Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Broca Divide" by Hejira George: I'm sending you guys into a completely unknown situation. SG-1 and SG-3: Oh, fun! Jack: Wow. Cavemen. Sam: Looks like the cavemen don't know that no means no. Daniel: Well we can't interfere. Sam: Why the hell not? Daniel: The Prime Directive, of course. Sam: Wrong show, Daniel! Daniel: Doesn't make it any less valid. The Untouched: We're huge fans of yours - uh, which one's Leia? Sam: *points to Daniel* Daniel: Waitaminit... The Untouched: And Han Solo? Sam: *points to - Jack: Don't even think about it. Sam: - a piece of sea coral* The Untouched: Guess what - the cavemen used to live with us. Jack: So the Goa'uld aren't here? The Untouched: No. But we have pretty and interesting science and history stuff. Daniel: Hmm. Uh huh. Wow. Consider me a kid in a candy store. Jack: Consider me a parent concerned for your dental health. Does anyone else like that dental rhymes with mental? Sam: 40 feet of purple fabric, 30 feet of gold fabric, brass plant holders, huge cushions... Jack: I'll take that as a yes. Johnson: P'taq! Teal'c: Indeed. Jack: Carter, you are under orders to not make any references to anything with 'Star' in the title. A pair of officers: Whee-splat! Sam: Hmm. I could sell that as a genuine Jackson Pollack. Sam: S-E-X, I really want it, S-E-X, I'm gonna get it, S-E-X, I think I've found it... Jack: Wrong show, Carter! Sam: Doesn't make it any less valid. Janet: Whee! My first episode. *ahem* Anyway sir, Johnson and Sam are turning into cavemen. Jack: Turning into? Janet: Yup. I don't understand. Jack: Neither do I - Cavemen aren't meant to be smart, but she still found a loophole in my orders. Daniel: You see that cute airwoman over there? Jack: Yeah...? Daniel: I want to catch her attention. Jack: What if I bashed the shazbot out of you? Daniel: Oh no, not like that... [Jack bashes the shazbot out of Daniel] Airwoman: Oh, Daniel... Daniel: Thanks Jack! I'll repay the favour someday. Jack: Don't make me laugh. Janet: We screwed up, and screwed up bad. Sam: "Screwed up?" Janet: Made a boo-boo. Sam: "Boo-boo?" Daniel: Let me try something; we brought back a contagion from that planet we went to which is making us revert to our primitive form: physically, mentally... Sam: Gotcha. George: Well, whaddya know; I'll have to remember that. Jack: I need to go to the bathroom real bad! George: Hi, Mr. President. It's a good thing viruses can't travel down the phone line. President: Uh, about that...it's not true. We just keep it secret from the general population - you know about that sort of stuff, right? George: President: General Hammond? George: Hoo hoo hwa. Janet: Daniel, Teal'c, you're not going to turn into cavemen. Daniel: What happened to the whee-splat guys? Janet: Sam sold them on eBay an hour ago. George: You're going back to the planet. Daniel: Why? George: Because I'm an evil little snot. Daniel: Oh, is he evil. Jack: Gimme more drugs. Janet: No. Jack: Okay. THEN LET ME GO TO THE TOILET! Janet: Drugs will be fine. Tuplo: Buzz off. Teal'c: Indeed. Tuplo: I'll go first. Teal'c: Indeed. MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Untouched Guard: Oh frell. Janet: Wow - the answer was staring me in the face. Jack: Are you making fun of me? Janet: In retrospect...yes. Jack: I'm cured! Teal'c: Jack: Hello? Teal'c: Jack: Pay attention to me! Hammond's giving me the evil eye. Teal'c: Aww, but - Jack: No buts. I really really need to pee. Teal'c: Indeed. Daniel: I gots me a wimmin! Sam: Aww - the sea coral will be quite jealous. Tuplo: We don't like you. Daniel: Hey, the swelling's gone down. Tuplo: We love you! Which one's Mulder? Sam: ARGH! *runs into a pole* Jack: Anyone betting Hammond will be sedated when we get back? Sam (in a crumpled little heap): Oww, my head. Jack: I'll take that as a yes. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to wonder what happened to the president. He was about to be cured when his advisors noticed that his ability to run the country was unaffected in any way. He was left as he was so that he could connect with the redneck population, but fowled up when he bit an intern. The ASPCA is currently looking into the matter.