Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Abyss0" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp MYSTERIOUS FIGURE #1: The 'shippers are so going to hate me for getting you captured. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE #2: That's ok; we're not getting caught by 'shippers... MYSTERIOUS FIGURE #1: Woohoo! MYSTERIOUS FIGURE #2: ... we're getting caught by Jaffa. [KABOOM] SYMBIOTE: Right, that's it; I'm wiggling my way to freedom. JAFFA FOOT: Crunch! SYMBIOTE: The strange thing is, this actually beats being inside Jack O'Neill. TOK'RA GUY: We don't know where O'Neill is, but he definitely hasn't escaped from our base and gone to free some slave his symbiote once had the hots for from an evil system lord... CARTER: Why did we have to kill of Martouf? HAMMOND: The teeth thing, remember? HAMMOND: So, uh, how do we know this wasn't Jack's fault? TEAL'C: Um... JONAS: Jeez... CARTER: Hey, I've got an idea! It's time for our weekly "Let's ask Jolinar!" segment! HAMMOND: Will we never be free from this recurring plot device? THE ASGARD: How d'you think we feel bub? BAAL: Hi, I'm Baal, did you know my name is LAAB spelt backwards? O'NEILL: It's the dreaded palindrome torture! BAAL: It's not a palindrome, and don't steal lines from "Rules of Engagement." O'NEILL: The final challenge has beg-- BAAL: Right, that's it, I'm pouring acid on you now. CARTER: Hmmm, we've gotta find O'Neill, or I could end up in a 'ship with Jonas or something. JONAS: [WINKS] CARTER: Think! Think now! This is not happening... [O'NEILL WAKES UP IN THE SARCOPHAGUS] O'NEILL: Come on, this is so first season... [BOOM! DANIEL APPEARS!] O'NEILL: Daniel! Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that. DANIEL: What, do you not watch the opening credits or something? O'NEILL: Apparently not. DANIEL: Anyhow, Baal is cool, tell him what he wants to know. TOK'RA: La, la, la, la... [CARTER AND TEAL'C APPEAR, AVEC BIG GUNS] TOK'RA: Woah, let's not doing anything hasty guys. JONAS: Ooo! Ooo! What's happening? TOK'RA: Like letting Jonas speak! Argh! [RUNS HEADLONG INTO WALL] CARTER: That worked surprisingly well. DANIEL: C'mon, ascend already, all the cool kids are doing it! O'NEILL: Then why did you do it? DANIEL: Er... um... Just for that, I'm not helping you. O'NEILL: Why couldn't he be the other type of energy being, the taking control of Carter's body sort? [O'NEILL WAKES UP IN THE SARCOPHAGUS] O'NEILL: What is this, Window of Opportunity? BAAL: C'mon, tell me, I just wanna be your friend! O'NEILL: That's what Hathor said to Daniel, and we ended up swimming in Goa'uld larvae... DANIEL: You promised never to talk of that. I'm so not saving you now. O'NEILL: I'm not worried, SG-1 will save me! DANIEL: What, you think Jonas is going to figure this out? [DANIEL VANISHES IN A PUFF OF SMOKE] O'NEILL: Wait! Daniel! Come back! I take it all back! Even the bits I haven't said yet! JONAS: I think I've figured it out! CARTER: How many times do we have to go over this? "The Mole People" did not kidnap Jack! JONAS: So it's Jack now, is it? TEAL'C: Face it my friend, Jonas/Carter is never going to happen. JONAS: Oh, so we're "friends" now, are we? CARTER: Teal'c, tie him up. And for the benefit of the audience: it was Baal. JONAS: I knew it! I knew it! I... owwww! O'NEILL: I keep having flashes of this freaky woman. WRITER: What? "Kanan's Memories" O'NEILL: Why must you torture me? [O'NEILL WAKES UP IN THE SARCOPHAGUS AGAIN] O'NEILL: See, now this is just getting boring. BAAL: And now it's time for torture scene #3. Or is it #4? O'NEILL: Actually, I think it's #5. BAAL: Well, enough with all this chit-chat, have some acid! O'NEILL: Really, really uninventive..... O'PIPP: Well, you try coming up with 5 different torture scenes! O'NEILL: I was referring to the acid torture. O'PIPP: What acid? O'NEILL: Ow! Ow! Burning, stinging pain! O'PIPP: Ah, that acid. CARTER: Hey, so Kanan was having some illicit smoochies with, uh, some slave. HAMMOND: And we know this how? CARTER: Uh, Jolin-- HAMMOND: I forbid you to go, already. CARTER: Wha? That's not fair! HAMMOND: Oh, Come on, we all know Teal'c will come up with an idea in five minutes time.. [FIVE MINUTES LATER:] TEAL'C: Ooo! O'PIPP: See, I'm really not getting this five minutes later concept. O'NEILL: I'm bored of this. Kill me already DANIEL: Is this what the US Air Force has taught you? If something's too hard for you, just die? O'NEILL: Well, pretty much, yeah. That and never run with scissors. DANIEL: Now you're stealing lines off "Urgo"? How low can you sink? O'NEILL: Hey, you're the omnipotent glowy light being, you tell me. LORD YU: [READING] Yuhu! Yu, we've got some stuff for Yu. Yu can have Yu're revenge on Baal. Love, Yu-knows-who. They just had to overplay that joke, didn't they? DANIEL: Fine, I give in, I'll free you. O'NEILL: And? DANIEL: Give you that Hawaiian island. O'NEILL: And? DANIEL: The 1959 Cadillac. O'NEILL: And? DANIEL: Screw that, Lord Yu's gonna save you. Ciao! O'NEILL: I hate Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! LORD YU: They can never just leave it, can they? O'NEILL: Hey, wanna come with me? SLAVE: Hmmm, how we gonna get out of this one? O'NEILL: Ah, just let the bright white light explain it. [BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT] O'NEILL: And now I'm unconscious... CARTER:... And so we figured Lord Yu would save you... O'NEILL: Thank Yu! DANIEL: Now what did I say about stealing lines from past episodes? CARTER: Yeah, well, we all helped, me, Teal'c and that other guy... TEAL'C: Indeed. Say, where is Jonas? CARTER: You didn't forget to untie him did... Oh damn. O'NEILL: Well, wasn't that fun? DANIEL: You're welcome. I'm buzzing off now, to a galaxy far, far away... O'NEILL: Right. I'm thirsty. DANIEL: I'll be back. No, seriously, I'll be back, you still owe me 60 dollars. O'NEILL: What the hell type of ending is this? CARTER: ... And here I am with the water... Is this image meant to be resonant or something? O'NEILL: Um... let's just let Jolinar explain it. JOLINAR: THE END CARTER: Now that's clarity! Legal notices. You are number ### to ask Jolinar!