Five-Minute "Lexmas"
by Derek Dean
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Lex: OW! Hey! What about no one gets hurt?
Hoodlum: I meant no one I care about gets hurt.
(BANG BANG BANG!)
Lex: Huh? What? Where am I? How come I'm waking up in bed next to Lana?
Future Lana: Hey, sweetie.
Lex: Lana's pregnant? Aw, yeah! Who's your daddy?
Alex: You are!
Lex: I wasn't asking you, kid. ...Wait, what?
Lex: Either I'm having a dream, or I'm dead.
Lex's Mom: Hi, son.
Lex: Dead it is.
Lex's Mom: No, no, this is real. In the future, dead people manifest themselves all the time. Really.
Lex: Uh-huh. Suuuuure they do.
Lex's Mom: The point is I'm showing you your wonderfully ideal future life as the family man. All this can be yours, if... the price is right.
Future Lana: Now go find a Christmas tree you like with Alex. And don't spend too much since we're on a budget.
Lex: We're on a budget? What about my large Luthor resources?
Future Lana: You changed our last name to Cratchit.
Lex: Still, you think my dad still would've helped me out.
Future Lana: He changed his last name to Scrooge.
Lex: Hey, Clark and Chloe! Fancy meeting you at a Christmas tree lot.
Future Clark: Thanks, Lex. I'm doing great with my job at the Daily Planet, by the way.
Lex: Okay, wait, I'm confused about something.
Future Clark: You want to know if Chloe and I are a couple?
Future Chloe: You want to know if Lois Lane is working at the Daily Planet too?
Lex: No, I want to know why you aren't wearing glasses yet, but those are good ones too.
Doctor: I'm afraid your son will live, but be paralyzed.
Lionel: No! Better dead and walking than living and paralyzed!
Doctor: So you want me to make him a zombie?
Chloe: So there are all these presents that need to be delivered tonight. In people's homes. Without them being awake to receive you.
Clark: How am I supposed to get in said houses then? Climb down their chimneys?
Chloe: Who do you think you are? Santa Claus?
Clark: Excuse me, Santa. I happened to notice your drunken stagger on the roof of this building overlooking 34th Street.
Santa: It's all because of how depressed I am that no one cares about the true meaning of Christmas any more. You know, "Peace on Earth," A Charlie Brown Christmas, and figgy pudding.
Clark: Sniff. You're right, Santa. I've been so caught up in delivering presents to underprivileged kids that I don't even know what figgy pudding is!
Future Lana: Lex, the tree --
Lex: I know what you're going to say, but I need this tree for me. Ever since my dad stopped celebrating Christmas, I swore to myself that one day I would get the biggest, bestest tree and I was going to take care of it and treat it like it was my own son.
Future Lana: Lex, the tree fell off the car three miles away. I've received calls from a number of drivers who crashed into it.
Lex: Oh.
Future Lana: And where's our son?
Santa: So you're delivering presents to deserving kids? That's nice. Maybe there is still hope in the world... maybe it isn't all just about "getting" but instead "giving"... maybe there's still time to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas!
Clark: Maybe you should watch where you're stepping.
Santa: Huh? AAAAAAH! Somebody SAAAAAAAVE me! (And metaphorically Christmas!)
Clark: I've got you, Santa! But I don't do metaphors.
Future Senator Pa Kent: Hey Lex, check out your Kansas Humanitarian of the Year award! Three cheers, everybody! HIP HIP!
Future Everyone: HOORAY!
Lex: Sniff. Wow, it's a wonderful life.
Lex's Mom: And it can be yours if....
Lex: Hey, Bob Barker, butt out.
Future Clark: Lex? Who are you talking to?
Lex: Oh, just the Ghost Mom of Christmas Future.
Future Clark: I see you still have those pesky bouts of insanity.
Future Doctor: Congrats! It's a baby girl!
Lex: Oh, Lana! I'm so happy! Today has been so perfect that nothing could keep me from choosing this life.
Future Lana: Ack!
Future Doctor: She's hemorrhaging.
Lex: Well, almost nothing.
Lex: Dad! You've got to save Lana! She's dying!
Future Lionel: Do you see how I'm sitting in this darkened room in the dead of night? Do you think I'm doing this for my health? Well, okay, I am, because direct sunlight will kill me now, but also it's symbolic.
Lex: Oh come on, Dad. Have a heart! Don't you know the true meaning of Christmas?
Future Lionel: Yes, and I have plenty of figgy pudding, thank you.
Lana: Lex, I'm dying.
Lex: No, you can't die! If only there were some way to go back in time and prepare for this event to happen so I could saaaave Lana.
Lex's Mom: Are you ready to go back now?
Lex: Just a sec. I'm trying to figure out if time travel's possible.
Santa: Ho ho ho! I hear you need some help delivering the presents.
Chloe: Um, sure. Thanks, Santa.
(POOF!)
Chloe: Wow, he delivered all those presents instantaneously! He must be a meteor-rock freak!
Lionel: Son, are you okay? I really care about you.
Lex: No, you don't. You only want a healthy son. I hate you, and I'm turning my back on you!
Griff: Does that mean you've gone good? Should I not do my smear campaign?
Lex: No, do that too. I want to have both lives.
(Lex tries to straddle the fence at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2005, Derek Dean.