Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Cure" by Nan WELCOME TO CUREWORLD. POPULATION: A LITTLE TOO HEALTHY. [On CureWorld...] President Guy, Dollen: Chill, man. Military Guy: No. We're meeting aliens. Dollen: They're sending brilliant people, led by a genius. Military Guy: I have a feeling your expectations aren't going to be met. O'Neill: Hey, all! Military Guy: Told you. [Office...] Dollen: Hey, this is cool. We're dying to do the whole Stargate travel thing. Jonas: I'm speaking too soon. Carter: I'm making a save. Dollen: Hey! Wanna see our miracle drug? It covers everything, even stuff it shouldn't. Carter: It's, like, purple. [At the dig near the stargate...] Teal'c: Jonas Quinn, I'm using your full name. Jonas: I feel so at home. Valk: Hey, this is so cool! Earth guys. Jonas: Er... yeah. Kind of. Valk: Hey, let's take a tour! Dollen: We'll trade The Cure for gate addresses. Military Guy: We want to go to the places on these sheets of paper. Carter: Er, those are Goa'uld homeworlds. O'Neill: Foreshadowing. A valid literary technique. Valk: Oooh, we're connecting on an intellectual level. Teal'c: Hey, some old dialect talking about some old dead guy Apophis killed. Valk: What happened to Apophis? Teal'c: We whumped him! Booyeah! Jonas: Don't mind him. He has issues. Valk: You have the Endzone Dance, too? Valk: All is not what it seems. The eagle flies at midnight. Jonas: We'll pass that along. O'Neill: Hmmm. Well, figure it out. Jonas: Righty. Valk: Psych! I know nothing, nothing! I love Big Brother. Two plus two equals five. Jonas: Er... something funky is afoot. [Jonas rifles through Valk's stuff, finds something of note.] Jonas: Zenna's on tretonin. Let's go poke around. Valk: Don't mind me, I'm just overhearing without being seen. [In the tank room...] Teal'c: Big tanks in an isolated factory. I'm having flashbacks to The X-Files. Jonas: You hear that distinctive squeaking noise? Guard: Hey! Teal'c: Now would be a good time to run away. Jonas: Bail! [Guard guy falls into the tank, gets possessed.] Teal'c: Must kill. Jonas: Hey, waitaminnit. Something's weird here. He isn't trying to kill us all. And he's in, like, a coma. Dollen: We make tretonin from the Goa'ulds. We kept it from you because we expected a squicky reaction. [In the breeding area...] Carter: A queen? O'Neill: This is me having a squicky reaction! [Medical area...] Teal'c: The symbiote isn't taking control because it needs a Jaffa to get used to the conditions inside a human. That and it's, like, wiggy. Carter: We should talk to the Tok'ra. Dollen: The who? Carter: They're a race of non-lame Goa'ulds who have, y'know, ethics. Dollen: Hunh. Okay. [Quinn and Valk get flirty-serious.] Valk: We don't have enough tretonin for everybody. Quinn: Bummer. Valk: I said the S-word. 'Ship! 'Ship! Help me with the translation, or I'll say it again. Quinn: I give! I give! [Malek and another Tok'ra examine coma guy.] Kelmaa: We wanna see the queen. Malek: Us too. Kelmaa: Old queen. Carter: They use her to breed symbiotes for the tretonin. O'Neill: Without a... man-friend? [Pre-fivered!] Malek: Yep. Like Godzilla. The one with Matthew Broderick, that is, not the one with Mothra. Fraiser: Hey, this drug works like a symbiote. Meaning, it destroys your immune system and creates a dependency. O'Neill: That's lame. Fraiser: Oh yeah. O'Neill: You wanted to go to the Goa'uld worlds to get another queen? Dollen: That's about it, yeah. We found the Queen under the stargate temple, and deduced the Goa'uld had crazy immune systems. As our eggheads haven't been able to refine tretonin or cure us of our dependency, we're screwed. Big time. Military Guy: So, help us get another queen. Dollen: Yeah. You'll be our new Very Best Friends... O'Neill + Carter: Um... no. [Valk, Teal'c, and Quinn work on the translation.] Quinn: You're passionate about your work. Flirty-flirt. Valk: My dad discovered the queen. Flirty-flirt. Teal'c: I'm ignoring you both! And your nasty 'shippiness! Quinn: Hey, this part of the wall says Ra used to live here. Teal'c: Ooh, freaky. Malek: Hey, maybe we can fix things. O'Neill: Cool. Teal'c: Hey, maybe the other dead guy took this planet from Ra. Quinn: "This is a prison for Egeria, founder of the Tok'ra. She is a lamer. Signed, Ra." Hmmm... what do you think that could mean? Malek + Kelmaa: Say what?! Carter: Chill. We could trade. O'Neill: The cure. We could trade the cure. For The Cure. Malek + Kelmaa: Er... there's something hinky about the tretonin. And we dunno how to fix it. Carter: The Tok'ra want Egeria. Malek: Now, darnit! Dollen: We need her. Malek: We need her. O'Neill: Play nice, kids. [Kelmaa breaks into the holding area.] Kelmaa: Hey, grandma. Come visit. Carter: I don't think the Tok'ra are lying about the cure. O'Neill: Meh. Malek: Wow. I'm such a... er... fan-descendant. Egeria: I wuv you guys. Except I'm dying. Hey, Earth kids! Aren't you cute... [Valk looks all forlorn. Quinn is sympathetic.] Valk: We suck. Quinn: Same as the people on my planet. Valk: We might all die. Quinn: Same as the people on my planet. Valk: Misery loves company. Quinn: You have nice hair. Egeria: I wanted the LotW to stop making the wonder drug so I messed with my offspring. I suck. Malek: Naw. Egeria: I'll save them all before I die. Dollen: Wow. You rock. [The Tok'ra bear Egeria's body back through the gate.] Everyone: Sniff. Dollen + Military Guy: You guys rock. You and the Tok'ra are saving us. Let's be friends. O'Neill: Er... Yeah, sure, okay. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get all squicky at the Egeria scene.