talon's been robbed!
Clark: I'll just catch that guy who has conspicuously left the building.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain: ZAP!
Montage: Wheee!
Clark: Huh? Who am I? Where am I?
Chloe: Clark?
Clark: Mommy?
Chloe: So this is where you live, Clark.
Clark: This is your bedroom, Chloe. It says so on the door.
Chloe: So much for that plan.
Lois: What's wrong with Clark?
Chloe: He's lost his memory.
Lois: Well, that's about par for the course, but doesn't that normally happen at the end of the episode?
Chloe: Just tell me where the Kents are.
Lois: Conveniently gone, so you get to be his Yoda.
Jason: Good news! You got accepted to Central Kansas! Now we can get back to the plans we made before the war.
Lana: I'm not sure how much I want to go to college, or metaphorically, our relationship.
Jason: Don't give up on me! I'm a twisted, conflicted individual who just expresses his twisted, conflicted self in a really boring way. I need your help.
Lana: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
Chloe: Here. Bend this crowbar.
(BEND!)
Clark: Cool! I'm a superhero!
Chloe: Er, no. You're just another kryptonite-mutated freak-of-the-week.
Clark: So I'm not special?
Chloe: Not really. I mean, geez, you can't even teleport yourself.
Chloe: Okay, let's track the Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain. Look for something.
(X-RAY!)
Clark: Oooh! I can look through stuff. Why didn't you tell me I had X-Ray vision?
Chloe: I, uh, wanted you to figure it out for yourself.
Clark: Ha! You didn't know I could. I can see right through you.
Clark: Hubba hubba! Who is that beauty on the stairs? She makes me all hot under the eyelids.
Chloe: Shouldn't that be "hot under the collar"?
(FOOM!)
Chloe: Guess not. Am I just going to get a grand tour of all your powers?
Lois: Still trying to find your lost memories?
Clark: Yeah. It's hard interacting with people without them.
Lois: Pfft. You can figure out anything without any memories at all. Haven't you seen Memento?
Clark: I don't remember.
Clark: Hi, Lana. I think I'm in love with you.
Lana: Um, Clark, don't you remember our awful relationship, our horrible breakup, and my current boyfriend?
Clark: No.
Lana: Well, in that case, maybe I'll come over tonight.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain: Sniff. I'm leaving, Dad. I'll never be able to forgive myself for killing my brother with your gun.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Er, that's not exactly how it happened.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain: Forget it.
(ZAP!)
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Can I help you?
Lois: Yes, do you happen to have any Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villains living here?
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Just my son, but I haven't seen him for a while.
Clark: I can super-hear someone leaving the house on a motorcycle.
Chloe: Hey, genius, the motorcycle doesn't have a muffler on. Everyone can hear it. Now chase after it.
Clark: You mean I can run really fast? Can I fly too?
Chloe: Don't be silly.
Chloe: Lex, we need to mine your contacts at Summerholt to figure out more about this week's villain.
Lex: Sure thing, Chloe. Let me just have a few minutes with Clark while I prey upon his innocence.
Clark: Hee hee. I bet you say that to every girl.
Lex: So here are the caves we found. Do you remember anything about them?
Clark: Nothing. This all looks exactly like the drawings in my loft, except of course for the room I'd marked "secret" that should be through that wall.
Lex: (scribbling furiously) I see. And is that to the left or right of your decoder ring for the writing in this cave?
Chloe: La la la. Breaking into Summerholt... Emailing files to myself....
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Getting abducted....
Chloe: Hey, that wasn't part of the plan.
Clark: Wait a second, villain! Your memories are fake ones!
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain/Kevin: Gasp! You're right! Sorry about taking your memories.
Clark: No problem. Now let's break into Summerholt to get them back.
Lois: Where's Chloe?
Sheriff: What she said, but with more of a threat.
Secretary: Chloe is currently undergoing her 3:00 mind wipe.
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Mwahaha! And now to remove your memories!
Kevin: I'm going to stop you, Dad!
Evil Mwahaha-Amnesia Villain's Dad: Mwahaha! You're too late! Ha ha!
(SUPER-RUN!)
(ZAP!)
Montage: Wheee!
Clark: I have my memories back!
Building: Collapse!
Lois and Sheriff: Uh-oh. If we just witnessed Clark doing something super, that means we're probably going to get mindwiped, doesn't it?
Kevin: Yep. (ZAP ZAP ZAP!)
Kevin: Thanks for your help, my mentor and friend.
Clark: Uh, am I supposed to remember you?
Clark: Hey, Lex. What are you doing in the barn?
Lex: Certainly not stealing your cave drawings, that's for sure!
Clark: That's a relief.
Lana: Well, here I am!
Clark: Um, are we dating again? What about Jason? What about our miserable relationship from before?
Lana: But I'm all dressed up.
Clark: Good point. Let's date.
Clark: So, Chloe, did you find out about my powers while I was an amnesiac?
Chloe: No, I found out about your powers long before that.
Clark: Good, then my secret's still safe!
(Clark continues to miss Chloe's very obvious hints that she knows at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2005, Derek Dean.