Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "2001" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp "S/J faces S/J. The battle for Sam T has begun." CARTER: 2001. Now that's a strange title. Wonder if it has anything to do with time tr... O'NEILL: Shut up already and be foreboding. CARTER: OK: THE ASCHEN. HAMMOND: Oooooooo! CARTER: THE ASCHEN. HAMMOND: Ooooooo! O'NEILL: Shut up. This is 2001, not Window of Opportunity. CARTER: Basically, the Aschen want to give us everything we ever wanted. HAMMOND: Aw, sweet! CARTER: What's this? "Our-plan-to-take-over-the-universe-and-rid-the-galaxy-of-human-filth-by-the-Aschen." HAMMOND: Meh, junk. A.J. [Ambassador Joe]: Hi, everybody! ALL: Hi, A.J.! WRITER: Hmmm, we need filler; let's have some sappily romantic gunk. A.J.: Sam, I lov.... O'NEILL: Look! Look! Err... a note from the future. Yes, that will work. CARTER: Technically, it's a note from the past from the future. BORING: Hi, I'm Boring. I'm also really boring. O'NEILL: Good for you. Where's the free food? WELCOME TO FARMWORLD, POPULATION: SERIOUSLY GULLIABLE O'NEILL: This isn't Kansas. CARTER: Yeah, the Aschen don't live in Kansas. You're thinking of Vancouver. O'NEILL: No, you're thinking of the Mighty Ducks. JACKSON: Hey, old farmer type guy. Are the Aschen evil? TEAL'C: Subtle. OLD FARMER TYPE GUY: Yeah, but you gotta fall into a hole before you find out. This way please. JACKSON: Here we are, in a big hole. How did we get down here, anyway? TEAL'C: There are many things in life we cannot explain, Daniel Jackson. Like why there are no Teal'c 'shipper groups. JACKSON: Bwhahaha! I have a 'shipper group... No... wait... Sob.. She's gone. SHE'S GONE. GOOOOOOOOONE. TEAL'C: Get a grip, man. JACKSON: The Aschen are evil! HAMMOND: What makes you say that? JACKSON: Well, apart from this book I found: "Why The Aschen Are Evil," and the note from the future that says, "The Aschen are evil," and the newspaper saying, "The Aschen are evil," it's just a hunch. JACKSON: Apparently, the Aschen tortured the farmers into submission by making them watch "Spirits" over and over again, until their eyes burned. O'NEILL: That's harsh, man. CARTER: What where you trying to tell me before, anyway? A.J.: Sam, I love..... O'Neill: Cheese! Cheese! He loves cheese! I love cheese! We ALL love cheese. Edam, Swiss, Blue, Gloustershire, Wendsleydale, Cheddar, Stilton, Goat's, Brie... A.J.: Ahem... O'Neill: Do I tell YOU how to do your `shipper scenes? A.J.: Actually, this IS my 'shipper scene. Carter: You suck. Aschen: Don't hate us because we're different. Carter: No, we hate you because you want to destroy Earth. Aschen: OK, then. A.J.: Sam, you must go. Save yourself. Carter: Nooooooo. OK. ASCHEN: No! They took our secrets! BORING: And the ruby slippers. ASCHEN: Damn. Here come the winged monkeys, no, wait, that's just General Hammond. Carter: Close.... the.. Iris... Hammond: Why? Carter: The.. Aschen... are planning... to send... some horrible virus... through the... stargate. Hammond: Meh. O'Neill: Where's A.J.? Carter: He.. he's.. still... with... the... Aschen. O'Neill: Calling all minor characters: Close the Stargate NOW! Jackson: Wow. Teal'c went one whole episode without raising his eyebrow or saying "Indeed." Teal'c: (Raising eyebrow) Indeed... Aw, dammit. O'Neill: What a tragedy. How terrible. We will never forget him. Jackson: Forget who? Carter: Meh. Some kind of Daniel love interest I think. Daniel: Well, it's not before time! O'NEILL: So, where did we tell the Aschen to go anyway? CARTER: A place from which they will never return... "The Outer Limits." DANIEL: Didn't you do a guest appearance on that once? CARTER: Shut up or get killed off... JACKSON: What, in 7 or 8 weeks I'm going to be exposed to dangerous radiation and die? I think not. [THE WRITER IS BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE BY SHIPPERS] 'SHIPPER #1: Burn the witch! Die, spawn of evil! Die! 'SHIPPER #2: What do the fiery flames of hell feel like? Do they burn? WRITER: Meh, you get used to it. After "Enigma" and all those spitting cobras, this is easy. [O'NEILL IS HAVING A VIDEO CONFERENCE WITH THE ASCHEN] Aschen: Thank you, O'Neill. I trust the money is all here? It's $500 dollars for your basic abduction. O'Neill: Yeah, yeah, you got the ambassador? Anything to get these `shippers off my back. Aschen: Yes. [CARTER COMES IN] Carter: What's that, sir? O'Neill: Nothing. Ahem. BWAHAHAHA! WRITER: Look guys, who fived this anyway? SHIPPER #1: Some jerk called O'Pipp. WRITER: Take O'Pipp, the one who wronged you... SHIPPER #2: We are coming for you, O'Pipp. You and your little dog too. O'PIPP: Yeah? You and whose army? THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST: That would be me. TOTO: Woof! Bark! GOOD WITCH GLENDA: Ah, skip it everyone. We have to pay $150 for each cameo. LION AND TIGERS AND BEARS: THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to have the wrath of the Curse of Black Widow Spice upon you.