Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "1969"

by Hejira

Jack: What's Carter doing?
Daniel: She's calculating...she's compensating... solar... woman's stuff.
Jack: No it's not. Solar flares, right?
Daniel: I didn't hear her over the keyboard.

George: What the hell happened to your hand?
Sam: Not telling.
George: What - again?
Sam: Huh?
George: Just take this note.
Sam: Okay. "From George Hammond to George Hammond." Doesn't seem that strange.

Jack: Let's get going, campers!

Jack: Did we just go from Earth to Earth?
Sam: Yup.
Daniel: Did the Stargate just disappear?
Sam: Yup.
Jack: Are we about to be burned alive by a missile?
Teal'c: Hell no.
Jack: Teal'c, I love -
Sam: Be careful about what you say, sir, lest the slashers get ideas.
Jack: - the idea of not being burned alive.

Soldier: What the hell are you doing here?
Daniel: Oh dear.
Soldier: Let's go into a holding cell, shall we?
Jack: If we have to.
Soldier: We have to.
Jack: And 'we' as in...?
Soldier: You.
Jack: Ah.

Sam: We've gone back in time.
Jack: Freaky.
Sam: We could change the past.
Teal'c: Neato.
Sam: We shouldn't.
Daniel: Bravo.
Sam: What can I say - I'm a people-pleaser.

Soldier: Oi - are you Russian spies?
Daniel: Nyet.
Jack: You said that in the original version of this episode.
Hejira: Oh shut up - Da and Nyet is the only Russian I know.

The Whole Group Of Stargate Fivists: *gasp* *thud*
Hejira: What? It's not my first time putting myself into a fiver.
Nan: It's the first time you've done it with Stargate.
Pip: It's the first time we've seen it.
Hejira: See, this is why reading Fifth Voyager is a good idea. I only fived one of their episodes, but since the writers would put themselves into the story, I didn't see why I shouldn't go into the fiver.
Nan: So why did you do it now with Stargate?
Hejira: Well, what I said would sound silly coming out of Daniel now, wouldn't it?
Pip: You could have made Jonas say it.
Hejira: It still would have sounded silly.
Pip: But it would have been Jonas saying it! Jonas!
Hejira: Can we please get back to our regularly scheduled insanity?
Nan: What schedule?

Robert (the interrogating guy): Who are you? I heard one of your comrades call you Jack.
Jack: It's short for Jonathon. Captain Jonathon Archer, nice to meet you.
Robert: We shouldn't be able to have you say that.
This episode was filmed before Enterprise was created! Jack: You know, T'Pol dyed her hair and got out of her catsuit. Such a shame.
Robert: But this is wrong! Wrong!
Jack: Who should I be - Kathryn Janeway?
Robert: I'm scared! Send the prisoners off somewhere else!

George: *sigh*

Daniel: We have to get free.
Sam: Can't talk; playing Tetris.
Jack: In your head?
Sam: Yup - damn, I dropped the square too soon.

Tyre: I'm tire-d. Hee hee! BANG!

Young George: Who are you guys?
Jack: Your future subordinates.
Young George: Sweet!
Daniel: Uh... future subordinates.
Young George: Aww nuts.

Young George: I'm helping you because of the note.
Sam: "From George Hammond to George Hammond?"
Young George: No. The $100 note.
Jack: Whatever works. But we'll need it anyway.
Young George: Pay me back?
Jack: I swear.

Sam: Hey, mind my hand!
Young George: What the hell happened to your hand?
Sam: What - again? Not telling!

Young George: Wolf! Wolf!
Guards: Argh - the Zat hurts!
Jack: I reckon. Cool - the truck with our gear. I'm going to vaporise all of it.
Young George: That was so cool!
Jack: Okay, now...
Young George: Argh - the Zat hurts!
Sam: It's fun sending him to the land of slumber, isn't it?
Jack: Boo yeah.

Daniel: How did we get onto an alien planet?
Teal'c: We are not on an alien planet.
Daniel: Coulda fooled me.

Sam: The note has two times: Later and more later.
Jack: Handy.

Sam: Why do I have to stick my thumb out?
Jack: Because it's mostly guys who drive, and... well...
Sam: Shake my booty, got it.

Daniel: Let's go to Catherine's House so we can find the Stargate.
Sam: Sounds good to me.

Teal'c: Hoi - stop the bus!
Michael: Done. Get in.

Jack: We need *ahem* modern clothes.

Sam: We've got *ahem* modern clothes.

Daniel: Why did you get the good clothes?
Jack: Because they look good on me. Leather isn't exactly for geeks.
Daniel: You what?
Sam: Daniel, just wait for "Upgrades" and out-leather him.
Daniel: That's years away. Far more than usual, in fact.

Sam: Solar flares!
Jack: There had to be a reason they were mentioned.
Michael: You're aliens, aren't you?
Daniel: By definition, yes.
Michael: Okay, we'll help you.

Jack: Gee, the sun's bright.
Teal'c: Well, duh.

Daniel: Where's the gate?
Catherine: Washington D.C.
Daniel: Thanks.

Jack: We have a time for our departure.
Sam: We have a place for our departure.
Jack: Why did you put a gag on Daniel?
Sam: He wouldn't let me talk while we were with Catherine. Besides, driving's got me on a power kick.
Michael: We want to go with you.
Jack: No.
Michael: Okay then.
Teal'c: Why has your girlfriend not said anything?
Hejira: Because I didn't catch her name. And again, it would have sounded silly coming out of Michael's mouth.
SG-1: Goodbye!

Jack: Hello, gate!
Sam: Why is it stacked like it should be upright?
Jack: Sake of plot.
Sam: Great. We just need to power the gate and -
Jack: With what?
Teal'c: The cars!
Daniel: Huh?
Jack: Well, Carter usually thinks of stuff like that so a break from the formula would be nice, I'm tired of thinking of stuff like that *shudder*, and the manuals aren't in a foreign language, so Daniel, you're out of the running. That leaves Teal'c to get the lightbulb moment.
Teal'c: Bitchin'.

Guards: Oi - what are you doing to the gate?
Jack: Buggering off through it!
Guards: Nuts.

Old Cassandra: Hiya.
Sam: Cassie!
Jack: Oh.
Old Cassandra: You guys have to go back to the past, which is your present.
Jack: Which will get very confusing if we don't leave now.
Old Cassandra: My sentiments exactly.

George: Welcome back.
Jack: Great to be back. I know why you've been taking money out of my pay now.
George: Uh huh.
Jack: And you can stop it.
George: Nuh uh.
Jack: Nuts.


THE END

Legal notices. You are number ### to wear *ahem* modern clothes.