by Derek Dean
uncan: At least they're well-written.
Oliver: Hey, dweebs, I just came over to torment you like the dweebs you are.
Lex: Avada Kedavra!
Oliver: Yeah, Harry Potter wasn't published in 1996, loser. Come on, Crabbe, Goyle, let's leave these losers here.
Lex: But, see, I didn't think we were actually seniors in that flashback, but why else would we be here for a reunion if we weren't?
Lana: Oh stop nitpicking and enjoy the chance to see your friends.
Oliver: He didn't have any friends.
Crabbe: Except for the one he kil--
Oliver: SHHH, moron! Don't tell the audience the painfully obvious secret!
Crabbe: Ah, alas poor Duncan. Well not really, because he was a dweeb.
Crabbe: Ha! Missed me!
Crabbe: Ha! Missed me again!
Crabbe: Ha! Missed me -- wait, why am I bleeding from the chest?
Lionel: So I'm sorry about your friend.
Lex: Well, I'm not. I hated him.
Lionel: Lex, your emotions are too close to the top. You really need to repress them.
Lex: Isn't repressing a bad thing?
Lionel: Not until it causes you to go mad and kill everyone.
Lex: I hate my father and everything he stands for!
Duncan: That's not a very heroic attitude. We should do noble and honorable things for the less fortunate.
Lex: My dad will hate it... Let's do it!
Duncan: I'm glad to see your altruism guide your decision.
Chloe: Hi, Clark! I'm just here to set up some recurring villains and pick out a name for them: Zoners.
Clark: Um, thanks?
Goyle: Sniff. Alas, poor Crabbe. He was like a brother to me. Mainly because we did everything together and don't actually have distinct personalities.
Oliver: Yep. Sucks to be you.
Goyle: Anyway, I'm going to go back to Gotham, and just for the record, my name isn't Bruce Wayne.
Goyle's Car: BOOM!
Oliver: Clark, I need you to figure out what's going on here.
Clark: Um, we're meeting in your offices?
Oliver: No, I mean with my friends dying.
Clark: Couldn't you be doing that? You're a superhero too.
Oliver: Could, but I'd rather play with my cool new EMP arrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I'm due for another flashback.
Duncan: We should turn in Oliver and company for stealing the answers to the test.
Lex: No! We should blackmail them for friendship. Especially since I already did it.
Duncan: You did it already? I'm hurt and betrayed and mildly unhinged.
Lex: Yeah, well, I'm extremely unhinged and I'm going to beat you to a pulp now!
(BIFF! BAM! POW!)
Oliver: Goyle, cut out the sound effects.
Lana: Aw, did you have a bad dream? Maybe I can sing you a song to make you feel better. (Ahem) "It's a small world aft--"
Lex: Behold! She is singing to bring down the chandelier!
Lex: Lana's going to be okay. Like always.
Clark: That's good. It's good she's got her old room back too.
Lex: Yeah, #3. It's her favorite.
Clark: So Lex is getting attacked too, and it all seems to revolve around some kid named Duncan. What's going on, Oliver?
Oliver: Okay, okay. Let's bend over this Pensieve together.
Clark: That's your sink.
Oliver: Just do it.
Oliver: Geez, get off him! Why are you doing that to your friend?
Lex: Because I need to set myself up as the villain despite being in the stereotypical, sympathetic, "outcast at school" role.
Duncan: Well, all of you suck! Lex sucks! Oliver sucks! Those two guys who flank Oliver suck! That oncoming car sucks! That -- wait a sec.
Oliver: After that, Lionel tried to save him, but it cost a bit more than six million dollars, so he couldn't. And now I feel all guilty about Duncan's death, and it's really nice to have someone to talk to. Clark? ...Clark? ...Jerk.
Clark: So Lionel. Tell me about Duncan. Someone's been avenging themselves on Duncan's behalf. Is it a family member? Is it a friend? Or is it Duncan himself?
Lionel: Duncan's dead.
Clark: That's never stopped anyone before.
Lionel: Okay, okay, maybe we've been giving him kryptonite injections. But only because everything on the show uses kryptonite.
Lex: So I figure we should be in the same place at the same time so when we get attacked, we die together.
Oliver: Aw, that's kind of... bizarre actually.
Lex: Actually, I just want to beat you to a pulp.
(PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!)
Oliver: Just as a disclaimer, any similarities between the way I fight and the way the Green Arrow fights are purely coincidental.
Glass Door: RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE!
Lex: AAH! What's happening? The door is rumbling in exactly the same way it did at my mansion, but I'm not able to figure out what's going to happen!
Oliver: Saved Lex. Still conscious. Talk about some outrageous good luck.
Oliver: GAH! Now I've suffered the arrows of my outrageous fortune!
Lois: Look, Clark. Here's the evidence that Duncan's had meteor rock injections. And he just had one so he's probably killing Oliver and Lex right --
Lois: -- now.
EMP Arrow: WHI--
EMP Arrows: --ZZZZZZZZ!
EMP Pulse: BOOM!
Clark: So after all the guilt that Lex and Oliver felt over Duncan's death, I'm the one who killed him. And I don't even feel a little guilty.
Lex: Thanks for saving me.
Oliver: No problem, loser. And I'm sorry for calling you a loser. And a dweeb. Loser.
Lex: So why didn't you tell me about Duncan!
Lionel: Look, I have to reestablish my evil cred somehow!
Lex: After the sympathy I got during my flashbacks, me too. So get me all the research you did on Duncan.
Chloe: So here are the satellite photos. Check out this one.
Clark: Gasp! It's Raya! ...Or possibly a llama.
(Clark sets up next week's episode at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: Arrow
Next fiver: Fallout
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.
___ Five-Minute Smallville
___ ___ Season 6
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Reunion"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.