Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "48 Hours"

by Miss Ship

SG-1: Run, run, pant, pant. Big honkin' ship with walking cliche in it! Run!
Teal'c: Heh heh, must perform damn Jaffa revenge thing.
Gun: Kaboom!
Ship: Oh no, don't hurt me, I'm just a big honkin' space ship...uh oh, too late...
[Teal'c runs through gate and gets stuck.]
Teal'c: Indeed.

[Back at the SGC...]
Hammond: Where's Teal'c?
Daniel: Who?
O'Neill: You know, big guy, funky gold thing on his forehead.
Carter: His name's Teal'c!?!
Hammond: Dial it up!We've gotta find Teal'c.
Daniel: Who?
Miss Ship: Haven't we been over this?
Daniel: Meh. It takes up screen time.
O'Neill: Otherwise we'd have to listen to Carter's [TECH].
Carter: Tech tech tech tech... ladidadida.
O'Neill: D'oh!
Hammond: Huh?
Carter: Basically we're screwed, or more accurately Teal'c's screwed if we open the gate.
Hammond: 'Kay.

Hammond: Daniel, you're going to Moscow.
Daniel: Woohoo!
Everyone: Wha!?! Weird!

[Carter's working on computer, O'Neill walks in.]
O'Neill: Sam, I just wanted to say I'm desperately in love with you.
Carter: Huh? Sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
O'Neill: Nuttin'.

Teal'c: Ooo, isn't it fun being stuck in the buffer.
Miss Ship: Aren't you energy right now?
Teal'c: Shaddup.

[Daniel and Major "Cutie Pie" Davis arrive in Moscow.]
Daniel Fans: Daniel in a suit... [swooning all around] cannot handle the hotness!
Major CP: Hey, what about me?
Fans: Oooo, Major Cutie Pie in uniform [more swooning].
Daniel: Excuse me, I thought these were Daniel fans!
Russian Guy: I feel left out, what about me?
Fans: [silence]
Russian Guy: OK, whatever. Nope, we don't feel like helping you guys.
Fans: But the suit!

[Jack sleeps in the commissary.]
Hammond: I know you're worried about Teal'c.
O'Neill: Who's Teal'c?
Hammond: Go home.
O'Neill: Yasureyabetcha.

[Hammond, McKay, and Sam talk.]
McKay: You suck!
Carter: No way! You suck!
Simmons: He's right, you suck!
McKay: Nyer.
Carter: Watch it or I'll [TECH] you.
McKay: You can't play that game with me, I understand you.
Carter: Ahhhhh! My life is over!
Hammond: Simmons, into my office, now!
Simmons: 48 hour deadline, dude.
Hammond: So, that's why this episode's called 48 hours.
Simmons: Duh!

[Major CP and Daniel fight with the Russians.]
Major CP: But we wanna have your help!
Daniel: Pretty please?
Russian Guy: Nope.

[At some gas station...]
Maybourne: Heya, Jack!
O'Neill: NOOOOOO!
[Maybourne and O'Neill run around the car.]
Maybourne: Simmons is bad news.
O'Neill: Like you?
Maybourne: Only uglier.
O'Neill: [shudders]

[McKay comes into Carter's lab.]
McKay: Let's, just for kicks, say that I'm always right and you're wrong, kay?
Carter: OK, Sam, breathe in and breathe out, do not use Level 3 Advanced training on jerk standing in front of you.
Phone: Ring ring, I'm famous, I have a line.
Carter: Actually it's not really a line, it's more a sound.
McKay: She's right you know.
Carter: Hah! You said I was right!
Phone: Will you pick me up?
Carter: Hey, Daniel, please tell me I'm right.
Daniel: Uh... no can do, sorry.
Carter: [seethe]

[Hammond and Simmons chat.]
Simmons: OK, time to blackmail you.
Hammond: 'Kay.
Simmons: I believe the script calls for you to be all moral, and such.
Hammond: Ooops. Sorry. Never, you will never blackmail me!
Simmons: Nice yelling.
Hammond: Thanks, I was practising. Can I use the red phone?
Simmons: No.
Hammond: But I love my red phone.
Simmons: Too bad.

[O'Neill goes to see Maybourne.]
Maybourne: I could kill Simmons' if you want. Heh heh, let me at 'im!
O'Neill: Riiiight. How about we just go and find that Goa'uld, we can kill him next season.
Maybourne: But I get to do it, right?
O'Neill: Uh, no. So where's the Goa'uld at?

[Carter and McKay eat in the commissary.]
McKay: I'm a freak. I can't eat citrus.
Commissary guy: Freak.
[McKay scarfs down food.]
Carter: Ew. Freak.
McKay: Well, at least I'm a smart, Always-Right Freak. Oh, and by the way insult, insult, insult.
Carter: Grrrr.
McKay: Hit on, hit on, hit on.
Carter: EEEEEEWWWWWWW! Go jump off a bridge.
Miss Ship: I believe the line is, "go suck a lemon."
Carter: Good comeback!
Miss Ship: It was in the script.
Carter: I really should start reading that.

[O'Neill and Maybourne shut down all the systems at the safe house, security guards try to stop them.]
Joe: You know, I think it's because of our lame names.
Paul: Yeah, I mean, we're named after the producers.
Bob: How lame is that.
Peter: We probably should stop the intruders.
Joe: Or not.
[Joe, Paul, Bob, and Peter all get zatted.]
O'Neill: OK, Goa'uld guy, let's talk.
Goa'uld guy: Nah, I don't feel like it.
O'Neill: OK.
Maybourne: Uh, Jack?
O'Neill: I've got an idea.
Maybourne: Whoa! The world's ending, main characters will die. Jack's got an idea!
O'Neill: Movie time!

[In Moscow, Major CP and Daniel beg for DHD.]
Daniel: Pulleassseee! Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top!
Russian guy: No, for the last time you can't have any borscht.
Daniel: Hmph. How 'bout the DHD?
Russian guy: Sure.

[Carter and Hammond talk.]
Carter: We've got the DHD, we've got the DHD!
Hammond: Too bad. 48 hours is up and you know what that means.
Carter: Jack's coming back!
Hammond: Uh, and we have to close the gate.
Carter: Right.
[Chevron guy starts dialing.]
Carter: Wait. Jack phoned and said to stop.
Simmons: Why?
Carter: Well, I didn't get that part, but you should stop.
Hammond: 'Kay. And arrest Simmons' while you're at it.
Security guys: Woohoo! We get to arrest someone!

[Everyone watches the video tape of Goa'uld and Simmons which tells them how to get Teal'c.]
McKay: He has gotta be kidding!
Carter: Nope. The gate's a giant superconductor.
O'Neill: Yeah, I haven't heard that one before.
Hammond: Well, McKay, guess what you're going to Russia.
Carter: Nyer. Adios!
McKay: That's not Russian.
Carter: Meh.

[Carter and Siler take the master control crystal out of the DHD.]
O'Neill: Siler, I don't want you to die!
['Shippers start threatening.]
O'Neill: Carter, I meant Carter!
[Gate is activated, and Teal'c comes through.]

[A large cry of "WooHoo" is heard throughout the building.]
[Then the DHD explodes.]
Daniel: Whoopsie. Sorry, dude.
Russian guy: My poor, poor DHD!

Carter: So, Teal'c, have fun being energy?
Teal'c: Indeed.
O'Neill: Hey, guess what. A Goa'uld dude saved ya.
Teal'c: You did not believe his deception?
McKay: That's what I said!
Carter: Go back to Russia, lemon boy.
Teal'c: I got revenge, I got revenge. I'm so good, I'm so good.
Carter & O'Neill: Just don't do the dance!
[Teal'c begins to do the victory dance.]
Everyone: NOOOOOO!


THE END

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