Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Curse" by Akire Steven: Hi. Can you tell I'm a self-obsessed S.O.B, yet? Dr. Jordon: Don't ask me, I'm about to die. Jack: Umm, its not my tabloid, it's Teal'c's. He checks the alien lovechild section. Daniel: Hey, gimme. Jack: I believe the phrase is, 'may I borrow your newspaper'? Daniel: Shut up, Jack. I'm introducing the plot. Daniel: Ooh, staring. Not nice. Steven: Jab, jab, jab. Daniel: Ouch. Unsubtle, but still -- ouch! fangirls: Danny in a suit -- droooool. Steven: Time to set me up as an antagonist. Sara: And me as a love interest. I get to say I've missed you, whilst Steven seethes in the background. Steven: Enough of that, more verbal warfare. Where have you been, chatting to aliens? Daniel: Welllll.....actually.... Steven: Jab, jab, seethe. Sara and Daniel: Flirt, flirt. Steven: Enough of this. Time for a lame parting shot before I storm off. Sara and Daniel: Seeya, geekboy Sara: Now lets set up a history to get the emotional element. Daniel: Meh. Sara: Steven's getting a porsche. Daniel: The government does not pay me enough. He writes a book and gets a porsche. I save the world and get a keychain. Hammond: Go on, git! Scoot! Jack: Come fishing with me, Sam. The 'shippers are restless. Sam: Umm, no. Jack: Are there Jack/Teal'c 'shippers? Teal'c: Isn't this fiver meant to be PG? Jack: We are so not going there. Sara: Artifacts kill, m'kay? Daniel: Shall we flirt some more or just advance the plot? Sara: First, let me give the audience the background. Jack: We're off! Cue comic relief. Daniel: Isis jar? Ooh, look, Goa'uld writing. Oh crap. Sam: Time to develop my character by giving her a really cool hobby. Hey, Danny, found plot yet? Daniel: Well...actually... Teal'c: Fishing sucks Jack: Meh. Okay, who brought the phone? Teal'c: Daniel, have you found plot? Please save me. Daniel: Nope. Teal'c: Oh, crap. Hammond: Give me mythology for dummies. Daniel: I think I've found another Goa'uld. I'm passing the buck... urr, jar. Sam: Technobabble and curses? Cool. Daniel: Break and enter, and it's not even a tomb. Jack would be so proud. Steven: Arrgh! Daniel: Arrrgh! Okay, let's bicker then find a body. Sam: Technobabble, sir. Hammond: Meh. Sam: Ohh, look, snake in a bottle. Daniel: I was arrested. I called the president. Meh. Moving right along, show me the next plot device. Sara: Funky strange symbols, huh? Daniel: Meh, I can read them. Sara: How? Daniel: Ooops. Janet: Hey, look, pickled snake. Sam: Ick. Sara: I'm a computer geek too. See? Daniel: Carbon-dating results. Umm, you shouldn't read this. Sam: It's a snake fridge. Hammond: And in jar number two? Sam: We've got one!! Hammond: No more Ghostbusters for you. Daniel: Steven killed people. Damn snakehead! Grrr. Sara: Huh? Daniel: Ooops. I never said that. Sara: Meh. Git. Daniel: This is my broody and mysterious exit. Fangirls: Swoon. Daniel: He's got a gaudy piece of jewellery. Now what? Janet: Time for my technobabble. Daniel: Time for my alpha male routine. Hammond: Time for me to pull some strings. Daniel: Hey, girls, check out my desert driving style. Sam and Janet: Meh. Steven: Watch me bumble around like an ignorant fool in a bad suit. Fangirls: Boo. Altar: Whoosh. Steven: Well looky here -- a purty bracelet.... arrgh! Dramatic closeup!! Sam and Janet: Can we break out the shotguns yet? Can we, can we? PLEASE? Daniel: Indiana Jones, eat your heart out. Janet: Oh, a body. Finally something for me to do. Daniel: Tell me everything, and start with the least important stuff. Steven: Meh. Sara: Hi, honey [eyes glowing]. Daniel: Not again. Sam and Janet: Ouch. Sara: Show me the Stargate! Fangirls: Don't you mean Chappa'ai? Daniel: Since I'm a genius, I'm just going to goad you with a gloating list of all your friends I've killed. Sara: That's not gloating, this is gloating. Daniel: Nope, not telling. Sara: Here, have a ribbon device. Daniel: Not again. Here, have a sedative. Sara: Now where did I park? Sara: Gloat gloat, threat threat, ooh, beam me up Scotty. Sam: Damn, can't even hit the broad side of a ring set. Daniel: I'm getting good at getting zapped. What are we going to do with geekboy over there? THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get used to having your neurons toasted. Again.