Five-Minute "Sacred"
by Derek Dean
a Kent: What's inside?
Clark: Another Kryptonian octagon.
Pa Kent: It must be destroyed!
Jor-El: Ah, so you've found this octagon. Good job. Now I'm going to send you on a lengthy quest.
Clark: Question: The first octagon was part of the ship, but how do we account for this one, since I assume it wasn't part of the ship?
Jor-El: Of all the inconsistencies in this show, why are you singling out this one?
Jason: (over the phone) Hello, Lana. I'm just calling to say that I'm definitely not in China.
Lana: I hadn't suspected you were.
Jason: Good.
Lana: Though now I do.
Jason: Whoops.
Lex: (over the phone) Hello, Jason. I'm just calling to say that I'm definitely not right behind you.
Jason: I hadn't suspected you were.
Lex: Good, then you'll assume anyone could've put the "Kick Me" sign on your back.
Lionel: Hello, Lana. Did you know that Isabella still possesses you and that Jason is her arch-rival and that they're going after this map and that they're looking for one of three stones?
Lana: What was all that about? I thought you were supposed to be good.
Lionel: Oh, I'm real good.
Lana: I'm going to China to find Lex, Jason, and the stone.
Clark: Then I'm coming with you. But won't two teenage Americans really stick out in China?
Lana: Well, you will.
Lex: Crap, the Chinese police.
Jason: So? We're not doing anything conspicuous. I'm sure they aren't looking for us.
Lex: You're new at this, aren't you? This is Totalitarian Cliche #3.
Lana: Ever since being possessed by Isabella I've felt like I'm a different person with two identities; one a mild-mannered reporter, and the other a superhero.
Clark: Hm.
Lana: Clark? Hello? I'm trying to engage you in conversation and you're just standing there with this look on your face like what I just said is somehow specially relevant to you.
Clark: Huh? Oh, no, it's not that. I just get bored being around you.
Lex: Jason, you must know where the stone is. Please tell me before the guards come and torture me.
Jason: How does that make sense? If I tell you, then when they torture you, you might tell them.
Lex: Er, right. Should've thought that one through.
Liaison: Welcome to China. Have you the map?
Clark: Right here. Do you have a name?
Liaison: No, and that bothers me since it means I'm probably going to be dead soon.
Clark: Well, at least it isn't Evil Mwahaha-Liaison Villain. In fact, I haven't seen any Mwahaha villains yet, which is surprising.
Guard: Okay, we're finished torturing Lex. Time for Jason.
Lex: NOOOOO!
Guard: He's gone. You can stop pretending.
Lex: Phew.
Guard: And I can stop pretending we were finished torturing you.
Lex: Crap.
Liaison: And here's the temple.
Clark: What's behind that big door right there?
Liaison: That's not a door -- it's a space station.
Clark: Uh-huh. Why don't you two go on while I inspect the, uh, space station for myself.
Clark: Ha! It is a door! And look, there's the map right below some green glowing eyes.
Green Glowing Eyes: That's because we're made of kryptonite.
Clark: I'm getting sick of all this kryptonite stuff.
Green Glowing Eyes: No, no, you're getting sick from all this kryptonite stuff. Get it right.
Clark: I think I had it right the first time.
Chinese Police/Army/Whatever: Halt! You're under arrest.
(RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!)
Lana: I don't suppose it occurred to you to actually give us a chance to obey your orders before shooting, did it?
Chinese Police/Army/Whatever: That would violate Totalitarian Cliche #6.
(RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!)
Liaison: What a shock! I've been shot. Sure didn't see that coming. GAK!
Lex: ARRRRRGH! Torture sucks.
Jason: ARRRRRRGH! Torture sucks.
Guard: Yep, it sure does. And since misery loves company, we're going to torture Lana here also.
Lana: ARRRRRRGH! Torture --
Lana/Isabella: Rocks!
(Isabella promptly frees herself)
Lex: It bothers me that this is one of the show's more plausible deus ex machinas.
Clark: Check out what I found behind this door.
Lex: That's a door? I could've sworn it was a space station!
Jason: Hey, according to this, the map isn't a map of roads and locations. It's of a tree!
Lex: Well, that is where paper normally comes from.
Isabella: Arisea y veni stompya. Arise, sacred stone.
Stoned Horse: Nay, I'm just a stoned horse.
Isabella: You try to thwart me, but I'll break you.
(CRACK!)
Isabella: Oh look. The stone. I'll just take that.
Clark: Give me the stone.
Isabella: Geez. Is stealing stones how you get your rocks off?
Clark: Well, yeah actually. How else could I do it?
Isabella: How about an elaborate fight scene?
Clark: That could work.
Clark: RUN!
Isabella: PUNCH!
Clark: DIVE!
Isabella's Sword: THRUST!
Clark's Sword: PARRY! (White!)
Vorpal Blade: SNICKER-SNACK!
Isabella's Pocket: RIP!
Stone: I'm FREEEEE!
Lana: Huh? What happened?
Clark: That's what I'd like to know. There was no reason for Isabella to retreat back inside Lana.
Jason: It's okay now. I'm here and the stone isn't.
Clark, Lex, Lana, and Isabella: Crap.
Lana: Well, Clark, now that we're back in Smallville, I've --
Clark: Can we just skip this scene?
Lana: Okay.
Lex: E-L-E-M-E-N-T-S.
Lionel: You're pathetic. Not only do you not have a secure password, not only do you have to print it out on the screen so you can make sure it's right, but you also have to spell it out loud like some third-grader.
Lex: Grrr. Well, at least it's good that you're evil again. Only someone evil would say something that mean.
Lionel: But Lex, I only said it for your own good.
Lex: ARRRGH!
Lana: I can't believe you lied to me earlier.
Jason: I'm sorry. If I give you this stone, will you forgive me?
Lana: That's an engagement ring.
Jason: Whoops, sorry. Wrong pocket. I meant this stone. I wanted to give it to you to show I love you.
Lana: Oh, Jason! I don't know what to say!
Clark: So I wonder why, if these stones are for me, they're protected by kryptonite.
Pa Kent: Well, since you're wondering it aloud on screen, I think there's a good chance we'll find out.
Clark: Hm. I need to remember to mention more inconsistencies and unanswered questions on screen.
Ma Kent: So where's the third stone?
Clark: Hey, that's a good one. I wonder if I'll ever find the woman Swann gave the third stone to.
(Clark goes and looks at the first stone introspectively at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.