Five-Minute "Commencement"
by Derek Dean

ason's Mom: Mwahaha! Give me the stone!
Lana: You've been a really unimpressive villain.
Jason's Mom: What do you mean been?
Lana/Isabella: I mean, in classic Buffy style, I'm going to drive this stone right through your heart.
Isabella: POOF!
Lana: I'm sure that poof is going to come back to haunt me.
Lex: And the fact that you murdered someone isn't?
Lana: Oh, that's already haunting me.

Clark: AAAAH! It's coming! It's coming!
Ma Kent: What's coming?
Clark: Oh wait, it was just a dream. I guess it isn't coming after all.
14: 20
Clark: Or maybe it is.

Lana: Out, damned spot, out. Lex, we should go tell the police that I killed Jason's Mom.
Lex: You must be new to these types of stories. Since I'm powerful, I make the body disappear.
Lana: Lex, you don't get it. I killed a man.
Lex: No, you don't get it. I don't care.

Clark: I think the dream is a warning. A warning that I should get a bigger allowance.
Pa Kent: Uh-huh. Speaking of non sequiturs, you're graduating tomorrow.
Lois: And I'm leaving tomorrow. I think my damage of Superman continuity is just about done.
Clark: I doubt it.

Lex: Where's the body, dad?
Lionel: You must be new to these types of stories. Since I'm more powerful, I make the body disappear first and then hold it over you as ransom.
Lex: Curse my sudden and unexplained attraction to Lana!

Meteor: Do these scenes make you think of Armageddon?
Observatory: No, they make me wonder how we missed a huge meteor shower heading straight for Earth until after it had passed the moon.
9: 18

Clark: So where do you think Lana is?
Chloe: Who knows?
Graduation Speaker: Clark Kent, get your diploma! Lana Lang, get your diploma! Lana Lang? Lana Lang! Come on, where's Lana?
Army: Attention, everyone! Huge meteors are going to crash down on Smallville again and destroy everyone and everything! Please evacuate calmly in light of this information.
Graduation Speaker: Hey, I'm not going anywhere until Lana comes and gets her diploma. Lana Lang? Lana Lang!

Clark: Chloe, I've got to find Lana and saaaaaave her from the meteors.
Chloe: Well, your powers will be a real help in doing that.
Clark: Yep. I mean, um, what powers?

Clark: You're packing? A giant meteor is going to crash down and hit Smallville in, uh --
2: 21
Clark: -- 2 hours and 21 minutes, and you're packing up the car with every possible possession ever? Shouldn't you be leaving now?
Pa Kent: You're just hurrying us because you blame yourself for this meteor shower, aren't you?
Clark: ...Yes.

Lex: Guess what I found out? There's a hidden room in the caves.
Clark: Really? Huh. Know what I found out? A meteor shower is coming right for us.
Lex: Yes, well, I think we know which of those two is the more important.
Clark: Right. Now, let's get out of here.

Clark: Hey, father. What's up with the plot for this season?
Jor-El: Would you rather see a freaky light show encompass you?
Clark: No.
Jor-El: Oh. Well, you need to get all of the stones together so they can form Voltron, who will be able to stop the meteorites.
Clark: You do realize I have only --
0: 45
Clark: -- 45 minutes to do this in.
Jor-El: Less excluding commercials.
Clark: I hate you.

Ma Kent: 45 minutes and we still haven't finished packing up the truck? We are so screwed.
Pa Kent: Nah, we'll be fine since Clark will just catch all the meteors that might be about to hit us.
Clark: I'm staying behind.
Pa Kent: We're screwed.
Clark: Jor-El told me I need to find the other two stones in the next 45 minutes to stop the meteor shower.
Pa Kent: Clark, you don't even know where they are and they don't seem to call to you anymore, so are you expecting people just to hand them to you?

Lana: Here, Clark. I want you to have this stone.
Clark: Well, that was easy. What do I have to do in exchange for it?
Lana: Nothing. I'm leaving now. Bye.
Clark: Nothing? Sweet! ...Now probably isn't the time to do one of my touchdown dances, is it?

Lana: (on phone) So, Chloe, I'm in Lex's --
Lex: No phone calls, Lana. They're bad for you. So is the stone, so hand it over.
Lana: Er, I'd like to keep it for now.
Lex: Curses! I mean, uh -- it's your decision.

Jason: See! I knew I wasn't dead.
Pa Kent: You're about to be since the meteors will be touching down in --
0: 14
Pa Kent: Actually, I think we're all screwed.

Lois: Fourteen minutes and we're going toward Smallville? Why am I still in the car with you?
Chloe: Good question -- go distract the guard so I can find and rescue Lana. She said she was in a Lexus.
Lois: Um, hey, soldier. My dad's an important general. That's gotta mean something, right?
Soldier: Apparently.

Lionel: So where's the stone?
Lex: What would you say if, instead of giving you the stone, I tell you where you can stick the one you already have?
Lionel: What stone?
Stone: GLOW!
Lionel: ARGH!
Lex: That stone.

Stone: Here, Clarky, Clarky, Clarky!
Clark: They're calling for me again! YAY! How convenient!
Mask: You also found my glowy, kryptonite eyes!
Clark: I don't get why they glow.
Mask: Just shaddup and die.
0: 05

Lex: So give me the stone.
Lana: I don't have it.
Lex: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I mean -- that's okay. Just get on the chopper and to safety.
Lana: You must be new to these types of stories. I'm Lana. I'm always put in danger.

Chloe: Gasp! Clark, how extremely convenient that I, who know your secret, should find you dying to the effects of kryptonite.
Clark: Are you actually going to help me out?
Chloe: Oh yeah.

Lex: Chloe? What are you doing in here?
Chloe: I just came to saaaaaaaave Clana. Er, Lanark. Er, Lana. Yes.
Lex: And where's the stone?
Chloe: Uh, gathering moss? I mean, um -- what stone?

Jason: Where are the stones?
Pa Kent: I gave them to your mom last night.
Jason: Don't mess with me! I've suddenly become homicidal and irrational!
Pa Kent: Fair enough. We can all fight then.
Meteorite: And me, too!

Tanker: BOOM!
School: BOOM!
Smallville: BOOM!
Cars: BOOM!
Boy: Somebody saaaaaaaave me!
Clark: Whooosh!
Meteor: BOOM!

Lana: Uh, why does flying not sound like a good idea in a meteor shower?
Pilot: Because it's not. By the way, do you remember that scene from Superman where Lois gets buried in her car?
Lana: Yes, why?
Chopper: BOOM!
Pilot: No reason.

Clark: Ha! Got all three elements together! Earth, air, and water!
Silver Shield: By your powers combined, I am Captain Silver Shield!
Clark: Go Silver Shield!

Chloe: So what do these caves have to do with anything?
Lex: Are you not part of this subplot? Time to change that.
Chloe: Hey, look, that cave wall opened and a bright light is coming out of it.
Verizon Guy: Can you hear me now? ...Good.
Chloe: And that's my cue to knock over Lex and see what's going on.

Lionel's Eye: Oh no! I'm being taken over by Kryptonian Matrix! Quick, take the yellow pill!

Clark: Okay, I grabbed the stone. Now what?
(POOF!)
Clark: ...I get transported to the Arctic. I see. It makes perfect sense.

Lois: I didn't die! Now let me survey the awful destruction of Smallville.
Lana: I didn't die! Now let me survey the strange ship that landed in Smallville.
Clark: I didn't die! Not that I was worried I would. Anyway, I think I'll throw this shield.
(Clark throws the shield at Ludicrous Speed and this mundane action is somehow a cliffhanger)

TO BE CONTINUED....

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

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