Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Children of the Gods" by Nan [The embarkation room. Five Airmen (or whatever) sit playing cards. Poker, I think. We're going to call them Airmen, as I don't care at this point.] Attractive Female Airman: What's under the big tarp? Airman Guy: Oh, some ancient alien device that allows travel between worlds. Or a big microwave. Or something. Whatever. Toss your chips in, we have a game going here. [Chips are tossed.] Attractive Female Airman: Isn't this... oh, I don't know... illegal? Other Airman Guy: Meh. No one ever comes here. [The gate activates. A Serpent Guard exits the portal and seizes the Attractive Female Airman as she examines a sensor lobbed through moments earlier. It's Teal'c. Apophis steps through a moment later.] Apophis: Hi there. Other Airman Guy: Almost no one. Attractive Female Airman: Hey! A little help here? Teal'c: Hey, gnarly weapon. Apophis: You can't have the shiny gun, Teal'c. Teal'c: Aw. [The Attractive Female Airman is zapped into Happyland with the ribbon device. Apophis retrieves his scanning orb thing.] Apophis: These things aren't cheap, y'know, not with the money I sink into gold eyeliner. [A defence team arrives, along with General Hammond.] Apophis: Well, this has been a blast, but I've got cool people to hang out with and a harem to restock. Goodbye, losers. [Apophis and his posse escape. The gate shuts down.] Hammond: My day is going straight downhill from here, I can just see it. [O'Neill's house. O'Neill is on the roof, stargazing. How cool is that? Major Samuels climbs up to meet him.] Samuels: Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil? O'Neill: Wrong guy. Two Ls, sense of humour, snappy wardrobe. Guy you're looking for is Kurt Russell. You may remember him from such films as Tequila Sunrise, Tango and Cash, Backdraft, Executive Decision, et cetera. Plus, I'm retired. Go join NASA, it's way cooler than the Air Force. Samuels: Meh. General Hammond sent me to collect you. It's Stargate related. O'Neill: I'll be in the car. [Hammond's office.] Samuels: I fetched him. Do I get a biscuit? Hammond: Go build a naquadah-enhanced nuclear warhead or something. Samuels: Righty. O'Neill: What's up with the Stargate? Hammond: Some guy in freaky gold eyeliner kidnapped an Attractive Female Airman. He kind of looked like Prince. The Artist Formerly Known As, not that guy from LEXX. Anyway, do you think it was Ra? O'Neill: Couldn't've been. Hammond: Why? He was killed in the massive nuclear explosion? He wasn't from Abydos? O'Neill: No. Ra preferred black eyeliner. Hammond: We're sending a nuke through to Abydos, given that we think the Prince look-alike was from there. O'Neill: Er... you really shouldn't. Samuels: Why? O'Neill: Because I may have fudged my report. Hammond: May? May have? O'Neill: Yeah, see... Daniel Jackson may not be dead. Hammond: That's interesting, because you are so dead. [In a cell, Kawalsky is in the classic staring-at-the-ceiling cot position. O'Neill enters, escorted by a guard.] O'Neill: I like season two Hammond better. Kawalsky: SIR, YES, SIR! [salutes] O'Neill: I'm retired. Drop the... everything. Kawalsky: Righty. Ferretti and I didn't give them anything, as we'd rather the Abydonians not get toasted. O'Neill: Cool. Did I mention Skaara reminded me of my kid? Kawalsky: You have a kid? O'Neill: Had, as we'll learn in "Cold Lazarus." Kawalsky: Heavy, man. Hammond: Well, I'm rethinking genocide. O'Neill: Groovy. Let's contact Abydos. Hammond: We have this big, expensive robot in the works at M.I.T... O'Neill: I have a better idea. This box of Kleenex! Hammond: This better not be a sign of things to come. Hammond: Kleenex? O'Neill: He'll associate the Kleenex with me. Wait, let me rephrase... [Not long after that, the Kleenex is lobbed back through the gate.] Scribble On Kleenex Box: Thanks, send more. O'Neill: Who's the man? [Briefing room.] O'Neill: Can we go now? Hammond: No. O'Neill: Can we go now? Hammond: No. O'Neill: Can we go now? Hammond: No. O'Neill: Can we go now? Hammond: Just wait a minute! Our Stargate expert isn't here yet. O'Neill: Who? Hammond: Sam Carter, übergeek. O'Neill: Where's he transferring from? Sam(antha) Carter: The Pentagon. [salutes] O'Neill: Oh my. Kawalsky: A girl? Carter: Yes, a girl. I imagine you're familiar with them? Kawalsky: I imagine you're familiar with... er... girl... type... stuff...? Ferretti: Smooth, Kawalsky. Real smooth. Carter: Well, Major Matt Mason the astronaut, yeah. Coolest doll in the world. Ferretti: Cool! Still in the original box? With the jetpack? Hammond: The ambient nerdiness in the room is starting to interfere with the wiring. Stop it, you two. Ferretti + Carter: Sorry. O'Neill: Do you think you can take the trip? Carter: Let me thi--yes. Kawalsky: I think what the Colonel is saying is... have you ever pulled out of a simulated bombing run in an F-16 at 8-plus Gs? Carter: Yes. [Pre-fivered!] Kawalsky: Colonel, I got bupkis. Ferretti: Carter, seriously... did you have the jetpack? O'Neill: Ferretti! For crying out loud... Carter: Hey, man, I was working on this way longer than you. I get to go. Deal with it. O'Neill: But-but-but... General, she's a nerd. Carter: A nerd with fragging experience. Kawalsky + Ferretti: I'm sold. Hammond: Before this degenerates into name calling, hair pulling, or cartoonish feministic rants, Carter gets to go. [pause] So stop arm wrestling. Carter + O'Neill: Aw. Samuels: Here's a thought: bury the damn stargate. Problem solved. O'Neill: They have ships, doofus. They'll walk here to whup us. [Mission is a go...] Hammond: No Kleenex boxes or we send a bomb, comprende? O'Neill: Yessir. Hammond: Actually, if you don't contact us we'll send a bomb anyway. O'Neill: Yessir. Hammond: And bring Daniel Jackson back, or we... er... just bring him back. O'Neill: Yessir. [Gate room...] O'Neill: Right, campers. Let's go. Carter... Carter: You'll like me better later in the series. O'Neill: Oh my, yes. Now git. [On the other side...] Carter: I think I'm gonna be sick. O'Neill: Maybe you shouldn't have had that big lunch. [Pre-fivered!] [A bunch of kids pop up, aiming guns at them.] O'Neill: Carter, you may not wanna spend what's left your life throwing up. Carter: Yessir. Daniel: Hi, kids. Let's not shoot the Earth people. O'Neill: SKAARA! Skaara: Yay! Daniel: "Oh, Daniel, thank you for saving our lives." "It's no problem, I'm a nice person." "No, really Daniel, it's great that you saved our lives..." Skaara: He does this sometimes. Just smile and nod. O'Neill: How's it hanging? Daniel: Groovy. Just to make sure: Apophis didn't come from here. Carter: Ooh la-la. The DHD. Ours is a big, clunky, room-sized thing... O'Neill: Carter. Carter: ...hooked up to three superconductors... O'Neill: Carter. Carter: ...liquid helium-cooled... O'Neill: Carter! Carter: Yes? O'Neill: Come meet the original übergeek. Carter: Dr. Jackson, I presume. I'm Doctor Samantha Carter. O'Neill: I thought you wanted to be called "Captain." [Pre-fivered!] Daniel: Why am I getting this feeling of foreboding? Carter: Not a clue. It's too early for Black Widow Syndrome... Daniel: Maybe it's those serpent guards that killed four people, abducted an Attractive Female Airman, and ruined a poker game that're coming to abduct my wife and brother-in-law in about five minutes. Carter: Could be. Daniel: Dinner, my place. O'Neill: I'd rather look around to see where Snake Boy and his guards came from. Carter: Um, we're in the middle of a sandstorm. O'Neill: Dinner it is. [Dinner. A load of Abydonians are sitting around, eating. O'Neill, Daniel, and Carter are sitting in close proximity.] Daniel: Yeah, I'm thinking that Snake Boy came from another planet. Carter: But we messed with stuff for years. The gate only goes here. Daniel: I've got something keen to show ya. Sha're, honey, going to show Jack and company the thing. Be right back. [Sha're plants a big one on him. Hooting abounds.] Sha're: Bye, hon. [wanders off] Daniel: Bah-bah-bah-bah... Carter: Is he having a seizure or something? O'Neill: No, he's just a nerd. Daniel: Are you... talking... words...? [Daniel takes them into another temple. Building. Whatever. It's full of writing.] Daniel: Pretty gnarly, eh? Everyone: Gnarly. Daniel: So, I'm thinking your Prince look-alike came from another planet. Carter: Hmmm... no. That doesn't work. Daniel: But, what about the cosmological constant? Expansion of the universe? Stellar drift? Carter: Stargate link rot! Of course. On second thought, that's entirely possible. [Back with the Abydonians...] Ferretti: Daniel's wife is hot. [Apophis and his serpent guards invade the chamber.] Apophis: This is true. Ferretti: Minor character... science fiction show... pilot episode... no opening credits listing... I want my mommy. [ZAP!] Apophis: New candidate for harem. Check. Bonus host. Check. We're good here, Teal'c. Teal'c: But they have shiny guns, just like the Attractive Female Airman's people! Apophis: Meh. Let's blow, I have worlds to conquer. Daniel: Seal the gate for a year. If I don't come back, then... well, we're all screwed. Everyone: We love you, Dan-yer. Daniel: *sniff* [The team returns to Earth, bearing wounded, Ferretti among them.] O'Neill: What's that? Hammond: An iris made of pure titanium. Hopefully, it'll keep us from dying. Daniel: Hi there, I'd like to be on the team that goes after-- Hammond: Bite me. [leaves] Daniel: I like season two Hammond better. [The "pen." Teal'c and some other guys in turbans enter.] Teal'c: Right, fellas, another round of Pick-A-Chick. Skaara + Sha're: Bite me. Teal'c: Aw, c'mon, what're the odds you'll be picked? Sha're: Very, very good. [Brief silence.] Teal'c: Just c'mon! [Sha're is dragged away.] Teal'c: My job blows. O'Neill: Beer good. Daniel: I miss my wife. Hic. O'Neill: Me too. My wife, that is, not yours. O'Neill + Daniel: Hic. [The harem...] Teal'c: The Attractive Female Airman. Attractive Female Airman Sergeant: That's Attractive Female Sergeant, fella. Teal'c: Meh. Seize her, Turban Guys. Attractive Female Sergeant: You guys suck! Teal'c: Yes. Yes, we do. [The Attractive Female Sergeant is brought before Apophis. He zaps her to Happyland and examines her, er, non-clothed body. Squicky moment.] Apophis: Amonet, hon. It's, er, this year's newest fashion on Earth: blonde servicewoman. Amonet (in Goa'uld squeakspeek): [Meh.] Apophis: Right. Next! Attractive Female Sergeant: GAK! Teal'c: I hate my job. Hammond: So... what the hell is going on? Daniel: Er... that Prince look-alike is only one of many that take humans as hosts and pose as gods? Hammond: Right. Colonel, can you, er, not die in combat against this guy? O'Neill: Probably. Hammond: Well, that just fills me with confidence. Hammond: O'Neill, you lead SG-1. Kawalsky leads SG-2. You're going to follow Snake Boy and, er, do stuff. Daniel: Can I be on SG-1? Hunh? Can I? Please? Hammond: Maybe. Samuels: Hey, Ferretti's awake. [Ferretti has seen all the symbols to address Apophis went to and points them out.] O'Neill: Woohoo! Hammond: If you don't get back in time we're sealing the gate. Permanently. O'Neill: D'oh! [Chulak.] SG-1 + SG-2: Gate lag. That is chilly, indeed. [The harem...] Teal'c: Hey, you. It appears your chances of getting picked were rather better than "slim." Sha're: Duh. Carter: Hey, who wrote "Play More With Claymore" on this box of explosives? O'Neill: Er... not me? [Sha're gets the same treatment as the Attractive Female Sergeant up to the entrance of the Jaffa woman.] Apophis: Er.. Abydos' latest fashion: Vaitiare Bandera. Amonet (in Goa'uld squeakspeek): Cool. [Sha're screams as Amonet takes control. Squicky.] O'Neill: Let's go, campers. [SG-1 comes upon a bunch of monks.] Daniel: Hi there. We came from the Chappa'ai-- Monks: [bow] Daniel: I could have some fun with this. Stand! Bow! Stand! Bow! St-- O'Neill: Quit it. Let's follow them into town under false pretences of godliness. Daniel: Righty. [SG-1 is led to a feast hall.] Carter: Why are they looking at us like that? Daniel: They think we're gods. O'Neill: Oh. Cool. [Apophis enters, along with Amonet in her new host, the human formerly known as Sha're formerly known as Sha'uri.] Apophis: Check my wife out, people. SG-1: Oh my. [In short order, Daniel gets blasted by a ribbon device, O'Neill gets whacked with a staff weapon, and Carter...?] Carter: What? I'm not stupid. I go peacefully. Hammond: Pensiveness. We have two hours left until we seal the iris and lock the teams out. Samuels: Bury the gate, bury the gate, B-U-R-Y, bury the gate! Hammond: Did you have to use pom-poms? Samuels: Yes. [The pen...] Carter: Yo, geekboy. Wakey wakey. Daniel: Ouchie. I've been whumped but good. O'Neill: Yeah, we're screwed. But hey! we have Skaara. Skaara: Hi, folks. Carter: Yeah, 'cause that makes it all worthwhile. O'Neill: I like season two Carter better. Carter: Nyer. Teal'c: Hullo, what's this? O'Neill: A watch, or a dislocated wrist. Take your pick. Or rather, let my arm go and take your pick. Teal'c: Where are you people from? Daniel: Earth. Blue planet, with giraffes and California and other things. Don't suppose you know it? Teal'c: Hmmm... [leaves] Daniel: What just happened? Carter: Foreshadowing. [Apophis and Amonet arrive.] Teal'c: Sha'ka ha! Kree hol mel, Goa'uld! Skaara: Yipe. O'Neill: What? Skaara: He says it's "Host With the Most Hour." [Several Goa'uld start picking hosts, to Teal'c's obvious distaste.] Goa'uld Guy: That one. Skaara: Aw, man. Teal'c: This sucks like vacuum. O'Neill: The T-Man appears... disloyal. I hope he likes the Simpsons. [O'Neill is bashed with a staff weapon again.] Apophis: Meh. Kill the rest. Everyone: Bail! [Jaffa form up in a kind of firing squad.] Teal'c: I hate my job. O'Neill: Hey, here's an idea! How about you don't kill them all. Teal'c: No. On second thought, okay. [Teal'c demolishes the firing squad, then aids the refugees in escaping.] Carter: Gotta love this guy. Daniel: Oh yeah. O'Neill: Hey, fella. C'mon back to Earth with us. Teal'c: No. On second thought, sure. Carter: This is your Captain speaking. Exits are at the front of the room, but we've blasted a new one in the wall here. In an emergency, which this is, please avoid running in blind terror. Walking in blind terror is preferred. Single file, please. Thank you for fleeing with Carter's Herding Service. O'Neill: What's your name? Teal'c: Teal'c. T-E-A-L-'-C. Remember the apostrophe. By the way, I also have a Goa'uld in me. Just FYI. O'Neill: That's just nasty, man. Samuels: Z minus zero, General. Hammond: Put the damn pom-poms away, Samuels! [The flee to the stargate, the whole lot of 'em. The Goa'uld are leaving.] O'Neill: That's bad. [Death gliders start raining fire down on the group.] Carter: That's worse. Glider: FOOM! Kawalsky: Booyeah! And everyone said a rocket launcher was unnecessary. Everyone: We cower on the ground corrected. O'Neill: Skaara! Skaara/Klorel: Hi there... loser. [ZAP!] O'Neill: Ouch. Hammond: Hmmm... Samuels: Time's up, General. Hammond: Bite me. Lookout Guy: That's a lot of Jaffa. Um, guys? There's a lot of Jaffa coming. Like... a lot. And by "a lot," I mean a lot. [Carter and Daniel hit the DHD.] Carter: Daniel's it's very important that you have the address. We're on an alien planet with a battalion of Jaffa about to cut us down. Plus, I think I left the oven on. Daniel: Notebook... notebook... gate address... gaaaate address... Ah, found it. It was written on the back of an Abydonian cookie recip-- Carter: Just dial it! Daniel: Righty. Samuels: Hey, we're getting a GDO signal. Decoding... Hammond: "0p3n up y0u idi0t5" That's gotta be her; who else would use L33t? Open the iris. Samuels: Aw. [Carter hits the ramp, along with two of the refugees. The defence team raise their weapons.] Carter: Hey, heavily-armed fellas. Let's not shoot the refugees. Hammond: If you say so. [Chulak. Jaffa are pouring over the hill like something sprung a leak.] Kawalsky: I'm channelling Rambo. DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! Jaffa Guys: GAK! Other Battalion of Jaffa: Hi there. SG Guys: Ulp. O'Neill: Hey, retreat might be a good option. Kawalsky: This is true. Teal'c: Indeed. Casey: Gak! O'Neill: That was lowercase! He's not dead yet! Casey: Ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow. Ow. Big Scary Guy: Jaffa bad. Growr. Jaffa: This is... not a... friendly... hug...! [Crunch!] O'Neill: Ouch, man. Larval Goa'uld (in Goa'uld squeakspeek): Hmmm... I'll have to do something about the brush cut, but... Kawalsky: Ow! [The Big Scary Guy and Teal'c arrive on Earth. The defence team raise their weapons.] Carter + Daniel: What did we say about the shooting? Hammond: Aw. Carter: Hi there. Teal'c: Y'know, you Earth blondes should really avoid boldly approaching a Jaffa. Carter: Meh. Teal'c: Here's my staff weapon. Carter (sweetly): Thank you. [O'Neill, Kawalsky, and Casey arrive. The iris is barely shut before Jaffa impact against it.] Daniel: That's a horrible sound. Carter: Yeah. It'd make a good "asterisk" noise, though. Carter: There's hugging. Why is there hugging? O'Neill: They love us? Refugees (in various dialects): We love you, Earth-guys! O'Neill: See? O'Neill: So... we need something lasting to drive-slash-motivate our characters. Daniel: Missing wife. O'Neill: Missing Little Brother. Teal'c: Desire to free my people and destroy the Goa'uld. Carter: Job. O'Neill: Four for four. I'd say we're good. Kawalsky: My head hurts. Kawalsky's Goa'uld (heretofore known as "Skippy"): That would be me. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to be whacked by a staff weapon.