Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Allegiance" by Nan [Pandemonium is breaking out on Alpha Site as Jaffa and Tok'ra arrive in varying states of injury. Fraiser works triage at speed.] Fraiser: Alan Alda, eat your heart out! O'Neill: What's this? Auker: Security stuff. Teal'c: A Zatarc detector? You just know this is establishing a plot complication. Carter: Chekov's rules, man. Introduce a zatarc detector in act one, someone has to get killed by the end of act three. Pierce: SG-12 are all dead. Carter: Ouch. Where's dad? Malek: Being heroic and possibly saving all our lives. [Jacob comes through the gate.] Jacob: Ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow. Ow. Jacob: We're cool. Except our base got smashed. And we had to come here. Anubis sucks. Auker: And we have these new outfits. Malek: There are Jaffa here? Carter: They're cool. Malek: Hunh. Well... mixing Jaffa with Tok'ra... what could possibly go wrong? [Hey, a wake. The bodies of the slain Tok'ra are consumed by the establishing vortex.] Everyone: Sniff. Jaffa Guy, Artok: Yeah, whatever. Auker: Show proper sobriety! Jaffa Guy: No! [Artok and Auker beat the crap out of each other.] Artok: Tok'ra suck! Auker: Bite me! O'Neill: Behave, or I'll send you both to your rooms! Carter: The Tok'ra aren't happy about their quarters. O'Neill: Placate them. Carter: Righty. O'Neill: Tok'ra are icky. Jacob: Not. O'Neill: Are. Jacob: Not. O'Neill: Are. Jacob: Not. O'Neill: Meh. Jacob: Jaffa have issues with the Tok'ra. Tok'ra have issues with Jaffa. I get that. We Tok'ra are having serious "We Might Be Wiped Out Soon" thoughts. O'Neill: Heavy, man. Carter: Someone's trying to destroy us by sabotaging our naquadah reactor. O'Neill: That sounds like a bad thing. Carter: I'd say so, yeah. O'Neill: Sabotage situation. Jonas: I wanna come! O'Neill: No. Jonas: Aw. Malek: Sabotage? Carter: About. O'Neill: The Tok'ra get to sit in the Chair of Truth first. Malek: That's lame. O'Neill: In case you haven't noticed... I don't care! Malek: Blah blah blah, Anubis fragged us, we don't know how. Teal'c: [Cough]Ashrak[cough]. O'Neill: Hey! I haven't read that far ahead, yet! Teal'c: Sorry, man. [O'Neill witnesses Auker and Artok posture. Then Auker turns up dead.] Artok: I'm glad he's dead. He was a big lamer. Malek: Put him in the Chair of Truth! Artok: No! Bra'tac: [stern look] Artok: [robotically] Must... obey.... Bra'tac: Look-Fu, picked up from Grand Master Carter. Malek: Gnarly. O'Neill: Fix things. Jacob + Bra'tac: Gotcha. Artok: I didn't kill him. [Chair of Truth registers deception.] Malek: He is guilty! Kill! Purify! O'Neill: Er... no. Fraiser: Auker was killed from behind, symbiote and host at one blow. Teal'c: Jaffa do not kill this way. Fraiser: It was with a knife, in the conservatory, by Colonel Mustard. O'Neill: Agent Scully, eat your heart out. [Artok turns up dead in his cell.] Fraiser: This guy was killed in a different way. Teal'c: Weird. Malek: Meh. Rak'nor: You guys suck! Malek: Bite me! [The Tok'ra and Jaffa just about come to blows... er... shots.] O'Neill: One more incident like this and you're all grounded! [They find footprints leaving the settlement.] Bra'tac: Could be either Tok'ra or Jaffa. O'Neill: Of course. Carter: Why is nothing ever easy? [Search parties are sent out. Teal'c's finds a full search team killed.] Teal'c: Well... I, for one, wasn't expecting this. [Creepy AssassinCam view of Malek and Bra'tac.] [Bra'tac is whumped and dragged off by an invisible force.] Malek: Bra'tac's dead. O'Neill: Well, that screws our credibility right there! [Teal'c and the other Jaffa get annoyed. Teal'c just about throttles Malek.] Teal'c: Die! Diediedie! You ran away instead of trying to save Bra'tac! You big lamer! O'Neill: Quit it! Teal'c: Why? Jacob: Er... because Bra'tac would say so? Teal'c: Well... okay. Malek: An invisible evil guy. We can use the naquadah generator as a T.E.R.-type-see-it-and-shoot-it device. Carter: Cool! Hey, Sir-- O'Neill: Don't TECH me. Carter: Aw, c'mon. O'Neill: No, Carter. Carter: Well, rain on my parade, why don't you... [Carter breaks out a MALP-type robot.] Carter: My MALP has a remote control. Maybe I should add flame decals, too... Fraiser: Killed the symbiote and Jaffa at once. Teal'c: An ashrak. Goa'uld assassin. Jacob: Where did this little insight come from? Teal'c: Wanna hear about the time a bunch of Jaffa were killed in a mine in this selfsame fashion by a single ashrak? Jacob: Too late, man. [The ashrak whumps the troops and steals a GDO.] O'Neill: Well, crap. Malek: We should leave. O'Neill: No. Malek: Yes. O'Neill: No! Malek: Yes! O'Neill: Go help Carter with her robot or I'll sic Teal'c on you. Malek: You just can't argue with logic. O'Neill: I'm intense. Rak'nor: I wish Bra'tac was here. Teal'c: Chill, man. Rak'nor: I'm now pro-Tok'ra. O'Neill: Carter? Is it working yet? Carter: Sorta. Morsmordre here wasn't meant for this. [Carter turns the makeshift T.E.R. on.] O'Neill: Oooh. Tingly. [The ashrak wrecks the makeshift T.E.R.] Carter: Well, hell. There goes my Robot Wars championship match! [O'Neill gets a gun and sends a hail of bullets in all directions.] O'Neill: And you said there was no reason to bring a gun that could stop a Buick. Carter: I cower on the ground corrected. [Carter gets the robot working. The ashrak gets lit up. He is obviously intent on mayhem.] Ashrak: Rowr! O'Neill: He's totally gonna kill me. Malek: Totally gonna kill us. O'Neill: Misery loves company. Bra'tac: Eat hot death! Ashrak: Ack! Everyone: Yay! It's Bra'tac! Fraiser: Oooh, that looks like it stings. Bra'tac: I am mighty, I feel no pain--get away from me with that iodine! Get away! Argghh! Bra'tac: The ashrak left me to die. But he was a big lamer, so I lived to spite him. And save the day. Spite him and save the day. Malek: You're the man, Bra'tac. O'Neill: Our credibility with the Jaffa has been saved! Carter: Morsmordre is alive! Teal'c: Woohoo! Bra'tac: Yo! The ashrak was a lamer, and tried to divide us so we couldn't whump the Goa'uld. Don't be lamers and dis the Tok'ra. We must whump Goa'uld as a team. That is all. Jaffa + Tok'ra: Righty. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to utilize Look-Fu.