Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "1969" by Nan [SG-1 prepares to go on a mission.] O'Neill: 'Kay, where the heck is Sam? Daniel: Doing stuff. O'Neill: What stuff? Daniel: Well... I dunno. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: Okay, okay! Gimme a sec, I'll be done in a minute! There, see! I told you. Tech: Uh, you can check your mail when you come back. Carter: Ah, zip it. Hey, General. Hammond: Hmmmm. How's the Plot-Forwarding Nasty Injury, Major? Carter: Still nasty and plot-forwarding. Hammond: Hmmmm. Carter: Er, anything up, General? Hammond: No, nothing, nothing at all, zip, zilch, nil, zerochka. Take this note. Carter: "Don't open till 1969"? O'Neill: Let's go, already! Carter: Yeah, yeah. [SG-1 enters the wormhole, and exits in a smeggin' missile silo. The gate disappears.] Carter: 'Kay, somethin' hinky is going on... Daniel: Good thing the gate didn't disappear while we were on the ramp, or you know... splat. Carter: Been talking to Nan recently, havencha? O'Neill: Uh... they're gonna test a missile in here. Carter: Bail! [Everyone but Teal'c attempts to bail. Teal'c shoots the engines.] Carter: Or not. Surly Guy: Freeze! O'Neill: Why? Carter: Uh, I recommend zipping it, sir. [The Surly Guy whacks O’Neill with the butt of his rifle.] Carter: Just a thought. [In the stockade. Or billet. One of those.] Carter: 'Kay, Sam Carter Genius Moment. Daniel: S.C.G.M.? What? Did I hear S.C.G.M.? Teal'c: Yo. Carter: Gimme a minute, I'm channelling... Carter: The wormhole bent back toward the earth. Since a wormhole is a goof in the space-time continuum, it also goofed time as it goofed space. So... we're here. O'Neill: Hmm. 'Kay. Carter: So zip it or you'll alter the timeline and bad things could happen. O'Neill: No problem. Carter: Then, we'll escape and live out the rest of our lives in obscurity. O'Neill: Anyone else hear word processors? Daniel: Oh god... Rabidly Anti-Communist Guy: [In Russian: You Soviet spies?] Daniel: [In Russian: Pshyeah, whatever! Us, "Soviet spies"! Look pal, just 'cause we appeared in a top-secret underground facility and one of us is speaking Russian, doesn't mean we're...] Aw, smeg. Rabidly Anti-Communist Guy: This way please, spy boy. Thornbird A.K.A. Zippy the Inquisitor: Speak! O'Neill: Snide remark equalling "No!" Zippy the Inquisitor: You suck. O'Neill: You suck more. Zippy the Inquisitor: Smeg this. Put them on a truck and send them to Groom Lake! Young Hammond: Hey, Beauford, check out this neat-o stuff that I've been ordered to forget about! Sergeant: Cool! Waitaminnit! "Beauford"? You know we nameless extras are safest when we remain unnamed. Young Hammond: Oops. Hey, a note! "George - help them. And get some milk." [On the truck.] Daniel: Anyone for round of "Waltzing Matilda"? Once a jolly swagman camped beside a billabong... Carter: Under the shade of a coolabah tree... Teal'c: And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his billy boiled... O'Neill: I'm in hell. Carter: Nyer! O'Neill: Nyer, yourself! Daniel: See see see! Teal'c, you owe me five bucks. Teal'c: Nyer. [The rigged tire blows.] Young Hammond: Hey, I'll guard the prisoners. Other Guys: 'Kay. Young Hammond: Nothing suspicious about me! Other Guys: Uh, 'kay... Young Hammond: Not one thing! Other Guys: Er, are you on something? Young Hammond: Hey, I'm gonna get you out now. O'Neill: Er, why? Carter: Whoa, S.C.G.M.! You're Young Hammond! General Hammond is sending us a message from the future! It involves that note! Young Hammond: This note? Carter: That note! Young Hammond: I do what strange notes in my own handwriting tell me too. Lemme uncuff y'all. Carter: Ow! Young Hammond: Oh, sorry. I hit your Plot-Forwarding Nasty Injury! Carter: Meh. Gimme the note, I have to divine a way to save us. Young Hammond: 'Kay. Um, here's your ray gun. [SG-1 escapes.] O'Neill: Where's our stuff? Hammond: In the other truck. [SG-1 ambushes the other truck.] Carter: 'Kay, we gotta wreck this stuff to avoid contaminating the timeline. O'Neill: Hey, I know, I'll shoot it. [After vaporising the stuff...] O'Neill: We need money. Young Hammond: I got money. O'Neill: Gimme. I'll, er, pay you back with interest. Young Hammond: 'Kay. O'Neill: This is so you don't get court-martialed. [ZAP!] O'Neill: 'Kay, off we go. Daniel: So... Now what? O'Neill: We find the gate. And the interstate. Daniel: And...? O'Neill: I dunno. Carter, divine a way to save us using this... really... cryptic... note... Carter: Um... heh heh? O'Neill: Carter! Carter: Yes, sir? O'Neill: Strike a pose and stop traffic. Carter: How about I just flag down a car?* Everyone: *groan* Daniel: Let's go to New York and bug Catherine. Carter: Um, time-thingy. Daniel: I can fake being a foreigner. O'Neill: 'Kay. [After a bunch of cars pass.] Teal'c: This ain't working. O'Neill: You're right. Carter: show a little leg! [Carter raspberries him. Teal'c stands in front of a really great oncoming Hippie bus.] Michael, the Hippie Dude: Hey, strangely-dressed dudes! Daniel: Hello, dude. We seek transportation in your groovy vehicle, man. Carter: "Anthropology" only goes so far, Danny-boy. Daniel: So, where are you headed? Michael: Woodstock. Daniel: You owe me five bucks, Jacky-O. O'Neill: Er, I'll pay you back. With interest. Daniel: You really should stop saying that. [Carter, Daniel, and O'Neill chat up the Hippie chick.] Jenny, the Hippie Chick: Nice hair. Carter: Er, thanks. Daniel: Jack, you now owe me ten bucks. O'Neill: Damn. [We hear '60s-era music as the little red line travels on the little black road-line on the superimposed map. They stop to buy Hippie clothes.] O'Neill: Woohoo! Hippie clothes! Daniel: What it is with you and those hats? Whoa. Carter in a skirt. Weird. Carter: Nyer! [More red-line stuff. Grocery-buying in Chicago.] [More red-line stuff. They camp in Philadelphia. Carter divines a way to get them home by the age-old method of staring aimlessly into a fire, waiting for an epiphany.] Carter: S.C.G.M.: a solar flare goofed our wormhole and sent us back in time! O'Neill: I think it's time for the Exposition Bit. Carter: Henh? Oh. Well, (get comfy) after the Abydos mission (when we couldn't figure out how to make the gate work) I was put to work finding alternate uses for the gate (like time travel). O'Neill: And? Carter: The E.M. field (of the flare) could make the wormhole go wiggy-close to the sun, slingshot (like in Star Trek IV) and send us back in time. Daniel: Er, obvious question. Why didn't you try this before? Carter: Because... you can't calculate solar flares. Not until, oh, twelve years from now in an alternate timeline. But we don't know anything about that, so... Daniel: Another obvious question. Carter: Yo? Daniel: Shouldn't that have been TECHed? Nan: Nyer. Carter: Anyway, the exact dates are on the note. Jenny: Okay, we overheard all that. Michael: Um, what's it mean? O'Neill: Uh, we're, uh... aliens. Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away. [Pre-fivered!] Daniel: Please get us to New York? Michael: Er, I dunno... [O'Neill Zat blasts the fire to get it going again.] Michael: New York, ho! [More music. They get a paper. Red line to New York.] [They stop at an observatory.] Carter: Don't burn your eyes out! I don't want a command quite that badly. O'Neill: Yeah, yeah. Teal'c: Don't pass out, man. O'Neill: Spent a lot of time with Michael lately, havencha? Teal'c: Indeed. [In New York...] Daniel: [in German accent] Hello, Miss Langford. Young Catharine: And you are? Daniel: [in German accent] Uh... the, er... son of... er, an old... colleague? Young Catharine: Hmmmm, 'kay. Who's the chick? Daniel: [in German accent] My... er... mysterious companion. Yeah, that's it. Where's the gate? Young Catharine: Washington. D.C. An armoury somewhere. Daniel: Cool, thanks. C'mon, Carter. Young Catharine: Hey, waitaminnit... [At the observatory.] O'Neill: Annnnnnnnnnd... Teal'c: It'll be a few more minutes yet. Hypothetical question: if we fail, then what? O'Neill: We stay here, I guess. And I'll kill the guy who invents the word processor. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: Annnnnnd, bingo. Woohoo! We can hold off the shippers for weeks yet! Woohoo! [Carter, Daniel, Michael and Jenny pick them up.] O'Neill: Carter was right. Where do we go? Daniel: D.C. Michael: 'Kay. [In D.C.] Carter: Almost there. O'Neill: Cool. Jenny, Michael, you guys-- Daniel: --rock. What? I'm the anthropologist. O'Neill: Anyway, we gotta ditch you now. Jenny: Take us with. Michael: I got drafted. Being drafted sucks. O'Neill: That sucks. Carter: Um... we can't help. Jenny + Michael: That sucks. SG-1: Yeah. [Everyone says goodbye. Sniff.] Everyone: Goodybe. *sniff* [In the armoury, O'Neill zaps the guards. The menfolk climb up the big stargate box while Carter hides behind another box.] Carter: 'Kay, now we McGyver a charge from the various vehicles around here and activate the gate. [They McGyver a charge from the various vehicles there and activate the gate. And nearly get shot.] Carter: Er, not to nitpick, but it's too early. O'Neill: Tough! [ZAP ZAP!] [On the other side, it's the gate room, but all dark and stuff with sheets put over everything, like they're painting the place or something.] Old Cassandra: Hey, all. Daniel, you have hair! Daniel: What...? Old Cassandra: Wuv you. Now off ya go. Cryptic comment about your journey just beginning. Daniel: Well, yeah, we have at least another 3 seasons. [They arrive home, where Hammond is waiting for them.] Hammond: Hey, all. I knew all along. Carter: Makes sense. O'Neill: Is it time for the Exposition Bit? Hammond: Feh, we've got 11 seconds left. Let's do it offscreen. Everyone: Cool. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get sucked back in time. And lose money. Stargate Rule of Thumb: don't bet in the past.